[Cheb]

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming, " Run !!"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers, " Run!! Run!! "
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.
The Umpire calls, " Walk !!" The batter starts his slow walk to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, " Run, ye lazy bastard, run !! "
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the mans's embarrassment , leans over and explains,
" He can't run---he has four balls. "
The Scot stands up and screams, " Walk with pride Laddie, walk with pride!! "

 

[Dougal]

A nun was strolling down the street.

She turned a corner, bumped into a clown; then fell on top of him.

That’s virgin on the ridiculous.

 

[Joyem]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows. 'Thirty quid' she whispers. Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty quid. So they hid in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is the police, 'What's going on here people?' asks the cop. I'm making love to my wife, Paddy answers sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry', says the cop, ' I didn't know'. 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'.

Job Interview
A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one or them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, naked. the woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first was from Canada, says 'My answer is, there IS no answer.' The second, from England, says 'My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information given.' The third one, from Australia, says 'I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Naylor.'
The Australian got the job.

 

[Vinylted]

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom. It was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one - holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."
"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."

 

[Cheb]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk, " What's with that guy over there by the wall ?"
The clerk says,, " Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, " You idiot ! You can't treat a cough with laxatives !"
The clerk says, " Oh yeah ? Look at him, he's too afraid to cough !"

 

[Cheb]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter.
He Says, " Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months
to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, " I want to be Sophia Loren," and * poof * she's gone.
The second nun says, " I want to be Madonna," and * poof * she's gone.
The third nun says, " I want to be Sara Pipalini ." " Who he asks ?"
" Sara Pipalini ," replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says, " I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.
St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, " No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline '
that was laid by 1.400 men in 6 months. "

 

[Austgate]

A health inspector is checking hygiene standards at a local bakery accompanied by the bakery owner. He is observing manufacturing processes when he notices an employee picking up small pastries lifting them to his mouth and with a small biting motion flashes the edge around the pastry. "What the hell is that man doing?" asks the inspector. "He's putting the pattern around the outside of the apple turnover" replied the owner. "Good God man, hasn't he got a tool for that?!" The owner says "Yes he does, but he uses it for the doughnuts."

 

[Dennis]

Mother to visiting daughter, pass me that newspaper dear, visiting Daughter to mother don't be old fashioned mother use my phone, Mother takes the phone, smashes it against the wall, result in one dead fly plus phone.

 

[SirExton]

Hi guys - after a little competition hiatus, we're back to give you money if you can make us laugh!

This new competition will run from now until the end of May. Like the last one, the goal is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please (possibly M-rated if it's very very funny)

The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles, IGA, Aldi, or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).

The only rule is that the joke can't already have been posted in our previous joke competition thread (https://seniorsdiscountclub.com.au/...aw-to-win-a-100-coles-or-woolies-voucher.732/).

Here's my submission:

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No, fatty - don’t eat anything!”

You’re already in the jokes forum, so just post a reply as normal.

How do we post a joke?????????????? There is no tab to add a new Joke???????????

 

[2Dogs]

Was at the races last week,
Noticed they’ve added a 3rd toilet for Transexuals,
They call it , the Gay Waterhouse.

 

[Dougal]

A palindrome, apart from being a friend at the airport, is a phrase
that reads the same backwards and forwards.

The very first palindrome in history was uttered by Adam when he
met Eve for the first time and said: "MADAM I'M ADAM"

 

[Kadiroma]

Two Irish mates were out fishing, Paddy says to Mick why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat into the water? Mick says to Paddy you fool , if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat

 

[Dougal]

There was one particular highwayman who did not get any money at all
from any of the stagecoach travellers he held up.

The reason why he hadn’t received a single penny from any of his
robberies was that he had misunderstood the wording of the standard
highwayman’s demand by uttering “Your money or your wife”

 

[Whitey Wiskas]

Hi guys - after a little competition hiatus, we're back to give you money if you can make us laugh!

This new competition will run from now until the end of May. Like the last one, the goal is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please (possibly M-rated if it's very very funny)

The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles, IGA, Aldi, or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).

