[Danielle F.]

Family expectations: Is this fair game or frustrating double standards?​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/fullmoon_123:

'My brother and I are 3 years apart, he is older. Both of us work, in a relationship, and live away from home, so we are on pretty equal footing.

The thing is is that I help out my mum a lot when it comes to cooking and cleaning the kitchen afterwards when we have lunches or dinners together. I'm always more than happy to help out, I like cooking, of course but it's the fact that I feel like I should because they are my parents and I should help them.'

'My brother, well he literally does nothing when we do these meals together. He comes, does a bit of talking with mum and dad, then sits on the couch until the meal is ready. He might help bring dishes to and from the kitchen if he is prompted by my SIL but that barely happens. Last week we got back from a week holiday all together, where brother sat and worked (when I say work, he was working on his schedule for this coming year, he did not have any pending work for his actual job) on his tablet. Literally no help AT ALL. He saw us carrying stuff around, prepping the meals, chopping stuff and just stood there.

His reaction when it is ever brought up in any kind of way is to laugh it off and make a joke and so no one ever takes it seriously.

And my mum especially annoys me because she doesn't ever tell him to move his ass and help out. Like very rarely have I ever heard her tell him to help out.'

'But when it comes to me, immediately once I get to my parents' house she tells me "I need you to do X, Y, Z now". "Help me prep this dish", "Go set the table, clean those dishes, clear the balcony". To a point it's fine, because like I said, I don't need to be told to help out, I just do. So many times, I've come to my parents' house and just cooked them lunch unprompted.

Today we had lunch together and I was actually not really feeling that great so I just helped out with a few dishes and then went to sit down on the couch. My mum immediately came to me and asked "why aren't you helping out?" and immediately started telling me I had to this for her for lunch, and telling me if I don't help out, we don't get lunch done. I got irritated and answered back that she doesn't ever ask my brother to help out when he comes straight to the couch when he gets here for basically free food and it's annoying. My mum says I was being petty but I held my ground and did basically nothing to help out with lunch.'

'My mum did leave me alone and made me feel like I am being unreasonable. Whenever I talk about different, sexist expectations for men and women, everyone around me just kind of scoffs and rolls their eyes. But how is this not the case? Sure, my mum did leave me to be lazy today but I still feel like I am always expected to help out like it is my obligation but my brother comes carrying one dish from the kitchen, and omg he is helping out, how helpful!'

 

[Southmelbswans]

You have rather painted yourself into a corner by doing everything. Now everyone expects you to keep doing it. Why not put things in front of him and ask him to take then out. Help yourself by being a charming sister and get him moving. Do it nicely and hopefully he will realize that he should be helping out. Do it nastily and it will get his back up and tell you it is "your job"!!!!!

And yes I am a male and doing things around the kitchen and house was how I brought up sol is natural for me to help out.

 

[Dreams]

Unfortunately the same happens and has happened in our family for years.

I am one of eight with 4 brothers. Us girls were always expected to help with meals and cleaning up. My brothers never did and still don’t.

I don’t know if it was something that happened more in our era.?

I never liked it and still don’t. I like the saying more hands make light work.

I have brought up my 2 sons and daughter to help, which they now do especially at family functions.

 

[meighLeigh]

Perfectly reasonable to expect your sibling of any sex to help. Maybe you should lay down the law - I'll help/do the cooking, you do the cleaning up afterwards.
Mind you, I'd probably have walked out when I was berated for not helping and for suggesting that brother do his fair share for once.

 

[mOiOz]

Sounds like the norm in my youth, in fact you actually had the men take plates away!
In my time, it was EXPECTED that the woman do it all, the men were never asked and never offered, unless it was too heavy to lift or move!
This also occurred in most families with cleaning and mostly caring for babies and often children!
It was a very macho atmosphere, which today most people would call misogynistic, but I personally don't see it that way and think it was mainly contributed to strict army service for all men from 18, as well as continual terrorist conflict on our borders.

 

[Rain72]

I think it is a gender thing. Men often feel entitled to leave the kitchen chores to women, or maybe just don't know how to do them or fear they will do it wrong. I used to struggle to help in other people's homes because I was nervous that they might not like the way I do things. I especially struggled in my mother's home because she had always been critical of the way I did things. Nothing ever seemed to be up to her standards. A little praise for even the smallest effort can help a lot. Or use jokes or playful sarcasm to ask for help, but laugh it off if the request fails.

I'm betting your mother notices, and appreciates your help. Maybe that should be enough for you. You don't know what goes on behind the scenes. But if you are sometimes not feeling up to helping, why not just say so politely and nicely, without putting yourself down by criticising your brother? Tell your mother you are not feeling well, or you are really tired. You could say, "Maybe (your brother's name) could give you a hand today, since I am feeling very tired and a little unwell."

 

[mOiOz]

I think it is a gender thing. Men often feel entitled to leave the kitchen chores to women, or maybe just don't know how to do them or fear they will do it wrong. I used to struggle to help in other people's homes because I was nervous that they might not like the way I do things. I especially struggled in my mother's home because she had always been critical of the way I did things. Nothing ever seemed to be up to her standards. A little praise for even the smallest effort can help a lot. Or use jokes or playful sarcasm to ask for help, but laugh it off if the request fails.

I'm betting your mother notices, and appreciates your help. Maybe that should be enough for you. You don't know what goes on behind the scenes. But if you are sometimes not feeling up to helping, why not just say so politely and nicely, without putting yourself down by criticising your brother? Tell your mother you are not feeling well, or you are really tired. You could say, "Maybe (your brother's name) could give you a hand today, since I am feeling very tired and a little unwell."

Why lie? Tell the truth, enough's enough!

 

[Rain72]

Why lie? Tell the truth, enough's enough!

Who said anything about lying? Tact works better than anger.

 

[darrellh]

He obviously knows how to carry plates so I would make it a regular please come and help carry this to the tsble including when you are setting it or can you set the tsble please while I finish the touches to our lunch.
Then can you help carry everything to the kitchen while I stack the dishwasher thanks. A couple of weeks will soon get intova routine and a simple thanks for the help will make him realise it's making a difference.

 

[mOiOz]

Who said anything about lying? Tact works better than anger.

Tell your mother you are not feeling well, or you are really tired. You could say, "Maybe