The best 21 jokes of 2021, submitted by our members
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The best 21 jokes of 2021, submitted by our members
You lot know we will be the first to admit that the past two years have been challenging for everyone. Then to add to that, the period between Christmas and New Year can either be your favourite time to relax, or the most stressful time of year for you. Whether you’re running around like a headless chicken trying to see all your family and friends, or you’re spending this time alone, you might just want to take a minute to stop, breathe and have a laugh.
Here at the SDC, we believe that laughter is the best medicine, because let’s be real, you can’t be sad or mad when you’re laughing?! So as the year draws to a close, we want to take a moment to honour the funniest and wittiest members who took time out of their day to share these fantastic (grand)dad and mum jokes with us.
So, if you haven’t guessed it already, we’ve rounded up some of the best jokes our members have submitted to our forum. Now, we wish we could have added them all, but we had to stick to the whole ‘21’ theme, so if you don’t see your joke here don’t worry, post it in the comments below to get everyone laughing even more...
Submitted by member WideBayMike:
A young couple decided to take their six-year-old son to the beach for the day. Not just any beach but a nudist beach. So they go down the beach and find a place to sit, and the young boy asks, "Mummy can I go for a walk along the beach" and Mum says, "Yes, but don't go out of my sight". The little boy wanders off along the beach and comes back several minutes later. "Mummy," he says, "some of the ladies have got bigger boobies than you", and Mum says, "Yes, I know dear but what you should remember is the bigger the boobies, the sillier the lady".
The little boy is happy with this explanation and asks, "Can I go and have a paddle in the water" and Mum says, "Yes, but don't go out too far". So he heads off to the water and comes back several minutes later and states, "Mummy, some of the men have got bigger things than Daddy", and Mum says, "Yes, I know dear but what you need to remember is the bigger the man’s thing, the dumber he is".
The little boy is happy with this explanation and asks, "Can I go and have another paddle" and Mum says, "ok but don't be too long; we are going to have lunch soon". So the boy trots off down the beach; this time, he is only gone a couple of minutes, and he's back. He's in a hurry. He's running. "Mummy, mummy, Daddy's talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets".
Submitted by member Flatestcat:
A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink.
"Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick. "How about a daiquiri?"
The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.
The doctor takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa, that's great. What's your secret?" he said.
"A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." the bartender replied.
The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops.
One night the doctor enters and like clockwork, the bartender goes to make his favourite drink only to realise that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.
The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another.
"Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"
“No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
Submitted by member Wadlingduck:
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop, over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “Dat’s dem.”
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,” says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, “Dis looks like a grand place.”
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, “Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!”
Moments later Seamus arrives.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
“Hi, Paddy, watch dis,” Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!”
But it’s not over yet!
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. “Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting… And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!”
Submitted by member Reste1953:
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well. as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket.Carry the bucket in one hand. Put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says: "let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possible hold you up against the wall and do that?
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
Another one submitted by member Reste1953:
Two blokes are sitting at the bar having a beer.
One is reading a National Geographic when he turns to the other and says, "Did you know that lions have sex up to ten times a day?"
The other bloke stares into his beer and replies, "Yeah, that'd be right. And I've just gone and joined Rotary."
Submitted by member Butch:
What would you call Woolies if it burnt down?
Coles.
Submitted by member MotherGoose:
Two sewing machines are at a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "Hey, aren't you a Singer?"
The other turns and asks, "Why, Ja-no-me?"
Submitted by member Cuddles:
Three nuns died and went up to the pearly gates to get into heaven. St. Peter said, “You must each answer a question first.”
He then asked the first one how did Christ die? She replied by" crucifixion".
“In you go,” he said.
He asked the second one, “How many apostles are there?” She replied, “12”.
“In you go,” he said.
The mother superior was then asked, “What did Eve say to Adam when she first met him?” She replied, “That's a hard one."
“In you go,” St. Peter said.
Another one submitted by member Flatestcat:
Rich man gets in his limo. The rich man notices the chauffeur is not his usual chauffeur and says, “I see that you are not my usual chauffeur."
