Ask Joy: Build a Village: Finding happiness and friendship in later life
- Replies 22
Note from the Editor:
This article was kindly written for the SDC by retired psychologist/ member @Joy Straw.
Our lives change over time, and sometimes, we may find ourselves more isolated than at other times; the COVID-19 pandemic was a great example of social isolation.
Downsizing from where we’ve lived for many years to somewhere more comfortable and easier to manage can create a period of fewer friends. This can also be a great opportunity to make new friends and create your own community or ‘village’.
The old saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ can be true about us as well, even at our age, ‘it takes a village’.
As our lifestyle changes, we may find ourselves more socially isolated, and with that comes higher rates of depression, anxiety and suicide.
‘Loneliness can also increase the risk of dementia by 50%.’ – Emma Rubin, Elderly Loneliness Statistics.
A ‘village’ is made up of people who help one another out, not how many social engagements we can have. There are many ways to break free of this isolation and bring about a healthier mental way of being.
For example, a group of people in a retirement village were concerned about not being able to visit each other and not having their families visit after the terrible isolation of the first wave of COVID-19. One of them bought a $50 outdoor table and chairs (from Facebook Marketplace), and a group was formed. They met for coffee with 1.8 metres between each person in the open air and broke down the isolation they all felt. That group continues to meet weekly, celebrate life and birthdays and share feelings of sadness.
Why? How? They grew together as a small community to support each other. Each one brings a special trait to the group, which will be discussed a little further on.
It can be as simple as an invitation for coffee between two people and building from there or as complex as a formed community group like Lions, Probus or a community reading group.
These new friends can be as far away as the next community or as close as next door. The simplicity of building your village can be to invite someone for coffee, exchanging recipes or a shared love of gardening.
Now we know where to find our new potential friends, how do we go about starting new friendships?
Reach out – An offer of help will start a conversation. Offering help where needed and asking for help when applicable.
Volunteer – By helping others, you can be drawn into an existing community.
Wellness check – A knock on the door to see if someone is okay. A simple text. ‘Can I get you something at the shops?’
Learn to read people – Not just to say hello but observe ‘you look a little sad/upset/tired’ and start a conversation.
Learn to really listen to people – Intimacy comes from respect, trust and hearing what the other person is actually saying.
Join an existing group – U3A (University of the Third Age), Probus, The Men’s Shed, and Connected Women are already existing groups that offer a wealth of like-minded people.
Be aware that none of us are perfect, but we all have something to offer. Bear in mind when inviting people to join your village, what can each person do to enhance and build your village?
The types of villagers can be as follows or can have a mixture of these traits:
Accepting – Active listener, nonjudgemental and brings balance.
Dependable – Someone you know you can rely on, an emergency contact person, someone you can share your private information with.
Confidence Raiser – ‘You look lovely in that dress,’ curious, ‘How did you do it?’, understands the needs of others. Someone who brings flowers or a casserole when you’re sick or sends a check-up text.
Communicator – Makes clear what’s being said; someone who understands what’s needed and helps others to speak. The peacemaker.
The Healer – Makes you feel better, comforts, is patient, offers compassion when you’re sick or sad and provides laughter.
The Organiser/planner/coordinator – Forms events and timetables, helps the group get things done, helps and nurtures others.
In Summary:
How to find friends
How to make friends
How to keep friends
Finally, if you don’t fit or you don’t like the fit, keep looking. Your village is out there, and when you find them, you’ll feel the flow of support, shared ideas and values of kindness, caring and empathy. Find those people who help you live your best life as you help them live theirs.
About the author: My name is Joy Straw, and I’ve been a counsellor and (now retired) psychologist working with couples and individuals, as well as children in crisis, for over 30 years. I am a widow with two children and three grandchildren and have recently moved to a retirement village and am loving life again.
Interested in reading more from Joy? You can find all her articles here.
Looking for immediate support? Here is a list of free mental health helplines.
Rewards members, you can ask Joy a question here.
Not a Rewards member yet? You can sign up for SDC Rewards today—it starts at under 14 cents per day.
This article was kindly written for the SDC by retired psychologist/ member @Joy Straw.
Our lives change over time, and sometimes, we may find ourselves more isolated than at other times; the COVID-19 pandemic was a great example of social isolation.
Downsizing from where we’ve lived for many years to somewhere more comfortable and easier to manage can create a period of fewer friends. This can also be a great opportunity to make new friends and create your own community or ‘village’.
The old saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ can be true about us as well, even at our age, ‘it takes a village’.
