[Vinylted]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'
The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said.

'We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?'
'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'
'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'

The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'

'You a smoker?' the demon asked.
'You better believe it!'
'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie,
you're already dead, remember?'

'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'

The demon continued. 'I bet you like t o gamble.'
'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever.
If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?'

The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .'
'That's right! Thursday is drug day.
Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack.
Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'
'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,

'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

The demon said, 'You gay?'
'No.'

'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'

 

[Andrew]

Here's a joke for you. However it's a little risqu'e. The night before his wedding a naive young man goes to his father for some last minute advice. Well son he said. Marriage will make a man of you. Also you'll soon learn "What's what". The next day the wedding goes off without a hitch. The couple go off for their wedding night. As they undress , the groom see's something for the first time. Pointing to it, he asks his wife What's that?. She replies What's what.

 

[IWHT]

I need to VENT!!!!!!! Because I'M MAAAAD!!
I just went to Kmart to pick up a few things. I'm waiting in the queue and I dropped a $20 note (yep that's me trying to hold everything because I didn't want a trolley). The lady in front of me picked it up. I thanked her and held my hand out, and she said, "The things found on earth are kept by the collector," and walks away.
I was like oh HECK NO!! I looked at the person behind me standing in line, they couldn't believe it either.... this can't be real life right now, right?!
So I took a deep breath and I turned back towards the lady/thief/or whatever you wanna call her and as I approached her I said, "Do I look like I'm in the mood?! Let's not play games. Go ahead and give me back my money."
She had the nerve to ignore me completely and TRIED to walk away from me... SOOOOO, of course, I left everything and followed her to the car park as I was calling the police (because of course somebody's about to go to jail... not sure who at this point though, her or me). She was almost running at this point to get away from me, which was the first sign of real intelligence this lady had shown. When she got to her car she put her bags on the ground trying to quickly get her boot open.
I was boiling at this point! I decided that her “finders keepers" rule just presented the perfect opportunity for a great teachable moment... SO... I ran full speed ( probably not that fast), and grabbed her shopping bags, and headed to my car yelling, "The things found on earth are kept by the collector!"
I got in my car ignoring her every attempt to get my attention. I was outta line I'll admit, but she was too. I was MAD but I had a sense of satisfaction at the same time. Anyone who knows me knows that I've never stolen anything so this is completely out of character for me. But anyway I get home and open the bags and what did I find?
3 packs of fillet steak
3 kgs of wild-caught salmon
2 kgs of potatoes
And...
A bottle of Vodka
I can't help but think to myself... WOW! Not bad for $20

 

[Longfordhawk]

Paddy and Mick both bought a horse each at the local market. The horses were put into paddocks next to each other. One horse jumped the fence to next door. Paddy and Mickwere both upset as they couldn’t tell whose horse was whose. Paddy said, I will cut the tail off my horse. The next day Mick’s horse jumped the fence, pulling off its tail as it did and again they couldn’t work out which horse was which. Mick said, I will cut the mane off my horse. Then Paddy’s horse jumped the fence, pulling off its mane as it jumped. Paddy and Mick were both sick of this. That’s it, they said, we have to get rid of one horse. Which one will it be, the black horse or the white horse?

 

[widerspider]

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat a secretary!"

 

[widerspider]

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat a secretary!"

just look out that one of the cannibals does not want his share in bed in the morning.

 

[Mikeyboy2012]

The question of "When does life begin?" was given to a focus group.

Answers included;
- Life begins at conception.
- Life begins after 15weeks pregnancy.
- Life begins at birth, etc.

The facilitator noticed an older gentleman who was not engaging in the exercise and asks him when HE thinks Life begins. To which he answered;

"I'll tell you when Life begins.....When the kids leave home and the dog dies".

 

[Sia28]

“I Just saw myself in the mirror naked and I look like hell. How about a nice compliment to lift my spirits”, she asked her husband. “Your eyesight is perfect”.!

