[Athena E.]

AIBU 05.08.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/Inevitable_Nature985:

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to help my son and daughter-in-law?

'My son married Sierra, and they live in a different state. Sierra is from a Latin American culture where it is customary that after she gives birth, she will not do any household chores. The family members will go over and do all those chores like cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. She explained this to me, and it happens for a few weeks after the birth.'

'Since she's not close to her family, they asked me to help. My son will be back at work a week and a half after their baby is born.'

'She is supposed to give birth in about a month, and I was talking about the logistics of the whole thing. I asked where I would sleep, and she informed me that I would need to get a hotel. This shocked me since they own a nice home. I felt it was a lot to ask, especially since I'd be using all my personal time off (PTO) and paying for a hotel on top of doing chores. This isn't even my culture.'

'I told Sierra I couldn’t come full time if I had to stay in a hotel but could visit for a weekend. My son then called, angry, saying Sierra was upset and that I was disrespecting her culture and rejecting her from the family. We argued, and he insisted I could afford it, which I can, but I don’t want to spend thousands to be a maid.'

'Am I being unreasonable?'

 

[Larcol]

Definately NO....They are both out of line, expecting you pay for a hotel but expecting you to help them out with a new bub.

 

[JudyPR]

Unless you can stay with them in their home, don't bother going at all!

 

[Dynamo]

The staying in a hotel is so unfair especially when you are expected to do housework too.

 

[jenrobb]

No, they are. How rude of them to expect you to stay in a hotel, and be a maid. Having an extra pair of hands overnight could come in very handy for them

 

[Vikster]

Just tell them it is not your culture to be house maid and at your cost. I would be saying that if you are disrespecting her family well get that family to come so that she can follow the culture.
Don't stress about it anymore if it was not this then there would be something else to bring problems to the relationship with your son. Tell her if she lives in a country that it is not the culture than may she should follow the culture of the country she is now living in. Some people have no shame honestly, don't go just have a short visit to see the baby then leave

 

[helen88]

No you are not help is given not demanded

 

[anouch]

well the thing is,she may have a different culture in her country but she now lives in Australia and unless you are sick after having the baby these things don't happen here,, you look after your own baby,,,,,the son is being unreasonable to expect his Mum to leave her life behind indefinitely to look after their house and not even supply a bed for her,,,kids are so demanding and inconsiderate of parents,,I really get angry when people from overseas decide to live here but still want to carry on with things they did in their country,,,why move to Australia then,,,

 

[Nonikwe]

When you live in another culture , you generally adopt the way of living and bring the best of your own culture to add. In her country most likely families live close together making this easy. In our culture that is often not the case. Explain to your daughter in law that this is the issue and the financial impost as you live further away makes this untenable for you - much as you would like to support her. The other issue is of foisting the drudgery work onto you in.Culture where we do not do that as a way of living and when we are supported we welcome our mother in law/Grandparent to stay and increase the family bond.. My mum lived in Africa and disliked having servants do the work for her, she was so relieved to come to Australia and do her own work - called self reliance. In truth support her in ways that you can and not in ways that ONLY suit her. Stand your ground gently.

 

[AprilMaree]

No you should help if you want to and they should go out of their way for you if you are helping them. And she lives here so she should be adopting our culture. They are both being abusive and rude to you with their demands and that is ridiculous she doesn't do any house work, they should grow up. Don't give in.

 

[Jo Piper3]

Can't the son take more time off work to accommodate this and do the housework himself? Bet he will not be staying in a hotel.

 

[marni]

This is why we have paternity leave. I would say if she likes they can come and stay at your house. If her family come, would they be expected to stay at a hotel??? Is that what is normal in her culture?

 

[electricblanket]

Hard to believe this would be part of any culture......especially expecting you to stay in a hotel. Maybe you can talk to people from that ethnic group and ask if what your son and his wife are expected of you is really part of that culture

 

[Dennis]

I and wife were 10 pound poms and it used to make me laugh when I heard other migrants say to Australians but we do it this way in the UK, I used to think of the saying, When in Rome do as the Romans do, except for odd ones I soon had many Australian friends, best move we ever made.

 

[FrankS]

If your son wants you there as a full time maid, then HE should pay for the hotel !

 

[Rita]

You are not being unreasonable at all. Just tell her straight out that you will visit for a few days, and help her out, but then you must return to your own family. She must realise that not all cultures rally around to help the new mother, and she must do some work herself, or employ a nanny/cleaner.

 

[gayle222]

No way are you being unreasonable. This is her culture not yours,so why not ask her family who know this culture. I know you mentioned she is not close to them but still a big fat no from me. It would be great to have support after giving birth ,my hubby never took time off work and I had no one else to help me after a C section……I just got on with it. I did that twice…yes we are now divorced

 

[PepeLePew]

Wow some children no matter how old they are really do seem to think that they are the entitled generation. Unless there was a medical reason as to why the wife was unable to do the cooking & household chores, there is no way I would be helping out without some sort of compensation. Don't see why her lazy bum of a son can't pull his weight and do his fair share when he gets home from work, isn't this how relationships are supposed to work now.

 

[Sharon1952]

OMG! It seems that the young ones from any culture believe they are so entitled. This is Australia and anyone moving from overseas needs to assimilate to our culture, just as we are expected to do if we live overseas. To expect you to turn your life upside down to help them and also pay for accommodation whilst doing so is unbelievable!!

 

[siahwaninn64]

You aren’t unreasonable. They are expecting too much from you. It’s their responsibility if they want a child. Probably better off they get a cleaner to do all the household chores. On top of that they ask you to put in a hotel. This is ridiculous! She probably should get her family to help her. You can help but is isn’t a full time job. Its ok to say NO.