[Caswok]

Why shouldn’t you sleep with your head under the pillow?
Coz the tooth fairy will come and rip out all your teeth!

 

[Clive Alan]

A priest, an Imam and a rabbit go into the blood bank. The rabbit say I think I am a typo!

 

[Leeta069]

Two prawns are best friends and swimming around in the sea.
One is called Justin, the other Christian.
It's pretty boring being a prawn, so they were swimming around, disscussing what it would be like to be a shark.
"I'd love to be a shark." said Christian.
"Yeah, me to." said Justin. "It'd be a lot of fun."
"Anyway, I've got to go " said Christian. "See you".

So Justin is swimming home, still wondering what it would be like to be a shark, when he comes across a cod.
"So you want to be a shark?" Said the cod.
"Yeah" said Justin "Howd you know that?"
"I am a magic cod and if you wish it, I can make you a shark."
Justin though about it, and decided to go ahead with it.

The next day Justin wakes up and discovers he is a shark.
He decides to go tell all of his friends but when he gets to all of them, they run away. "No No!! Go away!!!" The they all said, even Christian.

So Justin is now swimming around, depressed that he hasn't got any friends when he comes across cod again. "Change me back" he said in desperation. "Alright" says the cod.

So the next day Justin wakes up and finds he is a prawn again.
He is so exited he goes to tell his friends.

"No! Go away Justin, you'll eat me!" says Christian

"No, you don't understand!" says Justin

"I've changed, I found cod, I'm a prawn again Christian!"

 

[Kawi]

One day Marilyn Monroe ran into Albert Einstein and said “do you realise we could have the perfect child?”
”Ms Monroe“ Albert replied, “not if it has your brains and my looks.”

 

[Cheb]

A GUY WANTS A DIVORCE.
HE TELLS THE JUDGE, "I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE. EVERY NIGHT SHE'S OUT UNTIL WAY AFTER MIDNIGHT,
JUST GOING FROM BAR TO BAR."
THE JUDGE ASKS, "WHAT'S SHE DOING."
THE GUY ANSWERS, " LOOKING FOR ME ! "

 

[Cheb]

AFTER 10 YEARS, A WIFE STARTED TO THINK THEIR CHILD LOOKS KINDA STRANGE.
SO SHE DID A DNA TEST AND FOUND OUT THE CHILD IS NOT THEIRS.
SHE TOLD HER HUSBAND WHAT SHE HAD FOUND OUT.
THE HUSBAND REPLIED, " YOU DON'T REMEMBER DO YOU?
WHEN WE WERE LEAVING THE HOSPITAL, THE BABY POOPED, AND YOU TOLD ME TO GO BACK AND CHANGE HIM.
SO I WENT INSIDE, GOT A CLEAN ONE AND LEFT THE DIRTY ONE THERE."
THE WIFE FAINTED !!!

 

[Fat&fancy]

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.

“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for her finals.”

 

[Dougal]

A new CEO has been appointed to the New Delhi public transport department.

His name is Singh Ghuldek Abbas.

 

[rest1953]

A man hears digging on the other side of his fence, so he peeps over and sees the neighbour's little five year old girl digging a large hole in the garden.
"Little girl" he calls out, "Why are you digging a hole?"
The little girl stops digging and replies, "To bury my canary"
The man laughs and says, "You don't need a hole that big to bury a canary."
The little girl retorts, "Well, true. It wouldn't need to be this big if my canary wasn't inside your cat!"

 

[Dougal]

Three elderly ladies sitting on a park bench were approached
by a man who exposed himself.

On seeing the flasher, two of the women had a stroke.

The third woman didn’t have a stroke, she couldn’t reach.

 

[Dougal]

A blonde was a passenger in the economy class section of a flight from London to Paris.

On visiting the toilet, she noticed a number of empty seats in the first class section.

She then returned to her seat, gathered her belongings then crept into the first class section
and settled into one of the seats.

A short while later she was approached by one of the flight attendants.

“Excuse me madam” said the attendant “You are an economy class passenger, you’re not
allowed in first class”

“Oh they’re driving me mad in there” wailed the blonde, “the kids are running everywhere
shouting and screaming, I’ve had it”

“Madam” said the attendant “under normal circumstances where an economy class passenger
has experiences such as what you had, we would allow them to go to first class if there were
seats available; but regretfully not on this flight”

“Why is that” said the blonde.

“The reason” replied the attendant “Is that the economy class section of the plane is going to
Paris, but the first class section is going to Frankfurt”

“Oh” said the blonde “I’d better get back to economy”

 

[Dougal]

A man had a date with a nurse, who he picked up at the hospital
where she worked.

When they were walking towards the hospital car park; he pulled
her over to the bushes at the side of the road and tried to force
himself on her; but she managed to get away.

It was the first time he had been refused on medical grounds.

 

[Robbo128]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to her friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome. The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart...................... But I was wrong, too!"

---

 

[DavidC57]

A Grasshopper hops through the open Hotel window, and lands on the Bar.
The Barman sees him, and says, "We have a Cocktail named after you"
The Grasshopper replies "What?.... Kevin?"

 

[Caswok]

Why is Santa’s sack so full?

Because he only comes once a year

 

[rest1953]

An overseas zoo had acquired a Big Red kangaroo as an exhibit. They placed it in an enclosure with a 6 foot fence around it...the next day it was out and across the road munching on the grass in a nearby field. They put it back in the enclosure and built the fence up to 8 foot...but the next day it was out again and in the field, munching on the grass, so they put it back again in the enclosure and called workers in to build the fence up to 10 foot...
The 'roo was lazing back, watching the work, when the resident wombat strolled up to him and said, "So, how high do you think they'll end up going with that fence?" The 'roo grinned and said, "Well, mate, unless someone fixes the side gate, I'd say about 100 feet or so..."


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[Jonathan Leane]

Thanks to everyone who entered - these jokes were all hilarious

It was a tough call, but I had to give the win to @reste1953 for the following joke:

Two blokes sitting at the bar having a beer. One is reading a National Geographic when he turns to the other and says, "Did you know that Lions have sex up to ten times a day?"

The other bloke stares into his beer and replies, "Yeah, that'd be right. And I've just gone and joined Rotary."

Toooo funny! Hahaha... Congratulations to @reste1953 - we'll be sending out your Coles or Woolies voucher once you tell us your preference.

We had nearly 100 submissions in total, and at least 30 of them were literally laugh-out-loud funny, so even if you didn't win the prize, don't be surprised if you see your joke showing up in one of our daily newsletters (with credit to you, of course).

We're launching another competition for December, so keep your eyes peeled for another opportunity to win.

Cheers

Jonathan

 

[little sis]

Customer: “Waitress, why is my doughnut all smashed?”

Waitress “You said you wanted a cup of coffee and a doughnut, and step on it.”

 

[Benw]

Who can drink 20 litres of petrol?

Jerry can!

 

[Geoff8]

What is the best thing to happen during sex?

Hiccups!