[Athena E.]

AIBU 14.10.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/Feeling_Blessed_4eve:

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to drop my ex-husband’s last name?

'I (56F) divorced my husband two years ago after 26 years of marriage. We have four kids, and the split was amicable. He came out as gay, and we mutually agreed to part ways. Changing my name wasn’t a priority—updating IDs, legal documents, and bank accounts would be a huge hassle. I still use his last name on official documents but go by my maiden name socially.'

'Recently, he got engaged to a wonderful bloke. I’ve been supportive of their relationship, but during my grandson’s birthday party, my ex suddenly asked if I’d consider dropping his last name. His fiancé chimed in, saying it makes him uncomfortable that I still use it. I was caught off guard and awkwardly joked that unless they want to spend hours in lines at various government offices, I wasn’t going to change it. My ex didn’t laugh. He insisted it’s about starting a new chapter and wants me to “move on.”'

'The whole situation felt bizarre. For two years, it’s never been an issue, and now they’re ganging up on me? After the party, my ex called and argued that keeping his name makes it hard for his fiancé to feel like they’re starting a fresh life. I countered that our kids still use the same name, and it would feel strange for me to be the odd one out.'

'What really hurt was learning from my youngest son that his fiancé feels threatened by my name, assuming I’m clinging to some claim on my ex. I’ve made it clear I have zero interest in rekindling anything, but it feels like I’m being pressured to erase a part of my identity. My ex admitted his fiancé is uncomfortable because he sees me keeping the name as a “power play.”'

'I feel like I’m caught between trying to keep peace and being forced into something just because his fiancé is insecure. They want me to go through the hassle of changing everything for their comfort. I told my ex that I’ll consider it later—maybe after they’re married and settled. But now, he’s furious, saying I’m being petty and selfish.'

'My friends think I should stand my ground, but my kids are divided—one thinks I should just give in to keep the peace, while the other agrees that it’s ridiculous to change it just because his fiancé feels insecure.'

'I’m frustrated. I don’t see why a name on some legal documents is such a big deal, but they’re making me feel like the villain. So, am I unreasonable for refusing to drop my ex-husband’s last name even though he’s getting remarried?'

 

[Judy cooney]

I divorced my husband and changed my name back to my maiden name and he said to me wasn’t my name good enough for me so I changed it back to his name again

 

[what]

I kept my ex husband's last name, the name is on a lot of paperwork, licence, everything legal,which would all have to be changed and no doubt require thousands of bits of paper proving who I am. Also I still wanted the same name as my son.

 

[natalielocket]

I divorced my husband and changed my name back to my maiden name and he said to me wasn’t my name good enough for me so I changed it back to his name again

Sometimes you can`t win. I kept my ex`s surname until I remarried. My ex Inlaws didn`t have a problem with it., neither my ex Husband.

 

[Trina G]

Yes changing your name is a pain. We should be like the Asians and just keep the name you are born with. You could still call yourself Mrs (husbands name) socially if you wish but continue to use your maiden name for all the different documents. So much easier.

 

[Gsr]

If you don’t want to go through all the hassle of changing your name back you should just tell them to go eat a spoonful of cement and harden up. you should suggest if the new fiancé is insecure about you still keeping the name that maybe your husband should change his name to the fiancés name. Problem solved. Or maybe the new fiancé should just keep his own name. Why should you be the one inconvienced by your ex wanting to remarry.

 

[Chrissiemac]

I kept my former husbands name because I did not want to have a dissimilar name to our children, whom I had principal care for. If I see a family and everyone has different names, I wonder. Perhaps I am showing my age but this is how I was raised - family unity even under trying circumstances.

 

[BlackWolf]

maybe if they paid for time and money it takes to do all this

 

[lobar]

When I was married any mail was addressed to Mr & Mrs E J Barnes never by my first name. When I got divorced in 2001 the lawyer said legally while I was married I was Mrs E J Barnes. Once I was divorced I was legally Mrs L J Barnes. I always did feel angry about it as though I was the property of my husband.

