[Janell]

What type of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats.

 

[Janell]

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.

 

[MotherGoose]

In the "Star Wars" movie franchise, why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before Episodes 1, 2, and 3?

Because in charge of sequencing Yoda was.

 

[MotherGoose]

Two sewing machines are at a bar.

One turns to the other and says, "Hey, aren't you a Singer?"

The other turns and asks, "Why, Ja-no-me?"

 

[rest1953]

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well. as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket.Carry the bucket in one hand. Put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says: "let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possible hold you up against the wall and do that?

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[Liag]

How do you titillate and ocelot?

Oscillate its tit a lot...

 

[Goodbloke]

Two elderly gents Phil and Richard were sitting on a bench and chatting in the park. Phil says " You know Richard, my wife and I were happy for forty one years." Richard thinks on this, not wanting to be hitting a nerve thinking Phil's wife has passed away. Richard goes with the safe response. "What happened Phil?"
There is a deep breath and a pause, Phil says " We met".

 

[rest1953]

Two old army veterans were sitting on a park bench looking at the ladies walking past. One of them turns to the other and asks, "When was the last time you made love to a lady?"
The other old veteran replies, "I think it was about 1945."
The first one gives a little whistle and says, "Wow, THAT long ago?"
The other veteran looks at his watch and replies, "Yeah, dunno, not that long ago. It's only 2155 hours now!"

 

[Vinylted]

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids ...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. They usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

 

[Tezza]

When does a joke become a Dad Joke: when it becomes apparent.

 

[Dougal]

A new Chief Commissioner of the London Metropolitan Police has been appointed.



His name is Scott Lanyard.

 

[Mathera]

This is an original!


Have you heard about the new freeway in Egypt?
The camels are humper to humper !

 

[Yvonne C.]

I went into a chemist shop the other day and while I was there, 2 young boys came in. They took down a packet of tampons and took it up to the check-out counter. The pharmacist was standing behind the counter and said to the older of the two boys "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" came the reply. The pharmacist asked "Do you know what these are used for?" "Not exactly" said the boy, "but they're not for me. They're for him. He's my brother and he's four". "Oh really" smiled the pharmacist. "Yes" the boy continued. "We saw it on the telly the other night. They said if you used these you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike, and at the moment he can't do any of those things!"

 

[CMC]

What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Ans: LOST!

 

[Gdoubleya1]

Grandma says to daughter I will show you how to make Date scones. Grandaughter says smartly that's easy, just add dates. Poppy is listening and quickly adds, what dates 1st of Feb or maybe 10 th May?

 

[Gil]

A homeless man enters a diner.
He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally, the homeless man asks the cowboy. “Are you going to eat that chili?” “Nope, it’s yours if you want it” says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says “Yep, same thing happened to me.”

 

[Leonard Hall]

​

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

[Adele]

Did you hear about the two blondes that walked into this building?

You'd think one of them would have seen it!

 

[Gil]

 

[AvieP]

Great Riddles.



"You cannot taste me, until you undress me"

- Banana

"You cannot eat me unless you lick me"

- Ice cream

"You can not play with me unless you blow me"

- Balloon

"You cannot enjoy me unless you suck me"

- Lollipop

"You make me wet & put me in your mouth everyday"

- Toothbrush

And the most killer one!

"You cannot enjoy me unless you spread me"

- Butter