[Defiant540]

(Good for people experiencing times of loss or sadness)

Q "What did one Photon say to another Photon?

A "Tell me... What is the matter?"

???????

 

[DrChip]

???????

An oldies but a goodie

 

[Kakou]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe?
We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a
picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

That is not a funny joke, it is nasty.

 

[Reet]

My Joke as follows:
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."



Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.



At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."



"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"



"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.



"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"



That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?



"You're in the team for this Saturday

Clever!

 

[Reet]

Love the football joke!

 

[SuzyCom]

My Joke as follows:
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."



Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.



At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."



"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"



"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.



"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"



That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?



"You're in the team for this Saturday

Thanks. The best clean joke I’ve heard in ages

 

[Dennis]

A wedding joke for a wedding joke but a bit Naughty, three sisters married three brothers on the same day, and they were all booked into the same hotel, the mother of the sisters also decided to stay at the same hotel and that night as she walked down the corridor to her room she passed her daughters room and heard her crying, knocking on the door she asked what was a matter, the girl replied I am having sex for the first time and it hurts, the mother says goodnight and walks to the door of the second sister and hears peals of laughter and on asking if everything was alright received the answer i am having sex and it is making me laugh with joy, so the mother walks a bit further to the third bedroom and there was complete silence so she knocked on the door and asked if everything was alright, no answer so after the third try with no answer she went to her own room, the next morning she said to the third girl I knocked on your door three times to see if you was alright but did not get an answer, the girl said mother, all of our life you have taught us good manners and one of those was do not speak with your mouth full.

 

[Pink lion]

I guess this is how you post a joke?

A newlywed couple are in bed on their wedding night.
She said to him "I have a very deep secret to tell you...
Do you promise you won't get mad at me?"
He says" honey I love you nothing could upset me ... especially after today, what is it?"
She turns to look at him and says... A few years ago........ for a time, I was a Hooker.
The man lays back and thinks about this and says... " honey that's ok, it was another time.
We can share the experience you have gained into our new life together!"
she lay there beside him, staring upwards to the ceiling... and then turned to him and said,
I don't think you understand .....my name back then was Brian....... and I played for Wales.

 

[Linwar]

These are the words of a children’s book, by Craig Smith and Katz Crowley, until the last sentence.

I love that book and no matter how many times I read it and show the pictures in a local nursing home dementia ward...everyone just laughs and laughs, the more winky wonky donkeys gets them going.

 

[Defiant540]

That is not a funny joke, it is nasty.

no it's not it's hilarious! lol

 

[Dougal]

View attachment 9133

Don't understand what is meant by "picked up her winnings"
If the dealers didn't know what total she rolled, then how can she get winnings?

 

[JayKay]

I don't get that sorry.

I think you are joking?
No....OK, why would the grandmother have a Hysterectomy to stop having more grandchildren......
Now you can work it out.

 

[Possum Lover]

What about R for race?

Was that a young blond male?

 

[Vinylted]

I don't get that sorry.

Leonard doesn't sound like an Irish name hmmm??

 

[Defiant540]

A couple were having a large new house built for them. When reviewing the plans, the wife asked for a statue to be placed in every room.
When the house was built, the builder went to a lot of trouble and put a statue in every room, even small statues in the bathrooms and large statues in the loungeroom and in the middle of the circular driveway.
At handover of the completed house, the wife said "Very good, but can I have a statue in every room, please."
The builder pointed out all the statues to her, but she responded, "No No No, I mean one of those things that you pick up and say, "Hello !! Statue ??"

huh??

 

[Defiant540]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe?
We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a
picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

hehe haha lol!

 

[Defiant540]

huh??

Statue = is that you???

 

[Possum Lover]

Fore warned is fore armed.

 

[BrendaS]

Love it

 

[Dennis]

My Joke as follows:
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."



Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.



At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."



"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"



"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.



"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"



That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?



"You're in the team for this Saturday

I have seen this joke in the last few days somewhere else; but it is a good one