As our lifestyle changes, we may find ourselves more socially isolated, and with that comes higher rates of depression, anxiety and suicide.
‘Loneliness can also increase the risk of dementia by 50%.’ – Emma Rubin, Elderly Loneliness Statistics.
A ‘village’ is made up of people who help one another out, not how many social engagements we can have. There are many ways to break free of this isolation and bring about a healthier mental way of being.
For example, a group of people in a retirement village were concerned about not being able to visit each other and not having their families visit after the terrible isolation of the first wave of COVID-19. One of them bought a $50 outdoor table and chairs (from Facebook Marketplace), and a group was formed. They met for coffee with 1.8 metres between each person in the open air and broke down the isolation they all felt. That group continues to meet weekly, celebrate life and birthdays and share feelings of sadness.
Why? How? They grew together as a small community to support each other. Each one brings a special trait to the group, which will be discussed a little further on.
Coffee can be a great way to connect. Image Credit: Shutterstock
It can be as simple as an invitation for coffee between two people and building from there or as complex as a formed community group like Lions, Probus or a community reading group.
These new friends can be as far away as the next community or as close as next door. The simplicity of building your village can be to invite someone for coffee, exchanging recipes or a shared love of gardening.
Now we know where to find our new potential friends, how do we go about starting new friendships?
Reach out – An offer of help will start a conversation. Offering help where needed and asking for help when applicable.
Volunteer – By helping others, you can be drawn into an existing community.
Wellness check – A knock on the door to see if someone is okay. A simple text. ‘Can I get you something at the shops?’
Learn to read people – Not just to say hello but observe ‘you look a little sad/upset/tired’ and start a conversation.
Learn to really listen to people – Intimacy comes from respect, trust and hearing what the other person is actually saying.
Join an existing group – U3A (University of the Third Age), Probus, The Men’s Shed, and Connected Women are already existing groups that offer a wealth of like-minded people.
Be aware that none of us are perfect, but we all have something to offer. Bear in mind when inviting people to join your village, what can each person do to enhance and build your village?
Who is in your village? Image Credit: Shutterstock
The types of villagers can be as follows or can have a mixture of these traits:
Accepting – Active listener, nonjudgemental and brings balance.
Dependable – Someone you know you can rely on, an emergency contact person, someone you can share your private information with.
Confidence Raiser – ‘You look lovely in that dress,’ curious, ‘How did you do it?’, understands the needs of others. Someone who brings flowers or a casserole when you’re sick or sends a check-up text.
Communicator – Makes clear what’s being said; someone who understands what’s needed and helps others to speak. The peacemaker.
The Healer – Makes you feel better, comforts, is patient, offers compassion when you’re sick or sad and provides laughter.
The Organiser/planner/coordinator – Forms events and timetables, helps the group get things done, helps and nurtures others.
In Summary:
How to find friends
- Online
- Established groups
- Others living around us
- Volunteering
How to make friends
- Listen, listen and listen…
- ‘Would you mind me joining you?’
- Be compassionate, empathise and try to understand another’s point of view. You don’t have to agree, but try to understand, and if you can’t, try to learn.
- Give and accept invitations: coffee, book clubs, parties.
- Ask someone if they need help and accept help if offered.
How to keep friends
- Know when to step back.
- Be a good listener.
- Don’t try to fix (all) things; some things can’t be fixed, and that’s okay.
- Be kind, and try to understand, even if you’re not sure.
- Give of yourself, not too much, or that turns into resentment.
- Don’t always make things about you.
- Be brave, take a step forward and be more like the type of friends you want.
- Go gently into a group, observe and listen.
- Look for what suits you about this group/village and think about what you have to offer. Make sure you have similar values and value what you have to offer.
- Feel confident in what you have to offer; everyone has value.
- Remember, one mouth and two ears help for better communication.
Finally, if you don’t fit or you don’t like the fit, keep looking. Your village is out there, and when you find them, you’ll feel the flow of support, shared ideas and values of kindness, caring and empathy. Find those people who help you live your best life as you help them live theirs.
About the author: My name is Joy Straw, and I’ve been a counsellor and (now retired) psychologist working with couples and individuals, as well as children in crisis, for over 30 years. I am a widow with two children and three grandchildren and have recently moved to a retirement village and am loving life again.
Interested in reading more from Joy? You can find all her articles here.
Looking for immediate support? Here is a list of free mental health helplines.
Rewards members, you can ask Joy a question here.
Not a Rewards member yet? You can sign up for SDC Rewards today—it starts at under 14 cents per day.
Last edited:
.png){kind=icon}
