[Athena E.]

AIBU 14.10.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/Feeling_Blessed_4eve:

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to drop my ex-husband’s last name?

'I (56F) divorced my husband two years ago after 26 years of marriage. We have four kids, and the split was amicable. He came out as gay, and we mutually agreed to part ways. Changing my name wasn’t a priority—updating IDs, legal documents, and bank accounts would be a huge hassle. I still use his last name on official documents but go by my maiden name socially.'

'Recently, he got engaged to a wonderful bloke. I’ve been supportive of their relationship, but during my grandson’s birthday party, my ex suddenly asked if I’d consider dropping his last name. His fiancé chimed in, saying it makes him uncomfortable that I still use it. I was caught off guard and awkwardly joked that unless they want to spend hours in lines at various government offices, I wasn’t going to change it. My ex didn’t laugh. He insisted it’s about starting a new chapter and wants me to “move on.”'

'The whole situation felt bizarre. For two years, it’s never been an issue, and now they’re ganging up on me? After the party, my ex called and argued that keeping his name makes it hard for his fiancé to feel like they’re starting a fresh life. I countered that our kids still use the same name, and it would feel strange for me to be the odd one out.'

'What really hurt was learning from my youngest son that his fiancé feels threatened by my name, assuming I’m clinging to some claim on my ex. I’ve made it clear I have zero interest in rekindling anything, but it feels like I’m being pressured to erase a part of my identity. My ex admitted his fiancé is uncomfortable because he sees me keeping the name as a “power play.”'

'I feel like I’m caught between trying to keep peace and being forced into something just because his fiancé is insecure. They want me to go through the hassle of changing everything for their comfort. I told my ex that I’ll consider it later—maybe after they’re married and settled. But now, he’s furious, saying I’m being petty and selfish.'

'My friends think I should stand my ground, but my kids are divided—one thinks I should just give in to keep the peace, while the other agrees that it’s ridiculous to change it just because his fiancé feels insecure.'

'I’m frustrated. I don’t see why a name on some legal documents is such a big deal, but they’re making me feel like the villain. So, am I unreasonable for refusing to drop my ex-husband’s last name even though he’s getting remarried?'

 

[Aussie all the Way]

What is the matter with people it is a name, doesn't change the person. I kept my married name after my divorce, I didn't give it a thought and neither did my ex. When I got remarried I had to go through all the BS of changing everything then it is such a pain in the arse, so why bother.

 

[novezar]

I divorced my husband and changed my name back to my maiden name and he said to me wasn’t my name good enough for me so I changed it back to his name again

That was a "DILLY" thing to do. All he is doing is keeping power over you.

 

[novezar]

When I was married any mail was addressed to Mr & Mrs E J Barnes never by my first name. When I got divorced in 2001 the lawyer said legally while I was married I was Mrs E J Barnes. Once I was divorced I was legally Mrs L J Barnes. I always did feel angry about it as though I was the property of my husband.

Nothing at all could have stopped you from changing your name back to your maiden name. Many thousands of others have.

 

[Towing]

Ask your children if they are willing to change their name to your maiden name? If they say they were born with that name advise them you were the one who actually birthed them so it is more appropriate for them to have the same name as their birth mother. It would be interesting to hear their comments then. If your ex-husbands fiance feels uncomfortable with you having the same Surname then he does not trust his partner to stay with him. What else will your ex-husbands partner request in the future. Love is more than a Surname.

Ask him to pay the cost of changing your name on the documents. Some are not free even if you show your divorce documents. I think there will be fees to register a change of name for them too. Does he want theirs changed? Is the father paying child support? (you never know! you might be entitled to more) What does your Ex truthfully think about it. Re the children their school/s will have to be notified if their name is legally changed.