[Danielle F.]

When a parent becomes controlling and cruel, is going no-contact the only option?​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/Emergency_Cookie_513:

'I (32 F) have bought an apartment. It's been a long road as I've wanted to move out of my parents home for ages, but I could never afford it until now. I have gone through the whole buying process keeping it a secret from my dad.'

'For context I don't have a good relationship with my dad, he is a very angry and bitter man and is emotionally abusive. My mum and I are always walking on egg shells. He is less than supportive and easily takes offence. He has a habit of threatening to 'go to the woods and not come back' during arguments.

Last year my mum was diagnosed with cancer and the prognosis is not good. It has given me the push to find a way to move out, because both of us know dad will be awful to live with when she starts getting worse. Already he is trying to get her to stop treatment that is extending her life, because it interferes with his ability to book a holiday.'

'She has met me after work, crying her eyes out because he told her she won't see her next birthday. He won't let her go to any appointments alone, even if she says she wants to, and will get verbally aggressive when he doesn't get his own way. Mum is so worried that he will only think of himself that she has made me her lastingl power of attorney.

My mum and I are on the same page, we can't take it much longer and want to leave. I have been moving my possessions over to my new place slowly after work, but it is getting time to hire a removal company.'

'As the time gets nearer I am starting to have doubts and am worried about the impact us suddenly leaving will have. I'm scared to tell dad I'm leaving and mum is coming with me but I also feel sneaky for doing it all behind his back. He has no idea, and I know he will not understand why we have done what we've done. He will definitely see us a the bad guys, and I'm a bit worried that he will harass us.'

On the one hand I feel like I'm gaslighting myself into staying as most of the time things are plodding along okay, but I also sometimes feel like I'm being overly dramatic and a horrible person for taking mum and myself away from him and going no contact. Am I being unreasonable?'

 

[meighLeigh]

I don't see you have an option - he's bullying your mother into an early grave, bullying you. Emotional blackmail will come - how could you leave him alone? But with your Mum in your care, what's to interfere with his proposed holiday? Tell him to piss off on it and forget to come back.

 

[Inferno4256]

hell no, you are not wrong. he most important thing at this moment is that your mums health and peace of mind are the best they can be, And he is not helping either one of those things. get out of there and take her with you. And completely ignore every argument he puts up for you to stay. Run, Ryn Run, both of you and if necessary get a restraining order so he can"t harass either of you once you are gone

 

[Benny's Light]

The sooner you are both out the better. He is an abuser and controller. Seek some help and back up from some of the DV agencies. You and your Mum deserve better!

 

[Mickie Stoner]

JUST DO IT! ! !

 

[Morgans Orchard]

Your father is a narcissistic person in top form . Trying to stop your mother going for treatment to prolong her life one thing alone . Get out of there quickly both of you . Me I would go to the police station just in case he becomes violent . Pity you are not further away . I shuddered when I read your story . Hope you and your mother have a wonderful life in future.

 

[relljube]

I fear that this mongrel will subject you to every form of coercive control and possibly violence. Visit your police station and discuss this with them as to your options in the first instance. Before you start the big move, get you mum out of the house (even if she spends a couple of nights in a motel) never never never tell him where you are going - not even the suburb/town. Make sure he does not try to follow you when he becomes aware of your intentions - drive around in circles if you have to - just make sure he is not following. When you mum is due to visit the doctor/hospital make sure they are aware of the circumstances and insist they do not divulge your mother's appointment details to him otherwise he will turn up to make trouble. It will be difficult for you and your mum in the short term but the sooner you get rid of this creep the better.
Never feel that you are not being fair - he is not a good husband or father and needs to be cast adrift - good luck to you and your mum.

 

[mOiOz]

The perfect resolution, well done and everything of the best for both of you!