[Athena E.]

AIBU 05.08.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/Inevitable_Nature985:

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to help my son and daughter-in-law?

'My son married Sierra, and they live in a different state. Sierra is from a Latin American culture where it is customary that after she gives birth, she will not do any household chores. The family members will go over and do all those chores like cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. She explained this to me, and it happens for a few weeks after the birth.'

'Since she's not close to her family, they asked me to help. My son will be back at work a week and a half after their baby is born.'

'She is supposed to give birth in about a month, and I was talking about the logistics of the whole thing. I asked where I would sleep, and she informed me that I would need to get a hotel. This shocked me since they own a nice home. I felt it was a lot to ask, especially since I'd be using all my personal time off (PTO) and paying for a hotel on top of doing chores. This isn't even my culture.'

'I told Sierra I couldn’t come full time if I had to stay in a hotel but could visit for a weekend. My son then called, angry, saying Sierra was upset and that I was disrespecting her culture and rejecting her from the family. We argued, and he insisted I could afford it, which I can, but I don’t want to spend thousands to be a maid.'

'Am I being unreasonable?'

 

[MariaG]

Your son needs to pull his head in, and, pull his own weight,
It's not so much what the daughter in law expects, but more about the way your son is handling things.
It's wonderful to have some involvement with a new grandchild, but here in Oz, we have a common belief in an even playing field. This is what I see as a cultural clash, and, it would be a shame if you miss out on grandma time down the track because of it.
The more I think about this, I feel it is less about you, and more about your daughter in law being miserable because none of her family can be there. This is where your son comes in. He must step up and help her understand that is is different here. Shame one of her family can't be flown over for a visit.
I feel a conversation with your son is the only way this can be resolved. He is about to become a dad. Time to take the reins and work on his communication skills.

 

[kerrikennel]

Eerrr..NO! I did this for my daughter after her first, but for a week and I lived nearby so travelled over every morning. But if I had moved there to help, she definitely would've supplied a bed!!!

 

[kdzimm]

If your son wants you there as a full time maid, then HE should pay for the hotel !

And pay you wages if he expects you to be his maid. Hiring nannies requires those people getting paid as well as having accommodation, food etc paid for them - plus they have allocated hours to work and get days off. If her family are so devoted to this decision - your son should get them to come from wherever they are.

 

[Dreams]

No

What a cheek. How lazy is this woman that she can’t look after her own child and do whatever needs to be done around the house.
The son expecting you to do this is outrageous.

You aren’t unreasonable. They are expecting too much from you. It’s their responsibility if they want a child. Probably better off they get a cleaner to do all the household chores. On top of that they ask you to put in a hotel. This is ridiculous! She probably should get her family to help her. You can help but is isn’t a full time job. Its ok to say NO.

 

[Dreams]

NO.
How lazy is this woman.
Fancy expecting the grandmother to do all the work.
I would be ashamed of my son if he expected this.

 

[Jest]

certainly not. tell your son this is australia and his wife has to learn the rules. I can't believe what happens in some lives. i am so glad i am not a wimp.

 

[Jest]

When you live in another culture , you generally adopt the way of living and bring the best of your own culture to add. In her country most likely families live close together making this easy. In our culture that is often not the case. Explain to your daughter in law that this is the issue and the financial impost as you live further away makes this untenable for you - much as you would like to support her. The other issue is of foisting the drudgery work onto you in.Culture where we do not do that as a way of living and when we are supported we welcome our mother in law/Grandparent to stay and increase the family bond.. My mum lived in Africa and disliked having servants do the work for her, she was so relieved to come to Australia and do her own work - called self reliance. In truth support her in ways that you can and not in ways that ONLY suit her. Stand your ground gently.

if this was me i would not be lying. why should she explain issues? no way jose.

 

[BellaB18]

No you are not being unreasonable at all. Your daughter in-law has a different culture to you. She must understand this is not your culture. And respect that so should your son. Also you are working and should not be expected to take time off to go to your son and daughter in-laws home to be a maid. If you wanted to help them out you could have offered. Would you like me to come and stay for a weekend or week to help after your son returns to work. My thoughts are you would like to start a family it's up to the parents to bring up their children and run the home work etc. Lets be honest didn't we all have to stand on our own feet.
Maybe your daughter in-law will have to live by her husbands culture.
I do wish them all the best with their new baby. I truly hope you get to enjoy your new grandchild on your terms.
Kind regards Vicki

 

[Ezzy]

You are not being unreasonable at all. As members have already stated, she is living in Australia now, our traditions are very different to what she may have benn accustomed to, but she should now change. Your son is very unreasonable for trying to enforce this upon you. She should be asking her family to come here for the period of time this situation exists.

My other thought is that she would want someone of her own nationality doing these chores for her, someone who is aware of her traditions, foods to cook etc., etc.

 

[Luckyus]

I'd have a two word answer to them, the second of which would be OFF, while the first wouldn't be PISS?

 

[gamiry]

good time to say FFFFFFFFFFFF OOOOFFFFFFFFFFFF. Tell them to go live in her country. I am so sick of these demanding kids who believe they are the only ones than matter.

 

[marinedeepblue]

I would ask Sierra to respect YOUR CULTURE!!

 

[Kevin. A.]

I think it is unreasonable that they are asking you to foot the bill for staying in a hotel instead of their home, while you are then required to do all of the household choirs. I do not care what the cultural norms are. This is selfish of them both to expect you or anyone else to endure added expenses for a hotel stay and help them out.

 

[Noah18]

No not at all if she wants your help they should at least put you up
or get a home help in to help her