[Topher]

Hi guys! The Household Hacks competition was a big success, and a $100 Woolies voucher is being sent off to @JaMin for the winning tip.

Our next competition, running from now until the end of November, is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please

The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).

Here's my submission:

Why do blind people hate skydiving?

Spoiler: Joke Answer

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

Let the jokes begin!

They can't take their guide dogs with them!

 

[roodog52]

I used to go out with a lady with one leg and she worked at a brewery, she was in charge of the hops…

 

[Goodbloke]

Just received a message from my niece; she has had a baby boy! They're going to name him tomorrow.
I messaged back that I thought that was a stupid name for a baby !

 

[Angry ant]

Mick had quite a few drinks and his mates said he was not right to drive home, so he said no worries I will go home by bus. How did that go for you his mates asked the following week. Not good he replied, I had not driven a bus before.

 

[Angry ant]

A guy walks into a pub and orders three schooners of beer. He sits down and starts drinking them, sipping from each glass in turn. The patrons are watching this cautiously, and eventually the barman comes over and says that this is not the normal Australian way to drink beer. You could order them one at a time.

The customer laughs and explains that he is actually having a beer with his two brothers, but unfortunately one is in Perth and one is in Sydney while I am here in Melbourne. Each Saturday, the three of us sit in a pub and have a drink together.

The bar manager and patrons look perplexed but accept the story. This practice goes on for about a year each Saturday afternoon

One Saturday, he comes in and orders 2 schooners of beer which he proceeds to drink, sipping from each glass in turn. The pub goes a bit quiet as everyone see him with only two beers. There is a bit of quiet talk and eventually the barman comes over and asks if he is ok. He asks if the brothers are ok. The barman tells him he would be saddened to hear that one of his brothers had passed away.

The customer laughs and says, “ my brothers are both well, it’s just that I have given up drinking.”



Clive Alan

Probably an AA joke

 

[Goodbloke]

A police officer was at my door this morning. “Do the letters TG mean anything to you?” He said. “No.” I said. “What about RP?” “No..” I said. “How about AH?” He asked. “Look,” I said “am I suspected of something?” “No sir.” He replied “These are just initial enquiries.

 

[Quiltynut]

In a remote area in the Northern Territory lived a small community of very poor nuns. The younger nuns grew very depressed about wearing old faded habits so petioned unsuccessfully for new ones. Never ones to give up, they spoke to the local Aborigines and we’re told of a berry growing wild that would produce a lovely deep purple shade when boiled that may be suitable to brighten their garments.
The Nuns enthusiastically went about collecting and boiling down the berries and soaked their robes. Alas the next day they found the robes so stiff that they irritated their skins, and worse, they couldn’t bend their arms to genuflect!
They went tearfully to Mother Superior, who shook her finger at the group and said
“ You naughty nuns, you naughty, naughty nuns! Haven’t I always told you that OLD HABITS DIE HARD!”

 

[Dougal]

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous

 

[Vinylted]

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die.
But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse," The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back.

The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the tepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man...only think one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the tepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow...can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says,

"This last wish, white man. What want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!!!!!!!!!!"

 

[Dougal]

Elders of a tribe in a remote village in the Congo were preparing festivities for the Chief's birthday.

A ceremonial hut was constructed with bamboo rods and with walls made of straw; and placed
inside was the Chief's jewel-encrusted throne.

Just as the Chief was mounting the throne, a lookout shouted a warning that bandits in the area
were streaming across the plain towards the hut.

The Elders decided to hide the throne on the rafters in the hut's ceiling, so a human chain was
formed to haul it up.

Just as that was done, the hut started to shake due to the pounding hooves of the bandits horses.

The vibration caused the throne to come crashing down, injuring the Chief and several Elders.

The moral of the story is ………………………..............

People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

 

[Vinylted]

GROAAAN!

 

[Goodbloke]

Bloke just knocked on my door...... I opened it and he was about 3ft 3"tall....... I said "who are you?"...... he said "I'm the meter man"

 

[rest1953]

Dave and his girlfriend, Mavis, were having a little 'fun' in the haystack when Dave's Dad came along and saw them hard at it. Dad picked up a nearby piece of timber, snuck up on them and smacked Dave solidly on his bare bottom with the wood. The two sprang up and Dad began berating Dave. When he was done he turned to Mavis and said, "And as for you, my girl, I didn't think you had it in you."
Mavis hung her head and replied, "Actually neither did I until you smacked him with that piece of timber"

 

[Dougal]

A vicar had advertised for a bell ringer and had answered a knock on the vicarage door a
number of times during the day to a prospective bell ringer.` `

He asked them to go up the belfry stairs and ring the bells for a few minutes.

When they returned he asked them to enter their details on a form on the table and he
said he’ll be in touch.

The vicar then entered a score alongside the applicant’s details.

A while later the vicar was surprised to hear a thudding sound on the vicarage door.

He looked through the window and saw that the thudding was caused by a man banging
his head on the door.

The vicar opened the door and asked the man why is he banging his head on the door; but
then saw immediately why; the man had no arms!

“Good afternoon vicar” said the man “I’m here to apply for the position of bell ringer”

“But you have no arms” said the vicar “you can’t ring the bells”

The man pushed past the vicar, knocking him to the floor, then said “I use my head to ring
the bells” then ran towards the belfry stairs.

Just as the vicar was about to get up, he heard the most beautiful sounds of the ringing bells,
so he laid back on the floor listening in disbelief.

“How am I going to break the bad news to him” thought the vicar “that I can’t allow him to
ring the bells with his head”

After a while the ringing stopped, so the vicar got up and sat down on the chair at his desk
awaiting the man’s return.

When a fair while had elapsed with no sign of the man, the vicar wondered what is he doing
up there; so went up the belfry stairs to check, but the man was nowhere to be seen.

On hearing voices outside the belfry, he looked out of the window to see to his horror that the
man had fallen out of the window and was lying on the ground surrounded by a number of
people.

The vicar went down the stairs and out of the vicarage door, then elbowed his way through
the crowd to the man on the ground.

“Do you know this man?” said a policeman to the vicar.

“No” replied the vicar “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell”

 

[Vinylted]

A true classic from the age of groaners... love it!

 

[Vinylted]

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old ladies from town approached them. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied..."I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my FACE that they would recognise."

 

[Dougal]

Paddy was driving down a street in Dublin when he pulled over
because he was unsure if his left indicator was working.

Just as he was about to get out of the car, he sees Sean walking
along the street towards him.

He calls out “Sean, is my left indicator working?”

Sean bends down and peers at the indicator.

“Yes it is” he says, “Oh, no it isn’t, yes it is, no it isn’t…...................”

 

[Vinylted]

A vet gets a midnight phone call from a farmer. "I`ve got a very constipated cow - been like it for days, it`s in great pain, what can I do?" Sleepy vet, knackered after working all day and all evening, says: "If you`ve got one of those small bottles of highly concentrated milk of magnesia, get that down it and I`ll call you in the morning to see how it is."

Next morning the vet rings: "How`s the constipated cow this morning?" "Cow?"
says the farmer. "I said cat."
"Oh God," says the vet, "did you give it the concentrate?"
"Yes, I got the whole bottleful down its throat, I used a small funnel."
"Oh Jesus," says the vet. "how is the cat?" "It`s out in the garden."
"Dead I suppose?" said the vet. "God no," said the farmer, "it`s out there with four of
his mates, two digging and two filling in."

 

[Dougal]

The Annual General Meeting of the International Society of Psychics and Clairvoyants
has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

 

[jilly pilly]

A dung Beatle walks into a pub. He looks around and says to the bartender " Is this stool taken?"...