[Athena E.]

AIBU 14.10.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/Feeling_Blessed_4eve:

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to drop my ex-husband’s last name?

'I (56F) divorced my husband two years ago after 26 years of marriage. We have four kids, and the split was amicable. He came out as gay, and we mutually agreed to part ways. Changing my name wasn’t a priority—updating IDs, legal documents, and bank accounts would be a huge hassle. I still use his last name on official documents but go by my maiden name socially.'

'Recently, he got engaged to a wonderful bloke. I’ve been supportive of their relationship, but during my grandson’s birthday party, my ex suddenly asked if I’d consider dropping his last name. His fiancé chimed in, saying it makes him uncomfortable that I still use it. I was caught off guard and awkwardly joked that unless they want to spend hours in lines at various government offices, I wasn’t going to change it. My ex didn’t laugh. He insisted it’s about starting a new chapter and wants me to “move on.”'

'The whole situation felt bizarre. For two years, it’s never been an issue, and now they’re ganging up on me? After the party, my ex called and argued that keeping his name makes it hard for his fiancé to feel like they’re starting a fresh life. I countered that our kids still use the same name, and it would feel strange for me to be the odd one out.'

'What really hurt was learning from my youngest son that his fiancé feels threatened by my name, assuming I’m clinging to some claim on my ex. I’ve made it clear I have zero interest in rekindling anything, but it feels like I’m being pressured to erase a part of my identity. My ex admitted his fiancé is uncomfortable because he sees me keeping the name as a “power play.”'

'I feel like I’m caught between trying to keep peace and being forced into something just because his fiancé is insecure. They want me to go through the hassle of changing everything for their comfort. I told my ex that I’ll consider it later—maybe after they’re married and settled. But now, he’s furious, saying I’m being petty and selfish.'

'My friends think I should stand my ground, but my kids are divided—one thinks I should just give in to keep the peace, while the other agrees that it’s ridiculous to change it just because his fiancé feels insecure.'

'I’m frustrated. I don’t see why a name on some legal documents is such a big deal, but they’re making me feel like the villain. So, am I unreasonable for refusing to drop my ex-husband’s last name even though he’s getting remarried?'

 

[Smithsd]

I do not know about knowadays, but 42 years ago, my solicitor advised me to keep my ex-husbands name as my professional name as it would cost several thousand dollars to change my university academic transcripts back to my maiden name. He also stated that as my married name was the name I was identified as within my community, it would cause less confusion if I kept it. I subsequently remarried, and my new husband had no problems with me retaining my previous married name. On semi official documents we have hyphenated my previous surname and his name. Professionally and in everyday life, I am known by my ex husband's surname. The only person who has been upset by this arrangement is my son from my first marriage. In his opinion, I am being disrespectful to my partner of 40 years by not adopting his surname. The child from the second marriage carries her father's surname.

 

[Veggiepatch]

Should just adopt the Icelandic system of patronymic or matronymic naming, that is, -son or -dottir respectively.

 

[DLHM]

In Spain, when one marries, the surname doesn’t change. Not sure about other countries but one of my daughters is married to a Spaniard, so I know that to be true.

 

[lynstacker]

I kept my ex's surname after our split as it was the name I had been known by for the most time & I did not want the hassle of changing back to my birth name (which I hated). I have no contact with my ex so I can't see the problem. Your name, your choice

 

[Sharonbk]

No you are not being pretty or selfish. It's been your name for a very long time and why should your ex s partner or sons fiance have a day in what name you choose to use. I feel he (exs partner) is the one who is pretty and feeling threatened. Ex should take Paynes name then problem solved, as for to be DIL who is trying to exert get power.. good luck with that lady in the future they is trouble brewing, name change or not

 

[ZannaB]

I changed back to my maiden name after my divorce and it was a relief. However, there are still legal documents in my previous name. Sooo much trouble with some organisations.

 

[Dynamo]

It would be a big task going around changing your name after being known as married name for many years.

 

[oldbushrat]

It is ok so long as you have no fear of using that name. Why get involved in the whole 'hate something/everything thing" in the first place? Spite and revenge are never good bed-fellows.

