[Luckyus]

"It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between
The words “antidote” and “anecdote,”
One of my best friends would still be alive."

 

[Luckyus]

What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."

 

[Luckyus]

"I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes.
Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t
Go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section."

 

[Luckyus]

"The bloke who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family."

 

[Luckyus]

"They laughed at my crayon drawing.

I laughed at their chalk outline."

 

[Luckyus]

"I made a website for orphans.
It doesn’t have a home page."

 

[Luckyus]

"Today was the worst day of my life.
My ex got hit by a school bus,
And I lost my job as a bus driver."

 

[Luckyus]

Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash
Is another man’s treasure”?

Wonderful saying, horrible way to
Find out that you were adopted.

 

[Luckyus]

What’s the difference between a
Lamborghini and a dead body?

"I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage."

 

[Luckyus]

"I love telling jokes about orphans.
What are they going to do, tell their parents?"

 

[Luckyus]

"When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree,
I don't find it cute or romantic.
I find it weird how many people
Take knives with them on outings."

 

[Luckyus]

"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date.
"That's so sweet," she replies.
"I like a man who loves animals.
Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.

 

[Luckyus]

Why are friends a lot like snow?

If you piss on them, they disappear.

 

[Luckyus]

"I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog."

 

[Luckyus]

Why did the old man fall into the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

 

[Luckyus]

Want to know how you make
Any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

 

[Luckyus]

"I thought opening a door for a lady
Was good manners, but she just
Screamed and flew out of the plane."

 

[Luckyus]

Never break someone's heart,
They only have one of those.
Break their bones instead,
They have 206 of them

 

[Luckyus]

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
Nice to see so many new faces.

 

[Luckyus]

"My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support."