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Sister Margaret had been a Nun all her life.. Then she was called to her
reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Hold on,
Sister Margaret; not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord
from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter. "You never learned right
from wrong and, to get into Heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong.
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into Heaven!" Sister
Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."
"Good!" replied the old Saint. "Now you are finally getting a feel for
right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after having several belts
of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter.......I feel woozy. That vile liquor burned
my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right
and wrong," said St. Peter with delight.. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. You know, Have sex with him, afterward, call me."
Two weeks passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a
message:
"Yo, Pete, It's Peggy.........It's gonna be a while."
reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Hold on,
Sister Margaret; not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord
from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter. "You never learned right
from wrong and, to get into Heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong.
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into Heaven!" Sister
Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."
"Good!" replied the old Saint. "Now you are finally getting a feel for
right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after having several belts
of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter.......I feel woozy. That vile liquor burned
my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right
and wrong," said St. Peter with delight.. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. You know, Have sex with him, afterward, call me."
Two weeks passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a
message:
"Yo, Pete, It's Peggy.........It's gonna be a while."
Abbott & Costello did this in one of their movies in the 1950's. Using non-Aussie places of course. They were hilarious. Especially their "who's on first" routine. Google it, it's worth it.
Mother superior and a young nun were riding their bikes on the cobblestone paved back roads in Rome when the young nun said “ oh I’ve never come this way before”, to which Mother Superior replied “ it must be the cobblestones dear”.
THE AUSTRALIAN CROCODILES
Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size
as kids... I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by Parliament House.'
'Same here. Hmm... how do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
them, and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'
Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size
as kids... I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by Parliament House.'
'Same here. Hmm... how do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
them, and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'
My Joke...
A converstion between a Toe and a Penis:
The Toe says to P, "geez I have a hard life; every morning I get up and my owner sticks me in a tub of hot boiling water and nearly burns me to death. Then he pulls a sock over me and puts me in a restrictive shoe and proceeds to stamp on me all day!!! Geez, it's a hard life."
Penis replies, "Ah, that's nuthin. My owner sticks me in that the same hot tub of water as you, then he pulls a pair of undies over me, shoves me over to one side and I have to hang around this very hot and sweaty environment all day Then, at night, he pulls a plastic bag over me and forces me to do pushups untik I spew up! Now that's a hard life!!!"
A converstion between a Toe and a Penis:
The Toe says to P, "geez I have a hard life; every morning I get up and my owner sticks me in a tub of hot boiling water and nearly burns me to death. Then he pulls a sock over me and puts me in a restrictive shoe and proceeds to stamp on me all day!!! Geez, it's a hard life."
Penis replies, "Ah, that's nuthin. My owner sticks me in that the same hot tub of water as you, then he pulls a pair of undies over me, shoves me over to one side and I have to hang around this very hot and sweaty environment all day Then, at night, he pulls a plastic bag over me and forces me to do pushups untik I spew up! Now that's a hard life!!!"
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A fella was retrenched from his job after being replaced by a little electronic gadjet that could do everything he could do and do it a lot better and cheaper. So, he got the sack...
He was talking about it a few days later, to his mate in the pub and his mate says, after listening to the tale "Geez mate, that's real unlucky", to which the first bloke said "That's not the worst of it all. When I went home from work and told the missus, she went straight out and bought one of these electronic gadjets too!!!"
He was talking about it a few days later, to his mate in the pub and his mate says, after listening to the tale "Geez mate, that's real unlucky", to which the first bloke said "That's not the worst of it all. When I went home from work and told the missus, she went straight out and bought one of these electronic gadjets too!!!"
Why did the toad cross the road?
To see his flatmate!
To see his flatmate!
Well we all know that petrol prices have risen, well I decided to put vodka in my lawn mower instead of petrol ,now my lawn is 1/2 CUT
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, & Malcom Turnbull ousted Australian prime minister all die. They end up in "hell". On entering He'll they see a red phone on a table. Asking the Devil, " why a phone here? He reply, " that phone is "direct line to earth". Putin rushes & uses phone for 5minutes. Devil says," that's $2million dollars, Mr Putin, he writes a cheque, next, Trump uses phone for 15 minutes, Devil charges him, $6million, again a cheque, Turnbull phones for 1 hour, when finished, Devil says, " no charge what so ever, Mr Turnbull!!" The other two are ballistic!! Why no charge? Devil says, " when Turnbull became prime minister, Australia went to HELL. So, ONLY A LOCAL CALL!!
