[Michelle Engbino]

Told my niece the truth about her past—now the family’s upset. Am I in the wrong?​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from supermans_left_t**.

'Am I being unreasonable for telling my niece [that] her mother tried to give her away as a baby?'​

'I (28, Male) got into a huge argument with my sister (31, Female) last week. The argument had been simmering for a long time, as tension between us has been high for years.'

'When I was 17, my sister had an accidental pregnancy, and when she told her boyfriend he left her. Due to our religious family she kept the baby, but once her daughter was born she panicked. She didn’t want to go through the legal troubles of adoption, so she asked that me and our mother took care of her kid. There was no legal custody, but it was an agreement made within the family.'

'I essentially raised my niece from birth until she was 3. With help from my mother, as she was working to support the new edition to the family. I dropped out of school and took care of her, fed her, changed her and taught her how to walk while my mom was away at work.'

'Then, my sister met her now husband, cleaned her life up and suddenly wanted her kid back. No warning, she moves back to home says thanks and starts being a mother.'

'My niece is now eleven and doesn’t remember all I and her grandmother did. It’s been a family agreement to forget this all happened until the argument.'

'My sister made a petty comment during a fight, where she implied since I lost my job recently I can’t handle responsibility. I snapped and told her she was lucky her daughter was too young to remember how she abandoned her.'

'My niece overheard this, and now wants to know what I meant. I outright said that her mother didn’t think she could raise her, and left her with me and grandma.'

'Now my sister says I traumatised her daughter, and my mom says I should have kept the secret like we agreed. I think this secret couldn’t stay kept forever. Am I being unreasonable?'

'...to give some more context and answer a bunch of the most common questions. When the argument happened, I had put my niece to bed hours ago. We were at my mother's house, and so no one knew she was going to come in.'

'Secondly, after my niece was born my sister moved to the [United States] to get a job. Also, she was 20 and I was 17.'

'And finally, in the aftermath, I said that we can’t go back now since my niece already overheard us all talking, so as a group with her stepfather, we should get together to explain it better.'

'But since the event (a week ago) my sister has been saying that we should blow over it and that my niece will forget if we don’t bring it up again. I’m frustrated at this, and at how she’s now slating me alongside my mother.'

'My mother believes I’m in the wrong for arguing with my sister in the first place, whereas I say she has no right to criticise me for losing my job when I lost my education to caring for her child. I’m trying to get in contact with my nieces stepfather to ask him for his opinion.'

'And yes, I was asked by my mom to drop out of school and I did so. I didn’t go to college later. I had no intention of hurting my niece, but she had already overheard what was said so I felt that keeping it from her now would just cause her confusion. I’m now trying to backpedal the best I can with the families assistance, to be able to properly explain the situation to her. But, my sister and my mother both want to just pretend this never happened and hope my niece forgets as she grows up.'

'I’m starting to wish I was clearer from the beginning. I said I was 17 when my sister “had” the accidental pregnancy. I meant that I was 17 when the baby was born.'

 

[mOiOz]

You did the right thing, especially when she has the nerve to put you down when she has not only done worse, but has shown no gratitude for your past assistance.

Also, I believe the truth ALWAYS comes out, having experienced lies growing up and finding out the truth in my 20s.
I know I would've preferred the truth earlier, it would have prevented all the other lies that followed, to cover up.
This experience has made me totally phobic about the truth on EVERY THING, to this day.
I honestly don't know if I will ever forgive them.

 

[kerrikennel]

In your effort to hurt your sister for her behaviour, you have instead devastated your niece. Bit of an AH aren't you?

 

[Kaz Candy]

Thank you for sharing, being a man raising your niece and not putting her through "the system". I believe in honesty always.. it may be painful to all involved, however if there is only truth, that can be worked on and may take some time. Lies only continue to get bigger and cause more pain. Stand tall, be the uncle and continue to be in her life and teach her to be true. I'm 65 and been around the block a few times, deceit never wins.

 

[Suzy Q]

Kerrikennel I think you need to go back and reread the article

 

[PepeLePew]

I raised my twin granddaughters with the help of my then 15yr old son, from the time they were round 6mths old (father of the babies walked out then) to the age of 10.
Once they hit double figures their mother decided they were old enough to go and live with her as she believed they were now old enough to be of use to her and she didn't have to do anything for them as they could do it for themselves.
From the age of 12 she stopped them from spending time with me & then she wondered why those girls spiraled down hill something chronic over the next few yrs and why after turning 16 they moved out and went to live with their father & stepmother.
When they turn 18 I have every intention of taking the greatest of pleasure of informing them about their childhood and what myself and their uncle gave up to ensure they had a normal childhood surrounded by caring loving people.

 

[mOiOz]

In your effort to hurt your sister for her behaviour, you have instead devastated your niece. Bit of an AH aren't you?

Never lie to your children!!!!
Don't judge if you've never been there.

 

[Morgans Orchard]

This same story happened to my best friend .Her daughter had a baby at 15 years old . the daughter wanted to adopt the baby ( a girl) out . But my friend said NO she would raise it as her own . It was her first grandchild . 3 years later the girl met another boy and they got married so she came home and demanded her mother let her take her . Unfortunately their were no adoption papers signed . My friend was devastated the little girl couldn’t understand what was going on she didn’t realise that was her original mother that was taking her . It affected her mentally then .3 years later the daughter and her husband divorced . Back home to the grandmother again . She was never told.That young girl is 50 years old now and when she was finally told the truth affected her so bad she moved and lives on her own and doesn’t speak to any of the family because of the secret they all kept .So yes young man you gave up your education TO DO THE RIGHTTHING and I admire you for it . The truth always comes out in the end.

 

[dianearnold]

She never should have criticised you.

 

[Jerry5]

In your effort to hurt your sister for her behaviour, you have instead devastated your niece. Bit of an AH aren't you?

Who said the niece is devastated? And don’t pretend you never said anything hurtful in an argument.
As for him being the arsehole, it takes one to know one.

 

[Luckyus]

Your should have it sewn up slack cow and I don't say that lightly. Now that its out I'd explain it all to my niece and let her make up her own mind.

 

[Jerry5]

Disappointed that you are so judgemental and sexist with your opening comment. Why is it always the girls fault when sex goes wrong?
However I agree with your comment about coming clean, now that it is out in the open.

 

[Charlotte59]

You, it would seem, have been the one to do right by your niece. You sacrificed your education to raise a child that should have been your sister's responsibility. She had no thought or consideration for your niece, only herself. You were right to defend yourself in your sister's demeaning statement about responsibility. I don't believe the child is devastated, as the mother states, i believe she is more curious to know her story and that the mother is too ashamed to tell her that she was abandoned.