Expert debunks eight common sex myths that kill relationships
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Sex is a topic that has been shrouded in mystery and misconceptions for centuries.
From the belief that great sex is all about frequency to the notion that angry sex is the best kind, there are countless myths that have been perpetuated over time.
These misconceptions can not only lead to unrealistic expectations but can also cause unnecessary strain on relationships.
Emily Nagoski, a renowned Sex Educator, has taken it upon herself to debunk these myths in her latest book, Come Together.
She argued that many of the beliefs we hold about sex, especially in long-term relationships, are not only false but can be detrimental to our relationships and sexual satisfaction.
Below are the eight myths about sex and relationships that were debunked:
1. The 'Spark' Myth
One of the most common misconceptions is that sex is always better at the beginning of a relationship, and as time goes on, the 'spark' inevitably fizzles out.
Nagoski argued that this belief is fundamentally flawed.
'Great sex over the long term isn’t about how often you do it or where you do it or with whom or in what positions or how many orgasms you have or even how enthusiastically you anticipate sex, but how much you like the sex you are having,' she said.
2. The 'Angry Sex' Myth
Pop culture often portrays angry sex as passionate and exciting.
'We are often taught that rage and lust are closely linked and maybe even belong together,' Nagoski said.
'It’s a lie.'
Nagoski said that rage and lust should never co-exist in a healthy, functional long-term sexual connection.
Instead, she advocated for playful sex, which is much better for all parties involved.
3. The 'Spontaneous Sex' Myth
The belief that great sex should be spontaneous and borne out of mutual horniness is another myth that Nagoski debunked.
She suggested that 'responsive desire', which often shows up as scheduled sex, is where couples hit the jackpot.
'Here you plan ahead, prepare, groom, get a babysitter, and then you show up. You put your body in the bed, you let your skin touch your partner’s skin, and your body wakes up,' she explained.
'Responsive desire. Not “passion”, not “spark”, but pleasure, trust, and mutuality. That’s the fundamental empirical reason to centre pleasure over spark.'
4. The 'Frequency' Myth
Contrary to popular belief, Nagoski claimed that there is very little relationship between the frequency of sex and sexual or relationship satisfaction.
She emphasised that the focus should be on the quality of the sexual experience rather than the quantity.
Nagoski also normalised dry spells as she has experienced it herself.
5. The 'Novelty and Adventure' Myth
While trying new things can be exciting, Nagoski shared that novelty and adventure do not define great sex in long-term relationships.
In fact, she claimed that one sexual behaviour that predicts sex and relationship satisfaction better than any other is cuddling after sex.
6. The 'Vibrator Addiction' Myth
Contrary to the belief that you can get addicted to a vibrator, Nagoski argued that this is not true.
However, she does caution that using a vibrator can reset your expectations when you're with a human, leading to frustration that it's 'taking too long'.
7. The 'Attractiveness' Myth
The belief that more attractive people have better sex is another myth that Nagoski debunked.
'People think it’s attractiveness, being conventionally good-looking, or it’s having a perfect body.'
She argued that having these qualities does not determine the quality of your sex life.
'The reality is your body is lovable right now, and your health can’t be measured on a scale. You were lied to. And the changes we experience with age are the fascinating prize we win for being lucky enough to grow older.'
8. The 'Skills' Myth
Finally, Nagoski debunked the myth that being a 'skilled' lover is essential for great sex.
She claimed that the only 'skill' you need is the ability to pay attention to your partner and to your own internal experience at the same time.
That, and communication.
And when communication fails, she suggested turning to play.
'Even in my relationship with genuinely superb communication, we can’t always reach each other,' Nagoski shared.
'But there’s something we always do right: We can laugh at us.'
What are your thoughts on these debunked myths? Have you held any of these misconceptions? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
From the belief that great sex is all about frequency to the notion that angry sex is the best kind, there are countless myths that have been perpetuated over time.
These misconceptions can not only lead to unrealistic expectations but can also cause unnecessary strain on relationships.
Emily Nagoski, a renowned Sex Educator, has taken it upon herself to debunk these myths in her latest book, Come Together.
She argued that many of the beliefs we hold about sex, especially in long-term relationships, are not only false but can be detrimental to our relationships and sexual satisfaction.
Below are the eight myths about sex and relationships that were debunked:
An expert has debunked eight common myths about sex and relationships. Image source: Freepik.
1. The 'Spark' Myth
One of the most common misconceptions is that sex is always better at the beginning of a relationship, and as time goes on, the 'spark' inevitably fizzles out.
Nagoski argued that this belief is fundamentally flawed.
'Great sex over the long term isn’t about how often you do it or where you do it or with whom or in what positions or how many orgasms you have or even how enthusiastically you anticipate sex, but how much you like the sex you are having,' she said.
2. The 'Angry Sex' Myth
Pop culture often portrays angry sex as passionate and exciting.
'We are often taught that rage and lust are closely linked and maybe even belong together,' Nagoski said.
'It’s a lie.'
Nagoski said that rage and lust should never co-exist in a healthy, functional long-term sexual connection.
Instead, she advocated for playful sex, which is much better for all parties involved.
3. The 'Spontaneous Sex' Myth
The belief that great sex should be spontaneous and borne out of mutual horniness is another myth that Nagoski debunked.
She suggested that 'responsive desire', which often shows up as scheduled sex, is where couples hit the jackpot.
'Here you plan ahead, prepare, groom, get a babysitter, and then you show up. You put your body in the bed, you let your skin touch your partner’s skin, and your body wakes up,' she explained.
'Responsive desire. Not “passion”, not “spark”, but pleasure, trust, and mutuality. That’s the fundamental empirical reason to centre pleasure over spark.'
4. The 'Frequency' Myth
Contrary to popular belief, Nagoski claimed that there is very little relationship between the frequency of sex and sexual or relationship satisfaction.
She emphasised that the focus should be on the quality of the sexual experience rather than the quantity.
Nagoski also normalised dry spells as she has experienced it herself.
5. The 'Novelty and Adventure' Myth
While trying new things can be exciting, Nagoski shared that novelty and adventure do not define great sex in long-term relationships.
In fact, she claimed that one sexual behaviour that predicts sex and relationship satisfaction better than any other is cuddling after sex.
6. The 'Vibrator Addiction' Myth
Contrary to the belief that you can get addicted to a vibrator, Nagoski argued that this is not true.
However, she does caution that using a vibrator can reset your expectations when you're with a human, leading to frustration that it's 'taking too long'.
7. The 'Attractiveness' Myth
The belief that more attractive people have better sex is another myth that Nagoski debunked.
'People think it’s attractiveness, being conventionally good-looking, or it’s having a perfect body.'
She argued that having these qualities does not determine the quality of your sex life.
'The reality is your body is lovable right now, and your health can’t be measured on a scale. You were lied to. And the changes we experience with age are the fascinating prize we win for being lucky enough to grow older.'
8. The 'Skills' Myth
Finally, Nagoski debunked the myth that being a 'skilled' lover is essential for great sex.
She claimed that the only 'skill' you need is the ability to pay attention to your partner and to your own internal experience at the same time.
That, and communication.
And when communication fails, she suggested turning to play.
'Even in my relationship with genuinely superb communication, we can’t always reach each other,' Nagoski shared.
'But there’s something we always do right: We can laugh at us.'
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