[Vinylted]

A snail became very rich, and purchased the
racing car of his dreams.
He had the letter S painted on the sides,
so that during races people would say....


wait for it



" Look at that S car go."

 

[benaxb]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the Fresh Prints!

 

[rest1953]

A chicken walks into a library and approaches the librarian behind the counter. The chicken says, "Book" so the librarian gives the chicken a book. Next day the chicken is back, walks up to the librarian and says, "Book, book" so the librarian gives the chicken two books. The very next day the chicken returns and approaches the librarian and says, "Book, book, book" .. The librarian's curiosity is well and truly piqued .. What is this chicken doing with all those books? So the librarian gives the chicken three books but this time follows the chicken at a discreet distance. After awhile the librarian sees the chicken stop by a river where there is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken drops the three books in front of the frog. The frog looks at the three books and says, "Read it, Read it, Read it."

 

[Butch]

What would you call Woolies if it burnt down?

Coles.

 

[rest1953]

The local zoo was struggling financially and just to make things worse their only gorilla died. There was not enough money to purchase a replacement and have it shipped in from Africa, so the zoo decided to hire a method actor and dress him up in a gorilla suit. All the man had to do was be in the enclosure and act like a gorilla during the time the zoo was open. The first day on the job the man is bouncing around, grunting, pounding his chest, climbing up the rope that hung from the tree and generally making like a gorilla. As the day wore on he got more and more into it, swinging wildly on the rope and the tree branches, snorting and pounding his chest...until suddenly he lost his grip during a swing and flew out of the enclosure and into the lion's enclosure. He lay on the ground stunned and when he came to there was a huge African lion standing over him. He started yelling, "Help, oh God...HELP!" until the lion leaned down and growled in his ear, "Shut up, you fool. Do you want us both to lose our job?"

 

[Dr.Page]

Did you know that there are no canaries on the Canary Islands?
No I didn't .
Well you know of the Virgin Islands?
Yes!
Well there are no canaries there either!

 

[Dr.Page]

A Christian Man was walking on a sort of pilgrimage through a forest when he was confronted by a huge, hungry-looking brown bear.
"How I really wish you were a Christian too", the man said.
"For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful", said the Bear!

Anne Page.

 

[dkjoseph]

A blonde at a bar starts a conversation with a bloke.
Eventually she asks him if he had any children to which he replied Yes one just under two.
She replies, I may be blonde but i do know that one is under two!

 

[Cezba]

A Father is driving down the road with his son, when he sees a lat tray truck carrying a load of turf on the back.
He points to the truck and says: ”I’d love to be rich enough to do that.’
The son says: “What, be a truck driver?”
The Father says: ”No, be rich enough to send my lawn out to get mowed...”

 

[BigRed]

Have you seen the film "Constipation"
No
I'm not surprised, it hasn't come out yet

 

[Bilmc36]

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out she'll kill me

 

[Jethrotull]

 

[Harmonie]

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?​

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.​

 

[rest1953]

Two blokes sitting at the bar having a beer. One is reading a National Geographic when he turns to the other and says, "Did you know that Lions have sex up to ten times a day?"
The other bloke stares into his beer and replies, "Yeah, that'd be right. And I've just gone and joined Rotary."

 

[Cezba]

Spoiler: Dirty joke warning :)

An elderly couple were having trouble connecting, so the woman decided to role-play to add a little spice into their relationship. That night, when her husband was coming to bed, she bounced out of the cupboard wearing nothing but a cape, and said “Super vagina.” The man looked at her and said, “I’ll have the soup.”

 

[MotherGoose]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.' God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit. Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog..

Then, it was already 1 p.m. He hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 p.m. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, although his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back... Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'

 

[rest1953]

A German tourist walks into a bar in Sydney and says to the barman, "Martini, bitte" The barman says, "Dry?" .. the German replies, "Nein, Eins."

 

[Quiltynut]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

 

[Marshlad]

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name

 

[Lisa]

Paddy walks up to Mick and says can you close your curtains next time you and your wife having fun the whole street saw you last night and we're laughing.... Mick says well the jokes on them stupid boogers cos I wasn't even home last night!!