The chauffeur says he's filling in, as the usual chauffeur called in 'sick' today.
Rich man says, “Oh, that's no good. What's your name?"
"John." says the chauffeur.
Rich man says, “I normally address my chauffeur, by his surname. What is your surname?"
“Darling", says the chauffeur.
Rich man then says, “Drive on John.”
Another one submitted by member Flatestcat (a true joker):
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from*a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly… Com-for-da-bull."
Submitted by member Wendy:
An elderly man in Cork calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Auckland and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own plane-fare."
Submitted by forum member (and freelance employee!) Xe:
I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals!
IM LIVID.
Submitted by member Vinylted:
The King wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."
The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the King continued on his way. However, in a short time torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the King hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
The practice is unbroken to this date.
Another submitted by member Flatestcat!
Big brown bear walks into the Beef & Burgundy Bar and asks for a beer.
Barman (bar person) says, “Sorry, we don't serve beer to big brown bears at the Beef & Burgundy Bar."
Big brown bear beats up barman and again asks for a beer.
Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to big brown bears at the Beef & Burgundy Bar, who beat up barmen."
Bear gets angrier and beats up innocent bystanders - then asks for a beer again.
Barman says, “Sorry, we don't serve beers to big brown bears, at the Beef & Burgundy Bar, who beat up barmen and innocent bystanders."
Bear gets really angry now and takes a bite out of the bar, then asks for a beer, to which the barman says, “Sorry, we don't serve beers to big brown bears, at the Beef & Burgundy Bar, who beat up barmen, innocent bystanders and take drugs.”
“WHAT!” says the bear. “I don't take drugs!”
Barman says “What about the bar bit you ate? (Barbiturate)”
Submitted by member Kathryn60:
A young girl began her army career but was very quickly promoted when the drill sergeant couldn’t handle bawling out her name every parade: “Private Parts!”
Submitted by member Jonaze:
A nun was on her way down to breakfast when she passed another nun in the corridor.
The other nun said, “Well you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”
She continued down the corridor passing another nun who said to her, “Well you got out of the bed on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”
She passed another 8 nuns who all said the same thing.
Ignoring them, she finally made it down to breakfast where the Mother Superior was sitting and said to her, “Don’t tell me I got up out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.”
Mother Superior replied, “Oh I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to ask you why you are wearing the bishop's slippers.”
Submitted by member Beej:
Paddy was walking down a street when he saw his buddy Mick driving a brand new Mercedes.
Mick pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Mick, where’d you get that car?”
“Sue gave it to me,” Mich replied.
“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on you lad, but a new Merc?”
“Well, Paddy, let me tell you what happened… We were driving out on a country road at 6 in the morning, in the middle of nowhere. Sue pulled off and headed into the woods, she parked the car, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Mick, take whatever you want.’ So, I took the car!”
“You’re a smart man!” said Paddy. “Them clothes would never have fitted you.”
Submitted by member Maggie Kendall:
A recently married, middle-aged husband asks his new, beautiful, very sexy, and very young wife (who is casually laid back on the lounge sofa drinking a very large glass of wine whilst watching TV), “What’s for dinner tonight, darling?” to which the young wife replied, “Nothing.”
Her husband very quickly replied by saying, “But we had “nothing” last night!”
To which the young wife replied quite nonchalantly, “Yes I know - I made enough to last two nights.”
Submitted by member Gil:
A homeless man enters a diner.
He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?”
“Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress.
“Sure, that will do.”
The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple of seats down the counter with a big bowl of chilli.
The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten.
Finally, the homeless man asks the cowboy. “Are you going to eat that chilli?”
“Nope, it’s yours if you want it,” says the cowboy.
The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse.
The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says “Yep, the same thing happened to me.”
Submitted by member Bilmc36:
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out she'll kill me!
Submitted by member Marshlad:
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They have the same middle name.
Aren’t all of these jokes just fantastic? We hope these gave you the holiday laughs or at least a smile if you needed one this festive season.
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