James Turnbull
James Turnbull
A young blonde has just received a sizeable amount of inheritance so she decides to buy herself the latest model sports Mercedes Benz. She drives the car around till evening and returns home for dinner. An hour later she decides to go for another drive but the car won't start so she decides to try again in the morning.again she drives to all her girlfriends places to show off her new car.After she tries to start her car again at night the car won't start again.
A young blonde has just received a rather large Inheritance so she decides to buy herself the latest model sports Mercedes Benz. She drives the car around all day and returns home for dinner. After dinner she decides to go for a drive to the shops but the car won't start so she decides to go in the morning.Come the next day she drives to the shops and then decides to visit her girlfriends to show off her new car. When she decides to go home from her girlfriends place at night the car won't start again.Fed up with the car not starting she rings the dealer to come and have a look at the car. After the mechanic has thoroughly inspected the car he asks the blonde if she has noticed anything else wrong with the car whereas the blonde says to him.I am doing everything right where I do as it says "put in d for day and n for night "
At the time when highwaymen were routinely robbing stagecoach passengers,
one particular highwayman did not make a single penny from any of his holdups.
The reason why he did not get any money at all was because he had misunderstood
the standard highwayman’s demand to stagecoach passengers.
He was uttering “Your money or your wife”
one particular highwayman did not make a single penny from any of his holdups.
The reason why he did not get any money at all was because he had misunderstood
the standard highwayman’s demand to stagecoach passengers.
He was uttering “Your money or your wife”
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Coz he'd heard that the Ref was blowing fouls on the other side...
Coz he'd heard that the Ref was blowing fouls on the other side...
Then there was the story of the homosexual Whale...
He swam down, bit off the end of a submarine, and sucked all the seamen out...
He swam down, bit off the end of a submarine, and sucked all the seamen out...
At the Post Office???Where do you post?
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A joke sent by Brian Cudmore (he is having trouble navigating the website so I wanted to help him out!)
Two nuns and a mother superior died and went to heaven. When they arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter said to the three of them: "Before you can get in, you have to answer a simple question.
To the first nun he asked, "What was Christ's mother's name?"
The nun answered Mary.
"In you go." said Saint Peter.
He then asked the second nun, "What was Christ's father's name?"
The nun answered Joseph.
"In you go." said Saint Peter. He then thought to himself, "I might make this a bit harder for mother superior."
"What did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"
Mother superior said to Saint Peter "That's a bit hard isn't it?"
"In you go." said St Peter.
Two nuns and a mother superior died and went to heaven. When they arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter said to the three of them: "Before you can get in, you have to answer a simple question.
To the first nun he asked, "What was Christ's mother's name?"
The nun answered Mary.
"In you go." said Saint Peter.
He then asked the second nun, "What was Christ's father's name?"
The nun answered Joseph.
"In you go." said Saint Peter. He then thought to himself, "I might make this a bit harder for mother superior."
"What did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"
Mother superior said to Saint Peter "That's a bit hard isn't it?"
"In you go." said St Peter.
Old one but a goodie:
Jo Bjelke-Petersen and Bib Hawke were walking along a beach and engaged in a deep philosophical discussion when they came across a lamp. They both rubbed it and a genie appeared.
Thank you for releasing me from the lamp. As a reward I will grant you each one wish
Bjelke-Petersen goes first: I want a 1 mile high wall all around Queensland so nothing can get in or out. This will protect the sanctity and purity of Queensland from unwelcome outsiders.
Genie says done and the wall magically appears
Bib Hawke askes the genie - is the wall waterproof?
Genie replies - of course. Nothing can get in or out
Bob says - fill her up.
Jo Bjelke-Petersen and Bib Hawke were walking along a beach and engaged in a deep philosophical discussion when they came across a lamp. They both rubbed it and a genie appeared.
Thank you for releasing me from the lamp. As a reward I will grant you each one wish
Bjelke-Petersen goes first: I want a 1 mile high wall all around Queensland so nothing can get in or out. This will protect the sanctity and purity of Queensland from unwelcome outsiders.
Genie says done and the wall magically appears
Bib Hawke askes the genie - is the wall waterproof?
Genie replies - of course. Nothing can get in or out
Bob says - fill her up.
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