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"It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between
The words “antidote” and “anecdote,”
One of my best friends would still be alive."
 
What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."
 
"I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes.
Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t
Go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section."
 
"The bloke who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family."
 
"They laughed at my crayon drawing.

I laughed at their chalk outline."
 
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"I made a website for orphans.
It doesn’t have a home page."
 
"Today was the worst day of my life.
My ex got hit by a school bus,
And I lost my job as a bus driver."
 
Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash
Is another man’s treasure”?

Wonderful saying, horrible way to
Find out that you were adopted.
 
What’s the difference between a
Lamborghini and a dead body?

"I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage."
 
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"I love telling jokes about orphans.
What are they going to do, tell their parents?"
 
"When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree,
I don't find it cute or romantic.
I find it weird how many people
Take knives with them on outings."
 
"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date.
"That's so sweet," she replies.
"I like a man who loves animals.
Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.
 
Why are friends a lot like snow?

If you piss on them, they disappear.
 
"I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog."
 
Why did the old man fall into the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.
 
Want to know how you make
Any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.
 
"I thought opening a door for a lady
Was good manners, but she just
Screamed and flew out of the plane."
 
Never break someone's heart,
They only have one of those.
Break their bones instead,
They have 206 of them
 
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
Nice to see so many new faces.
 
"My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support."
 
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