[Skipton]

More One- Liners!​

I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common-sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.

It's not my age that bothers me, it's the side effects.

I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient.

I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four U.S. presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

Apparently, RSVP-ing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you're still a dumbass.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."