[Luckyus]

CPR​

"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed
“Does anyone know CPR?”
I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet”
And we all laughed and laughed.
Well, except for one person."

 

[Luckyus]

If you were born in September,
it's pretty safe to assume
that your parents started
their new year with a bang.

 

[Luckyus]

"I visited my new friend in his apartment.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."

 

[Luckyus]

"My girlfriend dumped me,
So I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?"

 

[Luckyus]

"As I get older,
I remember all the people
I lost along the way.
Maybe my budding career as
A tour guide was not the right choice."

 

[Luckyus]

Wife: “I want another baby.”

Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”

 

[Luckyus]

Why are cigarettes good for the environment?

They kill people.

 

[Luckyus]

A man walks into an enchanted forest
And tries to cut down a talking tree.
"You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims,
"I'm a talking tree!"
The man responds,
"You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

 

[Luckyus]

"I'll never forget my Grandfather’s
last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?""

 

[Luckyus]

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves you and never comes back.

 

[Luckyus]

Option 1: Let’s eat grandma.

Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma.

There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.

 

[Luckyus]

Priest: “Do you have any last requests?”

Murderer sitting in the electric chair:
“Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”

 

[Luckyus]

Why does a mermaid wear seashells?

Because she outgrew her B-shells

 

[Luckyus]

Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”

Doctor: “To the morgue.”

Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”

Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”

 

[Luckyus]

Always remember
You’re not completely useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.

 

[Luckyus]

For Sale: Parachute.
Used once, never opened,
Small stain.

 

[Luckyus]

"I bought my blind friend
A cheese grater for his birthday.
He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read."

 

[Luckyus]

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

 

[Luckyus]

My girlfriend’s dog died,
So I bought her another, identical one.
She just screamed at me and said:
“What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

 

[Luckyus]

"I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette.
It went in one ear and out the other."