 

[patricksstaff]

What is the dfference between men and women? - A women wants one man to satisfy her every need; a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

 

[wenwen]

saint peter was at the pearly gates greeting visitors and Mr Smith arrived st peter says you have been so good on earth u did'nt drink sex etc u can have a BMW to drive on the clouds, Mr Jones then arrived and St Peter says well Mr jones u have not been good or bad so i will give u a dirt bike to ride the clouds, and he took off a few days later he cam back to st peter and says u know how Mr smith got a BMW and i got a dirt bike for not being good or bad well i just saw the POPE go past on roller skates.

 

[David Lloyd]

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver could tell they were all totally out of it, so he just started the engine and then turned it off again and said "you have reached your destination". The first guy paid him, the second guy said thank you and the third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he had done and asks what that was for? The third guy then replied "control your speed next time, you could've killed us"

 

[AnnaHelena]

Addressing a bunch of sleepy faces, the professor was telling his

early morning class, "I've found that the best way to start the day is

to exercise for five minutes, take a deep breath of fresh air, and

then have a bowl of delicious cereal with raisins and almonds, a cup

of green tea and finish with a cold shower; then I feel rosy all over..”



A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, "Tell us more about

Rosie.”

 

[Mikeyboy2012]

The oil well is ablaze and nothing could be done to extinguish the flames. So a call went out offering a one million dollar reward to anyone who could put out the fire.

Hearing this offer at the local pub, Mick and Paddy decide to have a go. So they grab their truck and gear and go down to the blazing oil well.

The manager gives them the go ahead and promises them the reward if they are successful.

Everybody is watching with great anticipation as the truck comes powering down the hill and without hesitation speeds straight into the fire and becomes engulfed in flames.

Moments later the fire miraculously goes out and the boys emerged from the smoke a little the worse for wear.

The crowd is astonished as a reporter congratulates the boys asks them what they are going to do with the money.

To which Mick replies, " Well, da first ting we're gonna do is get da brakes fixed on dat bloody truck".

 

[easpiro]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone
would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row
and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's
varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and
then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit p*ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show off his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play
a jazz chord".

Well and truly p*ssed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability

Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike...

nd starts to sing .....

(wait for it)





.>>"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

 

[easpiro]

The Irish Burgler.

Patrick went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said Patrick.

"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.

I've been trying to do that for years

 

[Vinylted]

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...and I

have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do

you think of that?"



The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and

never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his

Umbrella by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a bear. He

raised His umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the bear fell

Dead. What do you think of that?"



The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the bear."



The doctor said, "My point exactly."

 

[easpiro]

3 blonde sisters - Pammy, Tammy and Fanny

Once there were 3 sisters - Pammy, Tammy and Fanny.

All 3 had big feet.

Pam was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13.

Pam and Jan went on a double date.

Amazed, one of the boys said, - "God, you two have big feet."

.>

>

>

>

Pam replied, "You think they're big, you should see our fanny's,....

they're massive!"

 

[DavidC57]

Two young travelling Salesmen were driving through the countryside, late at night, when their car broke down.
Seeing only a light from a farmhouse on the hill, they walked towards it
After ringing the bell, they were met by an attractive, older lady, who welcomed them in.
After hearing their story, she offered them a meal, and a bed for the night.
After consuming a generous meal, and feeling tired the men excused themselves and, went to bed.
In the morning, they called the local mechanic, who came and fixed their car, and they were on their way!!

Years later, the two men bumped into each other and had a conversation!!
One said, “Do you remember the night our car broke down, and we stayed at that old farmhouse on the hill”? “Yes”, said the other!!
“Do you remember the meal, and bed, the lady so kindly offered us that night?” “Yes”, said the other!!
“Did you happen to sneak into her bedroom, in the middle of the night, and have an intimate time with her?”
“Yes, I did!!” said the other man, sheepishly.
“Did you use MY name, when she asked?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact, I did, why do YOU ask!” said the man, hesitantly.

“Well,”, the first man said, “She’s died, and left her entire estate valued at $2 Million, to ME!!”

 

[Dougal]

If there's a knock on the door and it's the Invisible Man,
tell him I can't see him at the moment.

 

[Dougal]

A man who used to work in a hardware store got a new job as
a headline writer for the local newspaper.

He was asked to produce a headline for the report of a lunatic
who broke out of his cell in the asylum, assaulted two women
in the laundry, then escaped.

This was his headline NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS