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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Greenie.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Greenies too.
Not really knowing what a Greenie was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a Greenie."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm a proud conservative Liberal," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a conservative Liberal.
"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Liberals, and I am a conservative Liberal too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a Greenie."
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Greenies too.
Not really knowing what a Greenie was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a Greenie."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm a proud conservative Liberal," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a conservative Liberal.
"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Liberals, and I am a conservative Liberal too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a Greenie."
So, this senior citizen was walking across a damp meadow when he heard a female voice say, “Sir, I would like to ask a great favour of you “He looked around and saw only a frog sitting on a grass pod. “I must be going nuts,” he thought, “There’s no one here.”
The voice then said, “Please, sir. Please help me.”
Again, all he saw was the frog which was looking straight at him. “Who said that?” he asked rather loudly.
“I did, sir. I’m the frog. I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me. Please help me.”
The old man picked up the frog and held it in his hand. “How can I help you?” he asked.
“The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me in the mouth. Please do it for me, and then I will again turn into a beautiful, sexy, princess, and I will really make you feel young again. I will make great love to you.”
The man closed his hand about the frog and stuffed it into his pocket. “At my age,” he said, “I’d rather have a talking frog.”
The voice then said, “Please, sir. Please help me.”
Again, all he saw was the frog which was looking straight at him. “Who said that?” he asked rather loudly.
“I did, sir. I’m the frog. I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me. Please help me.”
The old man picked up the frog and held it in his hand. “How can I help you?” he asked.
“The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me in the mouth. Please do it for me, and then I will again turn into a beautiful, sexy, princess, and I will really make you feel young again. I will make great love to you.”
The man closed his hand about the frog and stuffed it into his pocket. “At my age,” he said, “I’d rather have a talking frog.”
A new priest was very nervous about his first mass so the monsignor gave him some advice. "When I'm nervous I put a glass of vodka on the pulpit next to the water & take the occasional sip." The priest took the advice & talked up a storm that Sunday. Back in his office he found the following note from the monsignor:
1. Sip the vodka, do not gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s--t out of him.
7. When David was hit by a rock, he was knocked off his donkey, not stoned off his ass.
8. The virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
9. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
10.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
1. Sip the vodka, do not gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s--t out of him.
7. When David was hit by a rock, he was knocked off his donkey, not stoned off his ass.
8. The virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
9. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
10.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom , and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom , and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
Two Little Old ladies Two little old ladies, Connie, and Jean, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Jean, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show”!
"You're on!” said Connie, holding up a $10 bill.
So, Jean slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.
🕶
She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.
Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.☺Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
🕶
Finally, the smiling Jean came through the exit door to the sounds of a cheering, clapping crowd.
"What happened?” asked Connie.
"I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"
🎖 Life is short...Break the rules
A Chinese Doctor can’t find work in any Hospital in the USA so he decides to open his own clinic and puts sign outside which reads “GET TREATMENT for $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100”
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to make a $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer “ I have lost my sense of taste”
Chinese:”Nurse, bring medicine marked #22 and put 3 drops in patients mouth”
Lawyer “ UGH, this is kerosene”
Chinese “ congrats your sense of taste has been restored, give me $20”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer:” I have lost my memory! I cannot remember anything”
Chinese;”Nurse bring medicine marked #22 and put 3 drops in patients mouth”
Lawyer (annoyed) “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste!”
Chinese:”Congrats you got your memory back give me $20.”
The fuming lawyer pays him then returns a week later determined to get $100 from him.
Lawyer “ My eyesight has become very week and I can’t see at all”
Chinese “ Well I don’t have any medicine for that so take this $100”
Lawyer (staring at the note) exclaims this is not a $100 note!”
Chinese “ Congrats your eyesight is restored give me $20”
You can’t beat Chinese Doctors!!!
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to make a $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer “ I have lost my sense of taste”
Chinese:”Nurse, bring medicine marked #22 and put 3 drops in patients mouth”
Lawyer “ UGH, this is kerosene”
Chinese “ congrats your sense of taste has been restored, give me $20”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer:” I have lost my memory! I cannot remember anything”
Chinese;”Nurse bring medicine marked #22 and put 3 drops in patients mouth”
Lawyer (annoyed) “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste!”
Chinese:”Congrats you got your memory back give me $20.”
The fuming lawyer pays him then returns a week later determined to get $100 from him.
Lawyer “ My eyesight has become very week and I can’t see at all”
Chinese “ Well I don’t have any medicine for that so take this $100”
Lawyer (staring at the note) exclaims this is not a $100 note!”
Chinese “ Congrats your eyesight is restored give me $20”
You can’t beat Chinese Doctors!!!
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Miss Horn was grotesquely overweight, so her doctor finally prescribed a strict regimen, telling her it was the only way to avoid serious health problems, in the future.
"I want you to eat normally for two days, but then skip a day, drinking only water. Repeat this three times, and by the time I see you next Thursday, you'll have lost at least six pounds."
The patient promised to obey, and indeed when she showed up for the appointment
she was almost fifteen pounds lighter.
"Excellent progress, Miss Horn," enthused the doctor, quite amazed.
"And you lost all this weight simply by following my instruction?"
Miss Horn nodded, "It wasn't easy, thought, Doctor," she admitted.
"On the third day, I felt like I was about to die." "From hunger, eh?" the doctor said sympathetically. "No, no," she explained, "from skipping."
"I want you to eat normally for two days, but then skip a day, drinking only water. Repeat this three times, and by the time I see you next Thursday, you'll have lost at least six pounds."
The patient promised to obey, and indeed when she showed up for the appointment
she was almost fifteen pounds lighter.
"Excellent progress, Miss Horn," enthused the doctor, quite amazed.
"And you lost all this weight simply by following my instruction?"
Miss Horn nodded, "It wasn't easy, thought, Doctor," she admitted.
"On the third day, I felt like I was about to die." "From hunger, eh?" the doctor said sympathetically. "No, no," she explained, "from skipping."
Travelling salesman was driving down a long dirt road when it started to rain, the rain got heavier and heavier and was getting difficult to see the road.
Salesman spotted a farm house and drove up to front door where the farmers wife invited him in.
Salesman asked if he could stay the night as it was still raining and farmers wife said “yes of course” and showed him a room to sleep in.
In the morning the sun was shining and was a glorious day and when salesman looked outside noticed the water had risen and saw a hen house float by then a few trees and branches.
Then salesman noticed a hat float by and then turn around and go back the other way, intrigued he watched it for a few more minutes then went down stairs and told the farmers wife what he saw.
“Oh” she replied “that’s my husband and he swore come hell or high water he was going to mow the lawn today!”
Salesman spotted a farm house and drove up to front door where the farmers wife invited him in.
Salesman asked if he could stay the night as it was still raining and farmers wife said “yes of course” and showed him a room to sleep in.
In the morning the sun was shining and was a glorious day and when salesman looked outside noticed the water had risen and saw a hen house float by then a few trees and branches.
Then salesman noticed a hat float by and then turn around and go back the other way, intrigued he watched it for a few more minutes then went down stairs and told the farmers wife what he saw.
“Oh” she replied “that’s my husband and he swore come hell or high water he was going to mow the lawn today!”
Hi guys! The Household Hacks competition was a big success, and a $100 Woolies voucher is being sent off to @JaMin for the winning tip.
Our next competition, running from now until the end of November, is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please
The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).
Here's my submission:
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
Let the jokes begin!
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Guys, I'm gonna lock this thread because there's a new on here: https://seniorsdiscountclub.com.au/...w-to-win-a-100-coles-or-woolies-voucher.4723/
I'll be moving all the most recent jokes into that thread automatically, so no worries if you posted in this one recently
I'll be moving all the most recent jokes into that thread automatically, so no worries if you posted in this one recently
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