[Jonathan Leane]

It's on again! Submit your best joke and go into the draw to win a $100 Coles or Woolies voucher!​

Hi guys - after a little competition hiatus, we're back to give you money if you can make us laugh!

This new competition will run from now until the end of May. Like the last one, the goal is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please (possibly M-rated if it's very very funny)

The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles, IGA, Aldi, or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).

The only rule is that the joke can't already have been posted in our previous joke competition thread (https://seniorsdiscountclub.com.au/...aw-to-win-a-100-coles-or-woolies-voucher.732/).

Here's my submission:

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No, fatty - don’t eat anything!”

 

[OperaticZeus]

Hi guys - after a little competition hiatus, we're back to give you money if you can make us laugh!

This new competition will run from now until the end of May. Like the last one, the goal is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please (possibly M-rated if it's very very funny)

The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles, IGA, Aldi, or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).

The only rule is that the joke can't already have been posted in our previous joke competition thread (https://seniorsdiscountclub.com.au/...aw-to-win-a-100-coles-or-woolies-voucher.732/).

Here's my submission:

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No, fatty - don’t eat anything!”

Hi I have a joke to post for the competition but can’t work out how to post it please help

 

[Dougal]

An elderly man had been given a sterile jar by his doctor and requested to return to
the surgery the next day with a sperm sample.

He returned the next day with an empty jar.

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well" said the man "I tried with my left hand, no good; so I tried with the right hand,
again no good"

He then said "So I asked my wife to help; but she had no luck either, trying with both
hands and even putting it between her legs"

"I then went next door" said the man "and asked my neighbour if she could help"

"She tried with her left hand, no good; she tried with her right hand, again no good;
she even put it in her mouth, but that didn't work either"

"What!" exclaimed the doctor "you asked a neighbour?"

"Yes" replied the man "she did her best, but none of us could get the lid off the jar"

 

[magss61]

Hope you love this one:
Why do golfers carry a spare pair of socks?

Answer: just in case they get a hole in one
️
Hahahahahahahaha

 

[Staceeseniors]

A frog walks into a bank. He approaches the teller and sees her name on her badge. Ms Patty Whack. He says to her I'm here to get my loan. My father is Mick Jagger and has already organised this with the bank manager. He then hands the teller a little figurine. She says she needs to talk to the manager first and off she goes. She approaches the manager and says Sir I have a frog at the front counter who says he is to get a loan, his dad is Mick Jagger and he handed me this. She shows the manager the little figurine. She says to the manager What the heck is that?
The manager says
It's a nick knack Patty Whack
Give the frog his loan
His old man's a rolling Stone!

 

[IWHT]

Why do ducks have feathers?

Answer: To cover their butt QUACK

 

[Jonathan Leane]

@OperaticZeus you just post it in this thread

 

[Maddison Dwyer]

Hi I have a joke to post for the competition but can’t work out how to post it please help

Just post your joke exactly like you did when you left that comment @OperaticZeus and that's considered as an entry to the competition!

 

[Erica.hux@ Hotmail.com]

Just post your joke exactly like you did when you left that comment @OperaticZeus and that's considered as an entry to the competition!

Just post your joke exactly like you did when you left that comment @OperaticZeus and that's considered as an entry to the competition!

A man is having breakfast when his wife suddenly hits him across the ear with the newspaper.
What on earth was that for?
Well, I've just been emptying out the pockets of your shorts and I've found a piece of paper with a girl's name on it....Mary Ellen oh no he says..."you have got it wrong Mary Ellen is the name of a race horse I put a bet on and won"
Oh well I guess that's Ok.
About 4 weeks pass and then out of the blue one morning he gets another clip over the ear's.
What's was that for this time? He asks...
"Your horse just phoned"


Erica Huxtable. Adelaide

 

[Jethrotull]

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

 

[Leonard Hall]

This is my best joke for entry to the competition.

We recently went to the UK to visit some relatives in Scotland and my sister made a huge pot of broth one day for lunch, but as it was too hot to eat she suggested a walk to the park. Upon our return we found the front door was open and the house had been ransacked. Leaning against the pot of cooling broth was a note that said 'We could not find anything worth stealing so we did a number two in your broth'. My sister was so annoyed as she had to throw most of it away. Scottish folk are very frugal you know.

 

[POTCH]

My Jokes:
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other, and both realise they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.

Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp-eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to, so, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system.

"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."




I woke up one morning with the mother of all hangovers and with my neighbour’s lawn mower buzzing in my ears.

I reckoned there’s no way I’m getting up, he can just mow around me!



Fond regards

Walter H.

 

[OperaticZeus]

a Teacher asks her class what pets they have.
little Mary says she has a cat called whiskers, little johnny says he has a puppy called spot and little jimmy says he doesn’t have a pet yet but is getting a hedgehog.
the teacher says are you sure, we have echidnas in Australia not hedgehogs
little jimmy says he is sure cause he heard his mum tell his dad if he took out the rubbish bins she would give him a hedgehog

 

[Vinylted]

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as a gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts the job.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes.
He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage
next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of the audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers himself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, help me!",
but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says.....
"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?

 

[Marianna Coleman]

This morning I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.

 

[Thecheesequeen]

Bert met his friend Fred in the street one Monday and asked him how he’d got a black eye. Fred explained that he’d been in church yesterday and as they all knelt to pray he’d noticed that the woman next to him had got her dress caught in her bottom crack. He thought she might be embarrassed about it, so pulled on the dress to free it. The woman took exception to this and reacted instinctively, punching him in the face, resulting in the black eye.

The following Monday the two friends met again and Fred’s other eye was black too. “Don’t say that happened at church, too”, asked Bert. “Well, yes”, said Fred. “Yesterday when we knelt to pray the same woman got her dress caught in her bottom crack again, and this time the man on her other side pulled it out. Well, I knew she didn’t like that, so I pushed it back in again!”

 

[Tassiebubbles]

A couple have very good sex life .He rollsover says lets have sex ,they toss and turn and have sex She does the same. They decide the word sex is boring. After discussing a few words they come up with "washing machine" because they toss and turn having sex.For a couple of weeks he says" washing machine " they have sex.The same goes for her. One night about 9pm he says" washing machine "she says no it's too late I am tired. About half an hour later she thinks that was not fair so she leans over and says "washing machine" he says " Too late hand done"

 

[Cheb]

A couple decided to go shopping at their local Plaza only to have their car break down in the car park.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward and quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband,
who was standing idly by watching.
The R.A.C.V. mechanic however, had to have stitches in his forehead.

 

[Cheb]

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge,
so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn't want to appear insensitive, he also doesn't want to miss an opportunity,
so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished. the tough, hairy biker says,
"Wow! That's the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting,
You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
She answers, "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......."

 

[Carole_Peggy]

Where do you post?