[Jonathan Leane]

Submit your best joke and go into the draw to win a $100 Coles or Woolies voucher!​

EDIT: Guys we have a new competition... Please see this thread here: https://seniorsdiscountclub.com.au/...w-to-win-a-100-coles-or-woolies-voucher.4723/

Hi guys! The Household Hacks competition was a big success, and a $100 Woolies voucher is being sent off to @JaMin for the winning tip.

Our next competition, running from now until the end of November, is to post your best (clean) joke. It can be as long or as short as you like, and on just about any topic - but lets try to keep things relatively PG please

The best joke submitted before the end of November will receive a $100 Coles or Woolies voucher (at the winner's discretion).

Here's my submission:

Why do blind people hate skydiving?

Spoiler: Joke Answer

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

Let the jokes begin!

 

[fredsm]

A patient walks into the clinic and says to the doctor
Dr ive got a strawberry stuck up my bum
Dr says ive got some cream for that

 

[flatestcat]

Big brown bear walks into the " Beef & Burgundy Bar- asks for a beer- barman (bar person) says , " Sorry , we don't serve beer to big brown bears , at the "Beef & Burgundy Bar." Big brown bear beats up barman and again asks for a beer - barman says , "Sorry, we don't serve beers to big brown bears, at the Beef N& Burgundy Bar,who beat up barmen ." Bear gets more angry and beats up innocent bystanders - then asks for a beer again. Barman says, " Sorry, we don't serve beers to big brown bears, at the Beef N& Burgundy Bar, who beat up barmen and innocent bystanders." Bear gets really angry now and takes a bite out of the bar, then asks for a beer, to which the barman says, " Sorry, we don't serve beers to big brown bears, at the Beef N& Burgundy Bar, who beat up barmen, innocent bystanders and take drugs. " WHAT ! " says the bear. I don't take drugs! Barman says " What about the bar bit you ate? ( Barbituate)

 

[Kathryn60]

A young girl began her army career but was very quickly promoted when the drill sergeant couldn’t handle bawling out her name every parade - “Private Parts” !!!

 

[flatestcat]

A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink.
"Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick. "How about a daiquiri?" The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.
He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa that's great. What's your secret?"
"A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops.
One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favorite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.
The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another...
"Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"
" No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

 

[flatestcat]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from*a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...
com-for-da-bull."

 

[flatestcat]

Rich man gets in his limo. The rich man notices the chauffeur is not his usual chauffeur and says " I see that your not my usual chauffeur." The chauffeur says he's filling in, as the usual chauffeur called in 'sick' today. Rich man says, " Oh, that's no good. What's your name?" "John." says the chauffeur. Rich man says " I normally address my chauffeur, by his surname. What is your surname?" " Darling", says the chauffeur. Rich man then says, " Drive on John."

 

[J and M]

Spoiler: Dirty joke warning :)

An elderly couple were having trouble connecting, so the woman decided to role-play to add a little spice into their relationship. That night, when her husband was coming to bed, she bounced out of the cupboard wearing nothing but a cape, and said “Super vagina.” The man looked at her and said, “I’ll have the soup.”

 

[Dougal]

A man was asked if he could suggest an apt example of mixed feelings.

"Imagine that you've just taken delivery of a brand new car" he replied "and you see your Mother-in-Law driving it over a cliff"

"That's mixed feelings"

 

[Jonaze]

A nun was on her way down to breakfast when she past another nun in the corridor. The other nun said Well you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. She continued down the corridor passing another nun who said to her Well you got out of the bed on the wrong side of the bed this morning. She passed another 8 nuns who all said the same thing. Ignoring them she finally made it down to breakfast where the Mother Superior was sitting and said to her Dont tell me I got up out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. Mother Superior replied Oh I wasnt going to say that I was going to ask you why you are wearing the bishops slippers.

 

[Titch]

A guy takes his wife and mother in law to the holy land for a holiday, unfortunately the mother in law passes away there.
The local priest says to the couple, you can have her buried here in this peaceful place for $500, or you can take her home for $5.000
The guy thinks about it for a few seconds and says to the priest we will take her home, the priest a little surprised asks why would you not want to bury her here in this beautiful peaceful valley for only $500.
The guy answers well 2000 years ago a guy died here, was buried and rose again, I JUST COULDN"T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

 

[Cuddles]

Three nuns died and went up to the purly gates to get into heaven. St.peter said U must each answer a question first.he then asked the first one how did Christ die?she replied by" crucifixion". in you go he said.he asked the second one how many apostles are there? She replied 12.in you go he said .the mother superior was then asked what did Eve say to adam when she first met him? She replied" that's a hard one" in you go st. Peter replied.

 

[TrishH]

A guy walked into a bar and said who owns that chihuahua outside, it’s just killed my German shepherd! A patron steps forward and says I do, but how could my little chihuahua kill your large German shepherd?
He replied, he choked on it!

 

[Beej]

 

[wadlingduck]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop, over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

Moments later Seamus arrives. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT'S NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

 

[Maggie Kendall]

A recently married, middle-aged husband asks his new, beautiful, very sexy and very young wife (who is casually laid back on the lounge sofa drinking a very large glass of wine whilst watching TV) “What’s for dinner tonight darling” to which the young wife replied … “Nothing”. Her husband very quickly replied by saying … “But we had “nothing” last night!“ To which the young wife replied quite nonchalantly … “Yes I know - I made enough to last two nights.”

 

[Clive Alan]

A guy walks into a pub and orders three schooners of beer. He sits down and starts drinking them, sipping from each glass in turn. The patrons are watching this cautiously, and eventually the barman comes over and says that this is not the normal Australian way to drink beer. You could order them one at a time.

The customer laughs and explains that he is actually having a beer with his two brothers, but unfortunately one is in Perth and one is in Sydney while I am here in Melbourne. Each Saturday, the three of us sit in a pub and have a drink together.

The bar manager and patrons look perplexed but accept the story. This practice goes on for about a year each Saturday afternoon

One Saturday, he comes in and orders 2 schooners of beer which he proceeds to drink, sipping from each glass in turn. The pub goes a bit quiet as everyone see him with only two beers. There is a bit of quiet talk and eventually the barman comes over and asks if he is ok. He asks if the brothers are ok. The barman tells him he would be saddened to hear that one of his brothers had passed away.

The customer laughs and says, “ my brothers are both well, it’s just that I have given up drinking.”



Clive Alan

 

[Dr.Page]

Here is my joke for the competion - both sections are self-written!

Teacher Arrested At Sydney International Airport. A high school teacher was arrested today at Sydney’s Kingsford-Smith International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At the press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the AFP with carrying weapons of maths instruction. 'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, the Prime Minister said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Prime Minister.​

A rival group calling themselves the Arith-metics have formed a new fraction with the common denominator of destroying the higher powers. They decimate points and employ long division to split up their opposition. They immediately square any roots of democracy and employ Pythagorus at every opportunity to establish right angles as they see it. They are multiplying at an exponential rate and have built whole villages out of log-orythms to house their whole numbers. If they are not erased soon they will branch out into Trigonometric groups, perhaps a Cosine of things to come, and Geometric polygons, presenting all sides of their argument, and where will we be then? I urge all right-thinking people to form integers and fight this cancerous metamorphosis before the sum is finally totalled.



John Page

 

[Sewgood]

What's the hardest thing in the world to do?
Milk Arrowroot biscuits.

 

[Sewgood]

They say the Irish are dumb .... The Scotch finger biscuits.