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Why did the lonely Scotsman throw a brick through the window?
He wanted to see a bit of Glasgow!
He wanted to see a bit of Glasgow!
A Greek and Italian are at the pub each bragging about their heritage.
The Greek starts with "We Greeks invented democracy to set the people free".
To which the Italian says "The Italians invented pasta and pizza, the best food in the world...and without great food, we would all die".
They continue to brag....
"We Greeks invented philosophy to feed the mind and soul"
"We Romans are amazing engineers and builders and without our inventions there would be no structures to support humankind"
To which the Greek replies, "Well, we Greeks invented sex, so there".
The Italian replies, "Well that may be true, but we Italians introduced sex to women".
The Greek starts with "We Greeks invented democracy to set the people free".
To which the Italian says "The Italians invented pasta and pizza, the best food in the world...and without great food, we would all die".
They continue to brag....
"We Greeks invented philosophy to feed the mind and soul"
"We Romans are amazing engineers and builders and without our inventions there would be no structures to support humankind"
To which the Greek replies, "Well, we Greeks invented sex, so there".
The Italian replies, "Well that may be true, but we Italians introduced sex to women".
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On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbour lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me,
"You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbour and then calmly replied,
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
The neighbour lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me,
"You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbour and then calmly replied,
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
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Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
It looks thread more than joke.Hi guys - after a little competition hiatus, we're back to give you money if you can make us laugh!
This new competition will run from now until the end of May. Like the last one, the goal is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please
The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles, IGA, Aldi, or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).
The only rule is that the joke can't already have been posted in our previous joke competition thread (https://seniorsdiscountclub.com.au/...aw-to-win-a-100-coles-or-woolies-voucher.732/).
Here's my submission:
I went to the doctors recently
He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No, fatty - don’t eat anything!”
This is a joke from a gentler time, a time before mobile phones, emails… a time when many homes did not even have a home phone. So how did we receive important messages? We relied on the telegram.
Miss Jones was sitting in her lounge room. The radio was playing softly…. A book lay on her lap, as Miss Jones had dozed off. The cup of her afternoon tea sat next to her, half drunk.
Her sleep is disturbed by a knock at the front door. Miss Jones stirred and rose from her seat. She walked down her hallway to the door. Opening it, she sees a young man in uniform, a Telegram Boy. And her spirits lift, as she had been feeling a little despondent all day.
“Yes”, she asked the young man?
“Hello. Are you Miss Mary Ann Jones?”
“Yes I am” Miss Jones replies.
“Hello Miss Jones, I have a telegram for you”
“How wonderful” Miss Jones says “I have never had a singing telegram before”
“I’m sorry, Miss Jones, but it is not a singing telegram I’m afraid’ the lad says.
“Sonny” she says “today is my 94th Birthday and I have never had a singing telegram” she says with some conviction and a stern tone. ”I may not see 95… can you please sing my Birthday telegram for me?”
The telegram boy looks at the frail, elderly women. She reminds him of his dear Grandmother, not long passed away. He thinks for a moment and, with a slight nod of his head, makes his decision. “Of course I will Miss Jones.”
Having been told he has a Theatrical disposition, and performing in the local amateur Theatre group, he steels himself to give the best rendition of the telegram that he can. He turns, and walks to the end of the pathway leading from the gate to the front door. He opens the envelope and reads the contents. He looks towards Miss Jones. He flings his arms outward and, while lifting his legs as high as he can, syncopates down the path towards her….. and in his best voice, at the top of his lungs, sings….
“Da Da Da Da Da Dum….. Your Sister, Rose is dead, your Sister, Rose is dead.”
Miss Jones was sitting in her lounge room. The radio was playing softly…. A book lay on her lap, as Miss Jones had dozed off. The cup of her afternoon tea sat next to her, half drunk.
Her sleep is disturbed by a knock at the front door. Miss Jones stirred and rose from her seat. She walked down her hallway to the door. Opening it, she sees a young man in uniform, a Telegram Boy. And her spirits lift, as she had been feeling a little despondent all day.
“Yes”, she asked the young man?
“Hello. Are you Miss Mary Ann Jones?”
“Yes I am” Miss Jones replies.
“Hello Miss Jones, I have a telegram for you”
“How wonderful” Miss Jones says “I have never had a singing telegram before”
“I’m sorry, Miss Jones, but it is not a singing telegram I’m afraid’ the lad says.
“Sonny” she says “today is my 94th Birthday and I have never had a singing telegram” she says with some conviction and a stern tone. ”I may not see 95… can you please sing my Birthday telegram for me?”
The telegram boy looks at the frail, elderly women. She reminds him of his dear Grandmother, not long passed away. He thinks for a moment and, with a slight nod of his head, makes his decision. “Of course I will Miss Jones.”
Having been told he has a Theatrical disposition, and performing in the local amateur Theatre group, he steels himself to give the best rendition of the telegram that he can. He turns, and walks to the end of the pathway leading from the gate to the front door. He opens the envelope and reads the contents. He looks towards Miss Jones. He flings his arms outward and, while lifting his legs as high as he can, syncopates down the path towards her….. and in his best voice, at the top of his lungs, sings….
“Da Da Da Da Da Dum….. Your Sister, Rose is dead, your Sister, Rose is dead.”
A well to do lady was in her local supermarket selecting a turkey for her family and some guests.
She couldn't see a bird big enough for the number of people she would be entertaining.
A young shop assistant was passing, and the woman addressed him......
"Excuse me young man", she said "Could you tell me do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant looked at the turkeys, turned to the woman and answered with a straight face......
"NO ma'am, they're all dead!"
She couldn't see a bird big enough for the number of people she would be entertaining.
A young shop assistant was passing, and the woman addressed him......