 

[MIZMAC]

My son and his ex both had the same surname. She kept it until she remarried. Their son kept the surname although his siblings all have her new surname that of their father,

 

[Bor!a2911]

Why is it important for you to keep your former husband's name? Methinks you are now being petty, maybe vindictive. You say your married life is over (& physically it is) but deep down, for you, is it? Perhaps not. I reverted back to my Family of Origin name after my divorce (40+ years ago) and have never regretted doing so: so freeing, so liberating!! By doing so, I became my OWN PERSON once again. So what, your children retain his name? He's their father, after all. My eldest, at nearly 53, has never married, still uses her Family of Origin name and so what?? It is not (or it wasn't) so difficult to revert back: start with your driver's licence and go from there: within 12 months, all done and you be Independently Free to be You.

 

[Marilynne]

When I was married any mail was addressed to Mr & Mrs E J Barnes never by my first name. When I got divorced in 2001 the lawyer said legally while I was married I was Mrs E J Barnes. Once I was divorced I was legally Mrs L J Barnes. I always did feel angry about it as though I was the property of my husband.

Boy, can I relate to this and back in the 70's we were basically property of our husbands, as my then husband kept reminding me - it took 5 years, but I finally had the willpower and strength to leave.

 

[Preemarose]

Ask your children if they are willing to change their name to your maiden name? If they say they were born with that name advise them you were the one who actually birthed them so it is more appropriate for them to have the same name as their birth mother. It would be interesting to hear their comments then. If your ex-husbands fiance feels uncomfortable with you having the same Surname then he does not trust his partner to stay with him. What else will your ex-husbands partner request in the future. Love is more than a Surname.

 

[Preemarose]

Why is it important for you to keep your former husband's name? Methinks you are now being petty, maybe vindictive. You say your married life is over (& physically it is) but deep down, for you, is it? Perhaps not. I reverted back to my Family of Origin name after my divorce (40+ years ago) and have never regretted doing so: so freeing, so liberating!! By doing so, I became my OWN PERSON once again. So what, your children retain his name? He's their father, after all. My eldest, at nearly 53, has never married, still uses her Family of Origin name and so what?? It is not (or it wasn't) so difficult to revert back: start with your driver's licence and go from there: within 12 months, all done and you be Independently Free to be You.

It is nothing to do with being petty but more to do with the problems these days of a change in name. If you are a professional in the work place it makes it even harder. I changed my Surname because my husband comes from an era where woman used their husbands last name. 6 years later and I am still having issues with the change of name. If it only took you 12 months to sort out your name change then you were not connected to many businesses etc.

 

[Sharlei55]

Being recently divorced after 48 years of marriage, I don't intend to revert back to my maiden name, as I have used his last name longer than I have my maiden name, and way too much paperwork to change back

 

[Elisecares]

If it was me in your position I would tell them both to get out of my life & mind their own business. You are divorced from your ex & his new partner has no right to be involved in your life choices.

 

[BigAl6164]

No more unreasonable than taking his surname in the first place! (By law, a woman doesn't have to. He can take hers if that's what the couple decide.) In some instances, though, the newly-divorced woman can't wait to be rid of her ex's moniker. But that's also *her choice*, which is the key to the whole issue, and everyone else needs to attend to their own beeswax [since we're speaking Aussie here].

 

[riskydave]

My last wife chose to divorce me and as far as she was concerned chose to keep using my surname......WRONG.....I told her she wanted the divorve so that is everything, name the lot...tuff if she has to change everything back to her name, not my problem. She was the one out there spreading herself around the town so she as far as I was concerned she can do that in her own name, not mine.

 

[Motherwellkd]

Ask your children if they are willing to change their name to your maiden name? If they say they were born with that name advise them you were the one who actually birthed them so it is more appropriate for them to have the same name as their birth mother. It would be interesting to hear their comments then. If your ex-husbands fiance feels uncomfortable with you having the same Surname then he does not trust his partner to stay with him. What else will your ex-husbands partner request in the future. Love is more than a Surname.

Then the children become burdened.

 

[Jo Piper3]

My Late parents divorced when I was married at 24. My mother never changed her name from my father's surname and I think he was pleased about this but each person should make their own decisions.