[Tervueren]

This is my Joke for the Competition....

Why can't little Ducks walk softly?

Because they can't walk hardly....!

 

[Dougal]

The Elders of a tribe in a remote village in the Congo were preparing festivities for the Chief's birthday.

A ceremonial hut was constructed with bamboo rods and with walls made of straw; and placed inside was the Chief's jewel-encrusted throne.

Just as the Chief was mounting the throne, a lookout shouted a warning that bandits in the area were streaming across the plain towards the hut.

The Elders decided to hide the throne on the rafters in the hut's ceiling, so a human chain was formed to haul it up.

Just as that was done, the hut started to shake due to the pounding hooves of the bandits horses.

The vibration caused the throne to come crashing down, injuring the Chief and several Elders.

The moral of the story is ………………………..

People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

 

[POTCH]

POTCH: HERE's my submission:
John: What rhymes with orange?
Jack: No it doesn't.

 

[benaxb]

Two guys walked into a Bar.

The third one ducked.

 

[LindaL]

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of Optimum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when the woman behind me asked me if I had a dog..

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Optimum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost three stone before I woke up in intensive care bandaged from head to foot with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Optimum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)


Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

 

[DrChip]

Camping, where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person

 

[Rainy]

How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: None, that's okay, I'll sit in the dark.

 

[Pink lion]

(Good for people experiencing times of loss or sadness)

Q "What did one Photon say to another Photon?

A "Tell me... What is the matter?"

 

[SirExton]

When the Lord God Created the Earth and Adam, Adam was walking through the jungle and walked into a clearing, where the sun was shining down on Adam. He was stood there naked, with his arms raised outstreched as the suns rays warmed his body. Adam called out to God and said "what is this Lord, it is amazing and feels great on my body?" The Lord God replied and said "that is the sun Adam, it gives warmth and life to the world, it makes the forest grow, that you live in!" Adam is stood there soaking up the suns rays, when an Elephant walks into the other side of the clearing. The elephant lets out the loudest squeal from his trunk, falls to the floor on his back, and is rolling around, trunk and legs flailing in all directions, trunking all the more louder and laughing. The Elephant finally composes himself and stands up, pointing his trunk at Adam and say's "how the hell do you feed yourself with that??" Adam looks up at the elephant and sheepishly says "yes I know and I cannot pick peanuts up with it ether!"

 

[BRIAN KK]

 

[Vinylted]

The San Diego Police Department were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office.

His voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago. "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a $20 raise.

At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."

"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost."

"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten.

That's when he jumped out the window."

 

[mikefrig]

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye? A winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, while breaking wind? A stinky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing the piano? A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing the piano, and driving a truck? Bloody talented!

 

[Thecheesequeen]

These are the words of a children’s book, by Craig Smith and Katz Crowley, until the last sentence.

 

[Vinylted]

You don't know what you don't know!

 

[DrChip]

Mother to Daughter, "Why the hell did you tell your father that BDSM stand for Burgers, Drinks and Salsa Music?" "He just invited Bob and Agnes over tonight to a BDSM party!! We are not done talking about this!"

 

[SirExton]

A 40 odd year old woman had been married twice and was fed up! Her first husband beat her. Her second husband ran away, with a much younger woman. On top of that, she could not find a man, who could satisfy her sexually! She placed an add in the local classified's saying, she was looking for a guy who would not beat her, or leave her and was great in bed? About a week later her door bell rings, She opens the door to see a guy with no arms and no legs at the door. He says "I have come to answer the add, you placed in the local classified adds. As I don't have any arms, I cannot beat you and as I don't any legs I cannot run away!" The 40 odd year old woman says, "what makes you thing you can satisfy me in sexually?" He says "I rang the door bell, didn't I"

 

[Vinylted]

Billy was so excited about his first day of school that a few minutes after class started, he realized he had to go to the bathroom. He raised his hand and asked if he could be excused. The teacher gave her approval, but asked that he please be quick.
A few minutes later, Billy returned to class looking embarrassed and desperate. "I can't find it," he told the teacher. The teacher sat Billy down, drew him a diagram to show where to go and asked if he thought he would be able to find it now. He looked at the diagram and told the teacher yes.
Five minutes later, Billy returned and said, "I can't find it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who had attended the school for awhile, to help Billy find the bathroom.
Some minutes later, they both returned and sat in their seats. The teacher asked Tommy, "Did you find it?"
Tommy was quick to reply, "Sure, he just had his boxers on backwards."

 

[Vinylted]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe?
We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a
picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

 

[Vinylted]

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one
of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, that would be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "would you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "what would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so
he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how would you like to stop at that motel with me?
"Yah, Ole, that would be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her gray curls on the pillow.
"What have I done? What have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you one thing," said Ole. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

 

[Leonard Hall]

My Joke as follows:
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."



Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.



At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."



"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"



"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.



"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"



That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?



"You're in the team for this Saturday