"Excuse me young man", she said "Could you tell me do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant looked at the turkeys, turned to the woman and answered with a straight face......
"NO ma'am, they're all dead!"
I bet I can prove that you’re not here!
Are you in Broken Hill?
No.
Are you in Fiji?
No.
Are you in Newcastle?
No.
Well, if you are not in any of those places you must be Elsewhere, and if you are elsewhere you must not be here.
Are you in Broken Hill?
No.
Are you in Fiji?
No.
Are you in Newcastle?
No.
Well, if you are not in any of those places you must be Elsewhere, and if you are elsewhere you must not be here.
A fellow was having "Men's" problems and went to his doctor. The doctor examined him and said that he would need a sperm sample for testing. The doctor gave him a jar and said he would see him again in a week.
On his return the doctor looked at the jar and held it up to the light - it's empty the doctor said.
Well, I have to explain: I went home and tried with my left hand...tried with my right...I called the wife in, she tried with her right hand and then the left and even tried with her mouth. We called in the buxom girl from next door...she tried with her right hand then her left even put it between her legs.
Doc - no one is ever going to get the lid off that jar.
On his return the doctor looked at the jar and held it up to the light - it's empty the doctor said.
Well, I have to explain: I went home and tried with my left hand...tried with my right...I called the wife in, she tried with her right hand and then the left and even tried with her mouth. We called in the buxom girl from next door...she tried with her right hand then her left even put it between her legs.
Doc - no one is ever going to get the lid off that jar.
One old man went to a barber who has a small shop to have a hair cut,
When he sat on chair he started to talk and fart continuously , The barber got annoyed and went out to have a breath, when he got in again, the old man asked him :" how is the weather outside ?" The barber said: " yeah..I think it still good" then the old man smiled and did more farts till the room became like a compressed can of gas and the barber had to go out quickly again to have a breath, When he got in again, the old man asked him again how is the weather outside is it cloudy now? The barber said : yeah um.m still OK, but if it's gonna stay like that it's gonna rain shits..and shits...and shits..
When he sat on chair he started to talk and fart continuously , The barber got annoyed and went out to have a breath, when he got in again, the old man asked him :" how is the weather outside ?" The barber said: " yeah..I think it still good" then the old man smiled and did more farts till the room became like a compressed can of gas and the barber had to go out quickly again to have a breath, When he got in again, the old man asked him again how is the weather outside is it cloudy now? The barber said : yeah um.m still OK, but if it's gonna stay like that it's gonna rain shits..and shits...and shits..
Hi guys - after a little competition hiatus, we're back to give you money if you can make us laugh!
This new competition will run from now until the end of May. Like the last one, the goal is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please
The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles, IGA, Aldi, or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).
The only rule is that the joke can't already have been posted in our previous joke competition thread (https://seniorsdiscountclub.com.au/...aw-to-win-a-100-coles-or-woolies-voucher.732/).
Here's my submission:
I went to the doctors recently
He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No, fatty - don’t eat anything!”
Walking into the shopping centre I noticed I didn’t have my car keys in my hand, I have a habit of leaving them in the ignition. my husband is always very quick to scold me for this saying the car will get stolen, and the insurance will be void. I quickly turned around returned to the car park and to my horror the car was gone.Hi guys - after a little competition hiatus, we're back to give you money if you can make us laugh!
This new competition will run from now until the end of May. Like the last one, the goal is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please
The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles, IGA, Aldi, or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).
The only rule is that the joke can't already have been posted in our previous joke competition thread (https://seniorsdiscountclub.com.au/...aw-to-win-a-100-coles-or-woolies-voucher.732/).
Here's my submission:
I went to the doctors recently
He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No, fatty - don’t eat anything!”
I phoned the police and reported the car stolen making a full admission I had left the keys in the ignition. OMG! I have to make the dreaded call to my husband. When he answered I told him the car had been stolen. A moment of silence , I thought he had hung up then I hear the screatch “ Are You Kidding Me” followed with a bark of “I dropped you off”. Now very embarrassed I replied well come and pick me up. He retorted I will as soon as I can convince the police I didn’t steal the bloody car..
Welcome to the Golden Years.
A man goes to the police station to report his MIL missing while swimming in the river.
A few days later there us a knock at the door it was the policeman saying that they have found her body. The man asks "I guess we should come down and identify the body" The police answers, "look it's best if you come only as she was found with 6 huge blue crabs on her, so what do you think?". Hmmm the man replies, " Tell you what you keep three and give me three and we can set her again tonight"
A few days later there us a knock at the door it was the policeman saying that they have found her body. The man asks "I guess we should come down and identify the body" The police answers, "look it's best if you come only as she was found with 6 huge blue crabs on her, so what do you think?". Hmmm the man replies, " Tell you what you keep three and give me three and we can set her again tonight"
What goes around the world but stays in its corner ? A stamp.
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table, but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't ...... she just walked in."
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table, but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't ...... she just walked in."
Went fishing one morning, but after a short time I ran out of prawns.
Then I saw a redbelly black snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good barramundi bait.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now I had to release the snake without getting bitten. So, I grabbed my bottle of Bundy Rum and poured a little in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the creek without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that bloody snake, with two more frogs.
Then I saw a redbelly black snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good barramundi bait.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now I had to release the snake without getting bitten. So, I grabbed my bottle of Bundy Rum and poured a little in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the creek without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that bloody snake, with two more frogs.
A lunatic escaped from an asylum in Paris and jumped into the river,
He is in Seine.
He is in Seine.
An cute Irishman held a can of fly spray and asked the shop assistant if it was good for moths.
HIs reply was "no it kills them"!
HIs reply was "no it kills them"!
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