[Ivory]

Ummm​

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said, “David, I have some good news and some bad news.”

David replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she told me she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15–20 million. I think she could be right.”

David replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman. What’s the bad news?”

The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

 

[Luckyus]

That ones a permanent on the Carousel?

 

[Luckyus]

A man was shot with a starting pistol,
and beaten with a relay batten.
Police investigating, think it might be race related!

 

[Luckyus]

Just finished with my lass Lorraine ..
It was getting hard going and
Claire Lee from work who's well fit is chasing me
So I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone

 

[Luckyus]

Roses are Red, Violets are Blueish,
If it wasn't for Christmas
We'd All be Jewish

 

[Luckyus]

An Egyptian Mummy has been found
covered in chocolate and nuts
Archaeologists think it may be an original Pharaoh Rocher !!

 

[Luckyus]

Had a dream last night where there was
a load of large dogs in uniform playing
musical instruments & singing in the town centre.

Someone told me that it was the Alsatian Army……..

 

[Luckyus]

My mate is always doing daft things.
Yesterday he pulled out a nose hair just to see if it hurt.

He said, “Judging by the reaction of the
bloke asleep next to me on the bus,
It’s pretty bloody painful.

 

[UruauP]

A man was shot with a starter pistol,
and beaten with a relay batten.
Police investigating, think it might be race-related!

Cracker.

 

[Luckyus]

i was Christmas shopping a few years ago
and saw a brass band next to the cake shop,
who were dribbling from their instruments.

It turns out it was the salivation army.

 

[Luckyus]

Wife sent me a text yesterday saying she was in Casualty.
When I got home last night I watched all
60 minutes of it - never saw her once
She still hasn’t come home yet and I’m bloody starving!!!!!

 

[Littleboy8]

My mate is always doing daft things.
Yesterday he pulled out a nose hair just to see if it hurt.

He said, “Judging by the reaction of the
bloke asleep next to me on the bus,
It’s pretty bloody painful.

funny

 

[Luckyus]

What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot?

Voicemail

 

[Luckyus]

My mate, a keen golfer, revealed that our local
semi-pro golf club is looking for a new treasurer.

I asked him, “Didn't you just hire a new one last month.

He replied, “Yea, that's the bastard we are looking for”

 

[Luckyus]

Leather is "rated" based on its texture.
Cows with abundant water sources
typically have softer hides, Rated "A",

While hides from cows living in hot, dry climates
Are typically "D" Hide-Rated.

 

[Luckyus]

I couldn't sleep last night, and then it dawned on me

 

[Luckyus]

My pal’s wife came home with four cases of beer,
three boxes of wine, two bottles of whisky
and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" he asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?

 

[Luckyus]

My wife said that I act like a detective too much
and that she wants us to split up.

I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

 

[Luckyus]

If your are having trouble sleeping,
lie closer to the edge of the bed...
you'll soon drop off.....

 

[Luckyus]

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people on this forum will find this funny.