[James Richard]

Joke
Valdamia Putun goes to a fortune teller & asks,
" what is in the future for me." The teller goes into a trance for a few minutes, finally Putin says, " what do you see?" Teller says, " you are going down the main street of Moscow, everyone is cheering, throwing hats in the air, happy," Putin asks, "Am I waving & smiling to them?' Teller says, "No, Putin, I'm sorry but the coffin is still sealed!!"

 

[Not too old]

Two old Italian friends are having a chat and Mario says to Luigi, "Hey Luigi, is a today your 50 years of marriage anniversary?'
"Yes a," says Luigi.
Mario asks "What is a your secret to a long a marriage?'
Luigi says, "Well a when we are a married for 25 a years I take ba my wife back to Italy to see the old a country and her family. Today I go back a to pick her up."

 

[Dennis]

some good jokes amongst that lot

 

[Dennis]

When a multiple million heir died he stipulated in his will that all his money should be buried with him, so his wife wrote a cheque out for the whole amount and put it in the coffin and lived happily ever after

 

[Nanna@Goulburn]

3 blonde sisters - Pammy, Tammy and Fanny

Once there were 3 sisters - Pammy, Tammy and Fanny.

All 3 had big feet.

Pam was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13.

Pam and Jan went on a double date.

Amazed, one of the boys said, - "God, you two have big feet."

.>

>

>

>

Pam replied, "You think they're big, you should see our fanny's,....

they're massive!"

I do enjoyed that joke

 

[aleenac]

Sitting beside my husband I said 'I love you'.
Hubby replied 'is that you or the wine talking?'
I replied 'it's me .... talking to the wine'.

 

[Lynette Finnigan]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'
The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said.

'We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?'
'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'
'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'

The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'

'You a smoker?' the demon asked.
'You better believe it!'
'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie,
you're already dead, remember?'

'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'

The demon continued. 'I bet you like t o gamble.'
'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever.
If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?'

The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .'
'That's right! Thursday is drug day.
Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack.
Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'
'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,

'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

The demon said, 'You gay?'
'No.'

'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'

Thats sooo funny!!

 

[Vic80]

Yesterday I met a friend who told me: since I don't have Facebook I'm making friends outside of Facebook following the same principles: I take to the streets and explain to passers-by what I did today, what I ate, how I feel, what I did the night before, what I'm going to do, what I'm going to do tomorrow I'll show them photos of my wife and those of the children, the dog, me washing the car and my wife who is cooking. I listen to what people tell me and I answer with a "like" with my fist and thumb up ... and it's working! I already have 5 people following me: 2 policemen, a psychiatrist, 1 psychologist and a nurse!

 

[Vic80]

I like to make the list of
my shopping before going out,
so I can leave it on the table and know what I have forgotten as soon as I return home!

 

[Jean Baker]

Hi guys - after a little competition hiatus, we're back to give you money if you can make us laugh!

This new competition will run from now until the end of May. Like the last one, the goal is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please (possibly M-rated if it's very very funny)

The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles, IGA, Aldi, or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).

The only rule is that the joke can't already have been posted in our previous joke competition thread (https://seniorsdiscountclub.com.au/...aw-to-win-a-100-coles-or-woolies-voucher.732/).

Here's my submission:

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No, fatty - don’t eat anything!”

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

 

[Benw]

A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"

 

[LindaL]

I stood naked in front of the mirror looking at myself I was thinking.
I better get dress and out of here before I get chucked out of Bunnings !

 

[Skipton]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Rustom about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Rustom advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus,
and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she
stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said,
'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked
'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. 'Rustom 's?'
'Yes I am.. How did you know?'
He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock...."

 

[PattyBlanch]

One Friday night Superman went round to Batman's and said "Hey Batman, how about a night out on the town, it's Friday night, pick up a few chicks, have a few drinks".
Batman said "Not tonight, too much crime, how about a raincheck?"
Superman heads over to Spiderman's and says "Hey Spidey, how about a night out on the town, it's Friday night, pick up a few chicks, have a few drinks".
Spiderman says "Not tonight, too much crime, how about a raincheck?"
Superman heads over to Wonder Woman's. The light is on in the bedroom and the curtain is open. He peeks in ad sees Wonder woman lying spread eagled and naked on the bed!
He thinks to himself "With my super speed I can have a quick one and be out of there before she even knows".
Ping, ping and he's gone.
Wonder Woman jumps up off the bed and says "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man says "I don't know but shit it hurt".

 

[margie]

 

[54-11]

A bit risque:

Three little ducks go into the Crown bar in Wick ....

"Say, what's your name?" the barman asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's yer day been, Huey?"

"Great.. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey

"Oh. at's nice," said the barman . He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's yer name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's yer day been, Dewey! ?" he asked..

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The barman turned to the third duck and said, "So, ye must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles.

 

[54-11]

There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote the "Hokey Pokey", died last week at 83.
The most traumatic part for the family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in and things
just started to go downhill from there.

 

[54-11]

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton-

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. Roseanne Barr-

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

 

[54-11]

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman!

Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

 

[Yubjuk]

Two old Italian friends are having a chat and Mario says to Luigi, "Hey Luigi, is a today your 50 years of marriage anniversary?'
"Yes a," says Luigi.
Mario asks "What is a your secret to a long a marriage?'
Luigi says, "Well a when we are a married for 25 a years I take ba my wife back to Italy to see the old a country and her family. Today I go back a to pick her up."