The only rule is that the joke can't already have been posted in our previous joke competition thread (https://seniorsdiscountclub.com.au/...aw-to-win-a-100-coles-or-woolies-voucher.732/).

Here's my submission:

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No, fatty - don’t eat anything!”

 

[Kadiroma]

Two Irishmen were out fishing, Paddy says to Mick why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat into the water? Mick says you damn fool, if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.

 

[Esma Rose]

The Smiths were unable to have children so decided to use a surrogate to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye & said, "Well the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later ,just by chance, a door to door Baby Photographer happened to ring the doorbell hoping to make a sale. "Good morning Ma,am he said, I 've come to...", "Oh there's no need to explain, Mrs Smith cut in embarrassed, I,ve been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that is good. Did you know that babies are my speciality?" "Well that is what my husband & I hoped. Come inside & take a seat." After a moment she asked blushing, "Where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually start with two in the bathtub ,one on the couch, & just a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living-room is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't turn out right for Harry & me!"
"Well Ma.am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. If we try several different positions & I shoot from several different angles, I'm sure you will be pleased with the results." "My, that;s a lot" gasped Mrs Smith. "Ma.am in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in & out in five minutes but I'm sure you would be disappointed in that." "Don't know it" said Mrs Smith quietly..
The photographer opened his brief case & pulled out his folio of baby pictures.
"This one was on top of a bus" he said.."Oh my word" said Mrs Smith grasping @ her throat."
And "these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith. By then her eyes were full of amazement.
"Yes sadly. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four & five deep to get a look, & for more than three hours too. The Mother was continually screaming & yelling that I could hardly concentrate, & when darkness approached I had to rush my shots." "Finally when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs Smith leaned forward, "They actually chewed on your....uh equipment?" "It's true ma.am, Well if you are ready I'll set up my tripod & we can get to work right away." "TRIPOD?" "OH yes Ma.am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's MUCH too big to be held in the hand for long....."
MRS SMITH FAINTED..........

 

[Robbo128]

The day of the International Poetry Competiton Final has arrived.........

From the original 7,500 worldwide contestants, elimination after elimination has finally bought the two finalists together.
In the Great Hall, in front of many hundreds of guests, the finalists are introduced and the competition rules explained.
The two finalists are introduced as a clever young lawyer from London and an elderly Aboriginal man from Outback Australia.
The rules are explained to contestants and audience, the simple requirement is that each contestant must present a short 15 second, five line poem with reference to Timbuktu (a regional location in North West Africa).. The contestants are given one minute to compose their offering.

The clever young lawyer is called first and he takes to the stage, a deep breath, and he orates....

"Across the blazing desert sand,
Trekked the dusty caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Their destination......,
Timbuktu"

The crowd rises in raptures of deafening applause. When finally the applause abates, everybody is wondering how an uneducated, elderly outback man could possibly compete with the opening offering....

Then silence as the elderly Aboriginal man comes forward, takes in the atmosphere of the crowd, raises the microphone and slowly and deliberately announces.....

"Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent,
They was three,
We was two,
So I buckt one and Tim buk tu"

 

[gbfrichot]

Hi guys - after a little competition hiatus, we're back to give you money if you can make us laugh!

This new competition will run from now until the end of May. Like the last one, the goal is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please (possibly M-rated if it's very very funny)

The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles, IGA, Aldi, or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).

The only rule is that the joke can't already have been posted in our previous joke competition thread (https://seniorsdiscountclub.com.au/...aw-to-win-a-100-coles-or-woolies-voucher.732/).

Here's my submission:

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No, fatty - don’t eat anything!”

How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Meet Patty

 

[maryfern33]

While at a convention, Bill, Jones and Sam shared a hotel suite on the 75th floor. After a long day at meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel lifts were broken and that they would have to take the stairs all the way up to their room.
"I have a way to break the monotony," says Jones. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Bill can sing songs for the next 25, and Sam can tell sad stories the rest of the way."
As they started climbing, Jones started his first joke. At the 26th floor , Bill began to sing songs . At the 51st floor, it was Sam's turn.
"I will tell my saddest story first,"he said. "Once there was a man who left the room key on the car".

 

[margie]