[Athena E.]

'My fiancée refuses to sign a prenup, now I'm thinking of cancelling the wedding.'​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/raspberi1:

Am I being unreasonable for considering calling off my wedding because my fiancée refuses to sign a prenup after I found out she has a massive cedit card debt?

'I am just a middle-aged man supposed to be getting married in a few months to my fiancée. We've been together for three years, engaged for one, and for most of that time, I genuinely believed we were on the same page about life values and, most importantly, honesty.'

'For background: I’ve worked hard to build a stable financial foundation. I’m not wealthy, but I own my home outright, have no personal debt, and I’ve been saving and investing since my early twenties. It’s been a priority for me, especially since my parents went through a nasty divorce that ruined both of them financially.'

'About a month ago, while we were discussing wedding costs, I brought up a prenup. Not in a cold or controlling way, I just wanted to protect the life I’ve worked hard to build. I was upfront that I’d still be fair and the agreement wouldn’t leave her with nothing. I expected an adult conversation. Instead, she immediately got defensive. She said things like, "So you’re already planning for a divorce?" and "I thought we trusted each other."

'I tried to explain it wasn’t about trust, it was about transparency and mutual protection. But she shut it down completely. That’s when red flags started popping up. She became evasive every time money came up, and I started noticing weird things, credit card offers in the mail, a few missed payments on shared expenses she said she'd cover, and lots of "I'll handle it later" energy.'

'So, I asked directly if she had debt. She admitted it. $92,000 in credit card debt. Not student loans. Not a mortgage. Credit cards. She said it accumulated over the years from unexpected expenses and a few dumb splurges, but she never told me about any of it until I forced the issue.'

'I was stunned. We’re about to merge lives. This woman was about to legally become my spouse, and she didn’t think I deserved to know she was six figures in the red? I told her this made the prenup non-negotiable for me. I need to protect myself not just emotionally, but financially. I told her I was willing to still move forward, but not without something in writing that protects my premarital assets. '

'She lost it. Called me selfish. Said I was turning love into a business deal. Said my house and money should be hers too if we’re truly a team. Since then, she’s refused to talk about the prenup again, and we’re barely speaking. Even her mother called me and accused me of humiliating her daughter and being materialistic. All I want is not to be liable for debt I didn’t create and to make sure the life I built before this relationship is protected.'

'So now I’m seriously reconsidering the whole wedding. Not because she has debt, but because she hid it, then refused to take responsibility, and now is treating me like the bad guy for trying to protect myself. I'm almost certain that she could pay her debts since she is a partner in her friend's business, but she just refuses to. Am I unreasonable for thinking about walking away?'

 

[Bill MacL]

If she hasn't paid for things she said she would, and now you find out she has massive debt, RUN.

 

[Gezzabel]

As a woman, I would be offended by this request. But statistically, so many relationships end, I understand why you would want a pre-nup!

 

[HelenB55]

No wonder she wants to have nothing to do with your pre-nups.
Stick to them…. if she still won’t agree, then maybe you would be better off by canceling the wedding.
Even not telling you about her debt shows that she is not honest with you.
How could you even trust her?

SIRENS ARE GOING OFF

 

[Witty]

If she didn't even pay for shared expenses, didn;t tell you about the massive debt, won't discuss a prenup - walk don't run. Cancel the wedding and move on. She has not been honest with you and that is no way to start a marriage. If you are living together please make sure that she has no claim on anything of yours if you do split up. Best of luck for your future.

 

[Suzanne rose]

Red flags all around , as soon as a couple become serious they should discuss any debt.
That's a huge debt to bring into a marriage and once they marry it also becomes his.

Maybe she is a spender meaning will her spending stop once they are married or will she keep piling the debt up.

My friends son married and already had paid of a duplex and house before he even met his wife

He rented out the house and one duplex and they lived in the other duplex.
They had three girls , when the youngest was 2 she said she never loved him and wanted a divorce.

Cut a story short. She had found someone else. He had to give her the house and one duplex so all he was left with was one duplex.

He then spent over $200,000 on solicitors and court cost trying to get visitation rights. The judge would order her to let him see the girls but every time he went to pick them up they were not home. Then it was back to court abd more money. This went on and on until he gave up.
He hasn't seen his girls in 10 years and she ended up with 75% off his properties.

He was one who should have had a pre nup.

I also think this guy needs a prenuptial but to be honest he should not walk but run from this relationship

 

[cblayney]

I would be very concerned about the debt. If she won't sign a prenuptial I would not be getting married.
If you love her maybe offer to postpone the wedding until her debt is under control

 

[Jo Piper3]

How could she possibly have a $92,000 credit card debt? Had she anything substantial to show for her expenses? Sounds like a risky move to marry without a prenup.