 

[Gerrit H. Schorel-Hlavka]

When I, decades ago, married Olga Hlavka I had suggested we would hyphenate her late husband's surname (who was my friend) and so we did. Her surname became Hlavka-Schorel and mine Schorel-Hlavka. My wife recently passed away (at 91), but I explained to her before that, I had no intentions to change my surname as I feel honoured to be able to maintain her late husband's name. as part of my hyphenated surname. it actually has have its benefits, as at times I receive emails, etc, that my uncle Schorel-Hlavka has died and I inherited, etc, I then know it is a scam because no one else in the world has my hyphenated surname. In my view, when a woman married and takes the husbands name (with or without being hyphenated) then she should be entitled to continue to use this surname as long as she desires. If there are children, it may be more comfortable for the children to have the same surname as their mother had by marriage. One of my daughters continued to use her former husband for more than 2 decades, but recently changed it (they had no children). My view is that it was up to her what she desired to do. but when she changed her Christian name, I explained it is her right to change that also, but she cannot demand I change to what she desired to change to and continue to use her birth Christian name. I knew a woman who was a widow and well whenever she had a new boyfriend she was changing the children's surname to the new boyfriend. And well, she had several different once a year. Poor Children.

 

[Fat&fancy]

I have kept my ex's surname because I want the same name as my son.

Sounds like his new partner is very insecure, that should be a red flag to your ex.

I would stand my ground.

 

[MariaG]

My sister looked into this when she finally divorced after 15 years of separation.
She decided it was not worth the waste of energy.
She was told, when necessary for important document changes, instead of basic ID, she would need to provide originals, or notarised copies, of birth certificate, wedding certificate, divorce decree, then name change documents.
My feeling is ... it's just a name. Sis doesn't use her surname unless specifically asked. She does not consider her surname as being a validation of who she is. I agree with her.

 

[PepeLePew]

I chose to go back to my maiden name cause it was just easier at the time & my daughter when she was 13 started using my maiden name instead of her birth name as she couldn't see why she had to use it as she hadn't seen her sperm donor in 10yrs.
I do have friends who were married for over 20yrs when their marriages broke up and it was just easier for them to retain their married names as the amount of paper work, rigmarole and hoops they had to jump through was too overwhelming for them.
On the other hand I have friends who never took their husbands names as it was easier to continue using their maiden name than to have to go to all the trouble of changing everything into a married name.

 

[Margaret 9]

I kept my husband's last name after our divorce, we had 3 kids who had his last name and I was always being called "Mrs ####' (his last name) anyway! I don't see what the problem is, and I agree, spending time changing official documents etc is time consuming and invariably you will still be referred to as Mrs. (whatever his last name was!) It's their problem not your's.

 

[Hollingworthlake]

I think you have every reason to want to keep the name you have been using for years and the one your children use. I think your husband is the unreasonable one. It is really tiring having to go through the rounds of documents. I changed(altered) mine and dropped his name off, using my christened name which was the surname of my maternal grandmother. Wasn’t too difficult but I had a job convincing immigration to alter my passport!!!

 

[Luckyus]

I'd be telling his poof mate that you had 26 years of marriage and four kids together. The only thing he'll be getting is a strectched sphincter muscle in his arse.

 

[CAZAC]

I'M DIVORVED AND STILL USE THE NAME TO THE BLOKE I MARRIED. OUR TWO CHILDREN ALSO HAVE HIS SURNAME AND I DONE'T WANT TO CHANGE BACK TO MY MAIDEN NAME. FOR ONE THING THE CHILDREN HAVING HIS SURNAME AND ME HAVING A DIFFERENT NAME SEEMS ODD.

 

[Charlotte59]

My ex and i have been divorced since 1994/95, i still go by that surname because to be quite honest, i can't stand the thought of the hassle of changing everything over, i:e bank accounts, license etc, plus there would be costs involved as well and as a pensioner, it's an added cost that i can ill afford. You chose to keep his surname and if it is a problem for them then they are obviously the ones that are feeling threatened by it, which in turn says to me that they really aren't happy after all.

 

[Kevin. A.]

It is their insecurity not yours. If there is such insecurity in you keeping his name, then I think they really need to rethink their future plans. Although I would have thought you would go back to your maiden name to finalize the divorce and go your separate ways. However, the choice is yours. I think most people do go back to using their maiden name.

 

[Bridgit]

Sometimes you can`t win. I kept my ex`s surname until I remarried. My ex Inlaws didn`t have a problem with it., neither my ex Husband.

Same here - I remarried 23 years after we split and then I changed everything.

 

[BellaB18]

M daughter could not drop he married name quick enough after she left her ex husband. My mother kept her married name until she remarried, no issues.
Yes it would be a nuisance changing back to your maiden name. But maybe for the best. Let your ex move on with his life and you move on with yours.
Good luck.
Kind regards Vicki