[Skipton]

Life​

• I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.

• My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday.

• My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?" I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."

• My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favourite is The Sexy Librarian, where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

• Being old is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go too.

• I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

• At a wedding reception, someone yelled: "All married people, please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.

• I met my wife at a singles' night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.

• I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.

• Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation." We're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

• As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.