[Dakkaree]

What is the favourite junk food for robots?
"Microchips"

hhhahahhhaaa

 

[Dougal]

Orson Welles cousin used to live in the East End of London.

His name was Orson Carte.

 

[Joyem]

A man calls home to his wife and says, 'Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for the long weekend.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend.',,,,,,,
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
we're leaving at 4,30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick up my things,
'Oh! and please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good,
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says,'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass and a few Pike,
He continued, 'But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?'
The wife replies, 'I did, they're in your tackle box, '
Never, never, never try to outsmart a woman! ! !

 

[My handle]

four nuns in a car and as they drive off from the convent it runs out of petrol.
well, nearby is a petrol station, so the nuns walk back to the convent to get something to carry some petrol in.
they couldn't find any suitable containers so they grabbed some bedbottles.
they go to the petrol station and fill the bedbottles with petrol and take back to the car
as they get back to the car there's two drunks standing on the footpath
upon watching the nuns emptying the bedbottles into the petrol tank.
one drunk says to the other
"if that works I'm changing my religion"

What is a bed bottle

 

[Dougal]

Be alert.

Your country needs Lerts.

 

[JayKay]

????

Big Ears is Noddy's friend in Enid Blyton's children books "Noddy" series

 

[DEL boy]

Husband bought some new shoes, put them on and walked into the tv room, back and forward, but not a word from his wife, so he stripped naked and stood in front of her, that got some response, "You dirty old man, standing naked in front of me, and that horrible thing hanging down between your legs, what's it doing like that" "It's pointing down at my new shoes" says he." " Next you buy something new, do us both a favour and buy a hat", says she!

 

[DavidC57]

Three nuns were sitting on a park bench one day
A man runs up to them, and 'flashes' in front of them!!
Two nuns had a stroke........


The third couldn't reach!!

 

[DavidC57]

What is a bed bottle

its a long necked bottle that men can pee into when they're in a hospital bed!!

 

[MarieT]

Why do the police have big ears?

Because noddy won’t pay the ransom!

When I was at school the question was “ why have elephants got big ears ? Becau Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransome.

 

[Dougal]

At the time when highwaymen were routinely robbing stagecoach passengers, one
particular highwayman did not make a single penny from any of his holdups.

The reason why he did not get any money at all was because he had misunderstood
the standard highwayman’s demand to stagecoach passengers.

He was uttering “Your money or your wife”

 

[Panda Senior]

Just a quick word of Warning...... the Dyson Ball Cleaner is NOT as the name implies! Doctors say that I will be fully recovered in a month or two...

 

[KevinF]

My Joke;
A little girl says
"Grandpa, did "God make you?

Grandpa says "Yes

Little girls says "And did he make me too?

Grandpa says "Yes."
The little girl stares at Grandpa for a while, then says, "He's getting better at it isn't he?

 

[Pam White]

A primary class is having a maths lesson. The teacher asks a question. "There are 6 birds sitting on a power line. If a farmer shoots two of them, how many are left". Little Johnny is really keen to answer. He answers that there will be none. The teacher asks how he gets that answer. "Well Miss, when the farmer shoots the two birds dead, the rest fly away".
The teacher tells him that this is a maths class, so the real answer is four. Six take two is four. "But I like the way you are thinking".
Later is the class Johnny tells the teacher he has a question for her. "Three ladies walk into an ice cream parlour and order an ice cream each. One licks the ice cream, one bites hers, and the other sucks the ice cream. So Miss, which lady is married?"
The teacher is very young and gets quite flustered and turns pink. "I don't think I can answer that."
"Please Miss, which one is married?"
Oh, probably the one who is sucking the ice cream" she answers still flustered.
"No Miss, the one with a wedding ring. But I like the way you are thinking."

 

[Nonna Franca]

What is a deer with no eyes called?
No idea.
What is a deer with no eyes and no ears called?
Still no idea.

 

[JayKay]

 

[robboz]

A man and his wife tried and tried to have a baby, but without success. Years went by and they went on trying, but no luck. They loved each other, so they kept trying but grew a little sadder along the way. Finally, she got pregnant, was very careful, and gave birth to a beautiful 3.9 kilo baby boy. The couple were beside themselves with joy. At the hospital that night, she told her husband to stop by the local newspaper and arrange for a birth announcement, to tell all their friends the good news. First thing next morning, she asked if he’d done the errand.
“Yes, I did,” he said, “but I’d no idea those little notices in the paper were so expensive.”
“Expensive? Really?” she said. “How much did it cost?”
“Eight hundred and fifty dollars. I’ve got the receipt.”
“Eight hundred and fifty dollars!” she cried. “That’s impossible. You must have made a mistake. Tell me what happened. Exactly.”
“Well, there was a young lady behind the counter at the paper, who gave me a form to fill in,” he said. “I put in your name and my name and little Eddy’s name and weight, and when we’d be home again and, you know, ready to see friends. I handed it back to her and she counted up the words and asked, ‘How many insertions?’
I said twice a week for fourteen years, and she gave me the bill. Ok?”

 

[Geoffrey.gamble44 @gmail.com]

A naked lady walks into a bar and orders a beer..the barman just stands there and stares at her..well said the naked lady to the barman,havnt you seen a naked lady before ,yes lots said the barman,,well why are you staring at me for said the naked lady ,,well said the barman I was wondering where the he'll are you going to get the money from to pay for your beer.......

 

[Catherine the Great]

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understand to concept of getting to heaven
I asked them “if I sold my house and my car,had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church ,would that get me into heaven”
”NO”, the children answered
”If I cleaned the church every day and mowed the lawn and kept everything tidy ,would that get me into heaven”
Again the answer was “NO”
”If I gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven”.
Again they all answered “NO”
I was just bursting with pride for them.I continued”Then how can I get into heaven “
A little boy shouted out:”YOV GOTTA BE DEAD”
Brings a tear to the eye doesn’t it
from Catherine the Great

 

[CMC]

Hi guys - after a little competition hiatus, we're back to give you money if you can make us laugh!

This new competition will run from now until the end of May. Like the last one, the goal is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please (possibly M-rated if it's very very funny)

The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles, IGA, Aldi, or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).

The only rule is that the joke can't already have been posted in our previous joke competition thread (https://seniorsdiscountclub.com.au/...aw-to-win-a-100-coles-or-woolies-voucher.732/).

Here's my submission:

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No, fatty - don’t eat anything!”

Have you heard about the new restaurant called "Karma"? There's no menu but you get what you deserved !!!