[Thecheesequeen]

Where do you post?

You’re already in the jokes forum, so just post a reply as normal.

 

[Dougal]

After the birth of her 17th grandchild, the Irish grandmother decided
enough was enough, so applied to have a hysterectomy.

 

[Vinylted]

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat a secretary!"

 

[Dougal]

The Elders of a tribe in a remote village in the Congo were preparing festivities
for the Chief's birthday.

A ceremonial hut was constructed with bamboo rods and with walls made of
straw; and placed inside was the Chief's jewel-encrusted throne.

Just as the Chief was mounting the throne, a lookout shouted a warning that
bandits in the area were streaming across the plain towards the hut.

The Elders decided to hide the throne on the rafters in the hut's ceiling, so a
human chain was formed to haul it up.

Just as that was done, the hut started to shake due to the pounding hooves of
the bandits horses.

The vibration caused the throne to come crashing down, injuring the Chief and
several Elders.

The moral of the story is ………………………............

People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

 

[Mauvehaze]

A woman is walking through Kings Park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit. The woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure, but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Marilyn Manson t-shirt. Marilyn Manson is my favorite. In 1999 my parents took me to see them in Perth. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Marilyn Manson."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them in '99! First concert I ever went to. My best friend Jimmy McDonald and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at Bassendean Oval!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. When I at university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok." the woman says "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Easter he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

 

[Pikey]

A friend of mine had a medical problem. When he stood at the urinal with other gentlemen he inadvertently sprayed those on either side of him. As you can imagine this resulted in a lot of abuse and embarrassment. He decided to go seek medical treatment and find out why this always happened. The doctor took out his magnifying glass and examined his apparatus. He found that my friend had holes along the full length of it. Thus causing the problem. The doctor wrote out a referral and gave it my friend. My friend asked if it was for a specialist. Doctor said no it was for a Clarinet player who would be able show him where to place his fingers.

 

[Vinylted]

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework.

One day Charley, her husband, read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. So one evening, he declared to do her work. When Mary arrived home from work she was surprised to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.

She was astonished and wanted to know immediately what was going on. Upon asking, Charley told about the magazine article.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.
Mary said, "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.
"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

 

[Vinylted]

A woman is walking through Kings Park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit. The woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure, but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Marilyn Manson t-shirt. Marilyn Manson is my favorite. In 1999 my parents took me to see them in Perth. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Marilyn Manson."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them in '99! First concert I ever went to. My best friend Jimmy McDonald and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at Bassendean Oval!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. When I at university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok." the woman says "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Easter he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

GROAAAAN but I loved it!

 

[mikefrig]

I sat on the plane in first class. There was a vacant seat next to me. I prayed for a beautiful woman to join me, and she did! We were headed from Sydney to Amsterdam. I asked her whether she was travelling for business or pleasure. She replied that it was a bit of both. Then she explained that she was going to the World Nymphomaniacs Convention, as she had just been elected President! I was gobsmacked! So I asked her, who did she think the world's greatest lovers were? She replied that without a doubt it was the Greeks. They were amazing. Then I asked her who in her opinion had the biggest 'business package'? She replied that without a doubt it was the American Indians - they were huge! After a while she said that we hadn't introduced ourselves yet, and asked me my name. I replied, 'Tonto Papadopoulos'

 

[Luckyus]

Venison is Deer?.

 

[Ikemat]

Two grandmas, Agnes and Esme, are meeting at a café. They’re having a nice chat over cake and coffee when suddenly Agnes remarks, “Um, Esme, you seem to have a suppository in your left ear…”

Esme is surprised and fishes the suppository out of her ear, looks at it for a while and sighs, “Well I guess I know where to find my hearing aid then.”

 

[Shazamac57]

This is an oldy that my dear Mum used to tell. Paddy and Jock were the local “Night men” that used to empty the outside toilet Dunny Cans into the Dunny Truck. One morning Jock was horrified to see Paddy with his arms deep in the muck in the back of the truck . Paddy……Jock cries out, What are you doing man are you crazy? Jock …he says I’ve dropped my coat in the muck! Well you are not going to get it out and wear it are you says Jock. No says Paddy don’t be stupid man I’m after my lunch it was in the back pocket! Boom ching.

 

[Shazamac57]

This one is for the Sci Fi fans out there!
Q. What’s the difference between the Star Ship Enterprise and a roll of Toilet Paper?
A. Nothing. Because they both go around Uranus looking for Klingons.

 

[Luckyus]

This is an oldy that my dear Mum used to tell. Paddy and Jock were the local “Night men” that used to empty the outside toilet Dunny Cans into the Dunny Truck. One morning Jock was horrified to see Paddy with his arms deep in the muck in the back of the truck . Paddy……Jock cries out, What are you doing man are you crazy? Jock …he says I’ve dropped my coat in the muck! Well you are not going to get it out and wear it are you says Jock. No says Paddy don’t be stupid man I’m after my lunch it was in the back pocket! Boom ching.

Speaking of night carts, they used to say that they were the fastest vehicles ever, 200 pistins?

 

[lewist]

Here’s my joke…

An elderly man went to the store and asked for 6 cans of Pal dog food. The cashier said there had been reports that pensioners had been buying pet food to eat themselves and he must first see proof that the old guy owned a dog.
He later returned and held up a shopping bag. The cashier put his hand in the bag and sure enough there was a little dog in the bag so he sold him the dog food.
Next day the pensioner asked to buy 6 cans of Whiskettes cat food but the cashier again asked him to prove he had a cat. The pensioner returned holding a bag and the cashier put his hand in the bag and found a little cat then sold him the cat food.
The next day the pensioner returned and immediately held up his bag to the cashier saying “I’m way ahead of you this time mate!”
When the cashier put his hand in the the bag he quickly withdrew it in horror… and the pensioner said “That’s right mate, I’ll have 6 rolls of toilet paper please.

Regards
Terry Lewis

 

[Benw]

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her, her drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink in fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I'll have a scotch and two drops of water."

"All right," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one."

The old woman says, "Great. Bartender I'll have a scotch and two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity.

Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny you learn that when you're my age you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

 

[BRIAN KK]

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver could tell they were all totally out of it, so he just started the engine and then turned it off again and said "you have reached your destination". The first guy paid him, the second guy said thank you and the third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he had done and asks what that was for? The third guy then replied "control your speed next time, you could've killed us"

 

[Mardi62]

Mardi Mehana

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

 

[Mardi62]

We were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. We decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
We said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
We said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. We couldn't believe it. We said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.

 

[Cheb]

Hi guys - after a little competition hiatus, we're back to give you money if you can make us laugh!

This new competition will run from now until the end of May. Like the last one, the goal is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please (possibly M-rated if it's very very funny)

The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles, IGA, Aldi, or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).

The only rule is that the joke can't already have been posted in our previous joke competition thread (https://seniorsdiscountclub.com.au/...aw-to-win-a-100-coles-or-woolies-voucher.732/).

Here's my submission:

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No, fatty - don’t eat anything!”