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One Liners!
· The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the
ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
· Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved
with flat squirrels.
· Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
· When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from
children just like the bottle says.
· Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say,
“Close enough.”
· Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done!
· If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed.
We’re having a meeting.
· “Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.
· Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags or is it just me?
· I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech
support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
· Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite
apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
· Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will
be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
· So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
· I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
· I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim".
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
· Old age is coming at a really bad time.
· If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
· Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
· Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer
me to someone I can't understand anyway?
· Your people skills are fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
· "On time" is when you get there.
· Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it does muffle the sound.
· It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes,
then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
· Lately, you've noticed that people your age are much older than you.
· "One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.
