[Luckyus]

Jokes On The Run​

The wife says to her husband "You only ever want sex when your drunk".

her husband says "That's not true sometimes I want a kebab"




I’m in trouble with the wife.
We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.




After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough ... once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought… Sod it…. I'll just soldier on.



I woke up this morning at 8 o'clock and could tell something was wrong straight away.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I started to panic.
I just didn’t know what to do ………………… and

then I remembered Macdonald's serve breakfast until 11.30.



Man was making love to a 30 stone woman.
He says ...
“Can we have the light switched off?” ...
She said ...
“Why? Do you find me repulsive?”
So he said :

“ No … it’s burning my arse”.



Paddy got a letter in the post this morning.
It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND.

He’s still wondering how to pick it up!



Black chap walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

"That's nice," said the barman. "Where did you get him?"

"Africa," said the parrot, "There's thousands of them there!"



I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend last night.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him:

"You idiot!"

"You're supposed to turn your clock back!



The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I had to nip round to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.



My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,
so I went to our local pet shop and they were $20!!!
Bugger this I thought - I can get one cheaper off the web.



A little Muslim kid, crying, can’t find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’

The kid says “I have no f*cking idea!”