[Athena E.]

AIBU 18.11.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/bigpawsOH:

Am I being unreasonable for telling my husband I’m done with his 'help' around the house?

'My husband and I have been together for eight years and married for five. We both work full-time, so we’ve always split household chores. But here’s the thing: his version of “helping” is a nightmare.'

'For example, I’ll ask him to “help” with laundry. He’ll agree, but instead of sorting things like delicates or checking pockets, he just throws everything into the washer on one setting. This has ruined clothes and stained things beyond repair. Same thing happens in the kitchen. He “helps” by making a mess while cooking, but he leaves everything piled up in the sink, and somehow manages to dirty every dish and pan.'

'I’ve tried teaching him, suggesting easier ways, even leaving little checklists, but he always says he “knows what he’s doing” and dismisses my advice. I end up spending double the time either fixing what he did or doing things over from scratch. And whenever I bring it up, he says he’s “trying his best” or accuses me of being too picky and controlling.'

'This came to a head recently when he “helped” me by cleaning up our living room right before my friends came over. I thought he’d done a great job—until one of my friends found my pills in the drawer because he decided to “tidy” by throwing everything into random places. I was embarrassed, but when I told him, he laughed it off.'

'So, last night I told him I’m done with his “help” and would rather just do everything myself if he’s not willing to do things properly. He got upset, saying he’s just trying to make things easier for me and now I’m “criticising him for helping.” Now he’s barely speaking to me, and I’m feeling conflicted.'

'Am I being unreasonable for telling my husband to stop “helping” if he can’t do things right?'

 

[Mummanew]

Sounds to me like his plan worked!

 

[Penny4]

If he's upset about it, perhaps he needs more 'challenging jobs' ie. scrub the shower and do the vacuuming. No advice needed. These jobs will be glaringly obvious if done carelessly. He'll see it everytime he showers or looks at the floor.

 

[Witty]

Let him "help" with all the jobs that you don't like doing. Wash the floors, vacuuming, unloading the dishwasher. Peel the vegetables for you. Set the table. Help you change the sheets and make the bed. Hang the laundry out - after you have done the wash. . Mow the lawns, sweep the paths, take the rubbish out. Try separate laundry baskets to sort the washing and tell him to put whichever one on to wash. There are so many things that he CAN do without you getting upset. My husband cannot stack dishes in the sink- he doesn't think it is necessary. Solution - he does all the dishes and I don't get stressed. He always left toothpaste in the sink - solution - I changed to a mint toothpaste and he can actually see it - problem solved. If he cant turn laundry out the right way before it is washed - that's how it stays and I dont iron anything not the right side out. It is not worth getting too stressed over all these things and we have been married over 50 years. Put you relationship first. Minor things are not worth arguing about. Work out what he CAN do. Best of luck

 

[richmich.4422@gmail]

Sounds like the old cliche's not quite working out, i.e. 'Happy Wife, Happy Life'.

NOVEZAR.

 

[Towing]

Let him "help" with all the jobs that you don't like doing. Wash the floors, vacuuming, unloading the dishwasher. Peel the vegetables for you. Set the table. Help you change the sheets and make the bed. Hang the laundry out - after you have done the wash. . Mow the lawns, sweep the paths, take the rubbish out. Try separate laundry baskets to sort the washing and tell him to put whichever one on to wash. There are so many things that he CAN do without you getting upset. My husband cannot stack dishes in the sink- he doesn't think it is necessary. Solution - he does all the dishes and I don't get stressed. He always left toothpaste in the sink - solution - I changed to a mint toothpaste and he can actually see it - problem solved. If he cant turn laundry out the right way before it is washed - that's how it stays and I dont iron anything not the right side out. It is not worth getting too stressed over all these things and we have been married over 50 years. Put you relationship first. Minor things are not worth arguing about. Work out what he CAN do. Best of luck

 

[Towing]

Have you seen how some guys hang the washing? Mind you there was a shortage of pegs. Trouble is the kids learnt to hang washing out the same way. I know one guy who does most things in the house including a lot of cooking......except the cleaning.

 

[MarieT]

Just say “thank you dear” and do it yourself when he is out of the way! He won’t notice!

 

[Defiant540]

why are there two posts exactly the same??

 

[MariaG]

It took me ages get my hubby and 2 boys to use the laundry chute.
How did the problem get solved. I refused to wash anything that was not sent down the chute. Eventually, they got the message and their lazy chute style ceased to exist.
The hubby in this story is a genius at getting out of work. The wife is on the path to being a housework slave, big time.
I will say that when we were first married, we were both working and neither of us in any way lazy. So, I said I wanted to look after the inside of the house, and he said he would be more than happy to look after the exterior maintenance and upkeep of the garden. Worked for me and he did a great job keeping everything in good working order and well maintained.
Now, it is a different story with teenage sons. One day I came home after a long stint at work and without an hello, I was asked what's for dinner and how long will it be because I'm hungry. That was the day that my lads got their first lesson in prepping food in readiness for dinner. My reasoning for that was, if you chip in, you will eat earlier. As it turned out, our oldest discovered a liking for taking a turn in the kitchen.
The trap that many home makers fall into is their assumption that the only way to see things done properly is to do it themselves. This can verge on to becoming a housework victim, and, the recipients of the phrase, give it to me...I'll do it, will be more than happy to hand it over.
There is nothing wrong with working together, and, in figuring out where our strengths lie.
I've been married 44 years and have never had to dry the dishes if hubby was home. He's a keeper.

 

[Noon]

No you're not, especially putting all the washing in together, no way, it needs to be sorted. If they wash up they do it higgily piggilly instead of glasses first they'll do the dinner plates, yuk. No, I'd rather do it all myself, even vacuuming they don't shift everything.

 

[IAN3005]

Happy life..... NO wife.....the thought disturbs me. Prefer to be left alone and do things the way I want, when I want....

 

[Loz04]

Sounds to me like his plan worked!

yeah, that's what my husband would do, ultimately they win by not doing anything around the house.

 

[DLHM]

Perhaps the wife delivered her dissatisfaction in an offensive way. Did she calmly explain why she didn’t appreciate his help?

We don’t know if the husband is just overly sensitive to criticism or if the wife was overly insensitive to his ways of trying to help.

 

[Littleboy8]

why are there two posts exactly the same??

Maybe towing is witty’s Parrot