 

[gamiry]

Sir, please take notice of these good people. I wish I had met someone like you. In the days I worked my butt off and was trying to purchase my homes, I wish I'd known that the law in those days considered that the man was the one who paid for everything. Both husbands ended up with everything I worked for and for my payout on my first farm was $78.68. He got the $$$$$.For heavens sake Sir, take it from a fool and RUNNNNNNNNNNNN. Good luck in the future and I wish you lots of love, loyalty and joy. XXXXX

 

[Jan A]

Under the Family Law Act 1975 (Commonwealth) a prenuptial agreement is referred to as a “Binding Financial Agreement.” It must be signed by all parties after each party has obtained separate independent legal advice from a legal practitioner and each practitioner has provided a signed statement that advice was provided to the parties. The purpose is to finalise in advance any future division of property if the relationship breaks down. Agreements can be vacated if there is evidence one party was coerced to sign.

It seems that in the relationship described, the woman’s debt was not the only problem for the man to consider. That level of indiscriminate spending suggests some hidden mental problems. Keeping her enormous debt secret from the man she will expect to become mutually liable when they marry would indicate the danger of future deceitful behaviour. This woman is not the person he thought she was. The phrase “dodged a bullet” comes to mind.

 

[gayle222]

Run ,run very fast. Sadly she has been dishonest with you. I’m hearing alarm bells and thinking…is she hoping once yr married her debt become yr debt as well and you will pay. No you have worked too hard to get where you are in life and finance to marry someone that doesn’t have the same goals. Call it buddy,it’s not worth it

 

[IAN3005]

A pre-nup is a MUST in this day and age... no pre-nup, no wedding ..the women of today are only after the money......

 

[Dennis]

The monthly repayments must be horrendous.

 

[magpie1]

Call it Quits....and find someone else. Best of luck with your future.

 

[Jennylolo]

It's both women and men who do this, so they can get out of their debt and have back up. Then they divorce so they set themselves up without having done the hard yards.

 

[ARL]

For that amount of debt I would want an agreement especially as the debt was not willingly disclosed. I would also be concerned about her future financial management. If she can't manage a credit card how can she manage family finances or a business?

What is the business structure and what is her role? Is she a director or partner? Could you become liable for business losses? I would also want financial statements for the business. Why is her mother involved? Is the mother a partner or involved in the business?

Credit card interest is up to 20%. What are the monthly repayments? Monthly payments would almost certainly be more than $1800. Are there any assets to show for the debt?

I would have thought your fiancee would have wanted a prenup. (FDA as they are in Australia) to protect her $90k worth of purchases AND her business.

Perhaps I am naive but marriage is meant to be based in part on honesty and trust.

What else have you not been told?

I wouldn't want the wedding to proceed at all. No agreement, no wedding, if you wish to proceed.

 

[relljube]

This would be what is described as an STD - sexually transmitted debt - when you co-habitate (12 months) or get married, this debt is transmitted to you also. Give her a wide berth and tell her mother that perhaps she should have been more pro-active in promoting a financially responsible daughter instead of this "spend or bust" woman - not sure of her age but presumably close to yours - in which case why is the mother even involved? Run rabbit run, run, run

 

[ARL]

A pre-nup is a MUST in this day and age... no pre-nup, no wedding ..the women of today are only after the money......

Rather harsh,if not misogynistic some men also do this.

 

[novezar]

The very 1st steps you should have prepared for any possible future marriage was a "WISH LIST".

Did your future bride have any real estate interests As in either , at your meeting time, buying a house or other living ventures ?
Was she a divorcee with a property settlement carried out ?
Does she have children where her previous hubby is/was providing financials for as in child maintenance ?
Are any children of hers living with her ?
Did you ask the "?" of any outstanding debts other than a housing mortgage or car payments ?

You have to be very upfront as you could fall very foul of her hidden agenda.
As with me, same situation, where I had everything worked out well before any new marriage would be considered or taking place.

Any doubts, don't sign on the dotted line as you could find yourself in a completely financial nightmare not of your doing.

Once you sign up, by law, you become responsible for the unforeseen liabilities which you will certainly inherit.

Be extremely thoughtful for your ease of mind, &, pocket.

I strongly feel that you have to ask & answer some very big questions to yourself.

Just be very careful of yourself & future.

 

[ARL]

If she hasn't paid for things she said she would, and now you find out she has massive debt, RUN.

If she wants to share your assets she almost certainly wants to share her debt. What assets is she contributing to the marriage and sharing with you? What is wrong with the business if she cannot pay off the debt? That business may also have debts, and depending on legal structure of the business, private assets may be used to pay off business debts.