[benaxb]

A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.
"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,

"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"

The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."

The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.

>
Ten years later the tourist finds himself in the Chief's neck of the woods and decides to pay him a visit.

He enters the Chief's home and respectfully greets him, saying "Hau, Chief."

The Chief promptly replies, "Scrambled."




Here's a quickie for you:
What's the difference between a 1972 chevelle and a bic mini?
Well one is a heavy chevy and the other is a little lighter.

 

[Luckyus]

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says ‘who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature
and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can’t marry
her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take responsibility for my actions.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.’

Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I
would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold
Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a
hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him…

‘You root her again.

 

[My handle]

This is my best joke for entry to the competition.

We recently went to the UK to visit some relatives in Scotland and my sister made a huge pot of broth one day for lunch, but as it was too hot to eat she suggested a walk to the park. Upon our return we found the front door was open and the house had been ransacked. Leaning against the pot of cooling broth was a note that said 'We could not find anything worth stealing so we did a number two in your broth'. My sister was so annoyed as she had to throw most of it away. Scottish folk are very frugal you know.

That is revolting

 

[Luckyus]

A Mother Superior was speaking to the latest graduation class and asking them, now that they were going into the world, what did want to do for a living, the first one said she wanted to follow in the sisterhood and serve the Lord. Mother Superior was overcome. The second said she wanted to try to make her profession in the fashion industry. Mother Superior said that this also was a very notable profession, another wanted to settle down as a housewife. While another stated she wanted to be a prostitute, to which the Mother Superior lost it and started ranting about what she was throwing away with her education when the girl stressed that she wanted to be a prostitute, the Mother Superior said thought the girl had said she wanted to be a protestant?.

 

[JayKay]

What is a bed bottle

Bed bottles are used for male patients confined to bed to urinate in, most often in hospitals. Easier to use than bed pans for ladies.

 

[Defiant540]

What is a bed bottle

hot water bottle made of rubber,filled with hot water for you to warm your feet when you first go to bed, I used to love mine but haven't had one for many years now

 

[Defiant540]

Big Ears is Noddy's friend in Enid Blyton's children books "Noddy" series

what's that got to do with paying a ransom?

 

[Defiant540]

Old one but a goodie:

Jo Bjelke-Petersen and Bib Hawke were walking along a beach and engaged in a deep philosophical discussion when they came across a lamp. They both rubbed it and a genie appeared.
Thank you for releasing me from the lamp. As a reward I will grant you each one wish
Bjelke-Petersen goes first: I want a 1 mile high wall all around Queensland so nothing can get in or out. This will protect the sanctity and purity of Queensland from unwelcome outsiders.
Genie says done and the wall magically appears
Bib Hawke askes the genie - is the wall waterproof?
Genie replies - of course. Nothing can get in or out
Bob says - fill her up.

????

 

[Julia TH]

I

What is a bed bottle

I'm guessing they are hot water bottles.

 

[DavidC57]

I'm guessing they are hot water bottles.

refer to my comment #149, on 27 May 2022

"Its a long necked bottle that men can pee into when they're in a hospital bed!!"

It is definitely NOT a hot water bottle, they are NOT the same!!

You're Welcome

 

[JayKay]

what's that got to do with paying a ransom?

The question was,
"Why do the police have Big Ears?"
Answer is,
"Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom."

 

[Lindyway]

What is a deer with no eyes called?
No idea.
What is a deer with no eyes and no ears called?
Still no idea.

Should be what is a deer with no eyes and no legs. Answer. Still no idea

 

[NotPhilips]

What is a deer with no eyes called?

No eye deer.

What is a deer with no eyes or legs called?
Still no eye deer.

What is a deer with no eyes or ears called?
Call it what you like, it can't hear you.

(This version is from my primary school in the 1950s.)

 

[Tomhelm]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

 

[Tomhelm]

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack

 

[Defiant540]

Orson Welles cousin used to live in the East End of London.

His name was Orson Carte.

guess you have to be British to understand that one

 

[Mrt2u]

What do you call a head without a body........Nobody knows

 

[LH2022]

What's orange and smells like carrots? Bunny farts

 

[LH2022]

What did the farmer say to the cow on the roof?
Get off.
What did the farmer say to the cow on the roof wearing sun glasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognise him.

 

[Doodlebug]

A drover rode up to the pub at Walgett, tied his horse to a post, then lifted up its tail and kissed the animal's bum. A commercial traveler watched in amazement. Why on earth did you do that he asked. it's me lips, said the drover, they're chapped real bad. And that cures them, does it? asked the commercial traveler. " No." said the drover, " but it stops me licking em."