[Athena E.]

Is it unreasonable to refuse to take care of my parents?​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/A_Bean_Like_No_ Other:

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to take care of my parents?

'My household was negative, to say the least. My parents were strict and controlling. They wanted me to be a doctor or lawyer, but I only wanted to do art. I remember showing my parents my art and them making some sarcastic remarks. I told them I was going to college for art and asked them to help support me. I don't really know why, though, since I knew they wouldn't unless it was for something they wanted me to do.'

'Anyway, they refused, saying that it was "my choice, my responsibility". So I worked as a broke college student, barely making ends meet while juggling 2-3 part-time jobs and keeping up my grades. I now own a small art program.'

'A year into my degree, I met my now-husband in a small coffee shop. It turns out he was a student and wanted to make friends. By friends, he meant a girlfriend. He asked for my number, and I agreed since he was cute. Now I have 2 kids with him.'

'So now I (32) And my hubby (34) have a happy family; my husband's family became my second family. They helped me through college and weren't monster in-laws or anything like that.'

'My mum (66) and dad (69) reached out with their demands: Demand 1: Meet their grandkids. Demand 2: Move in with us or cover their rent. Demand 3: Pay for hospital/medical bills.'

'Their reasons? They "did so much for me and deserve their happy ending." I told them it was their bad choices, their responsibility, and they needed to work like I did to get by since I wasn't going to help some stuck-up pieces of work.'

'I feel like I did the right thing since they left me when I needed help, but some of the family thinks I'm being unfair to them since they did work for me so I could eat etc etc, but I don't know part of me doesn't wanna expose my kids nor myself to their toxicity but I want some unbiased outside opinions before I make up my mind.'

 

[etphhome]

I agree with you. They have no right to expect you to pay their rent and medical bills. As for moving in with them and exposing your children to the same toxic environment is a recipe for disaster. If they haven’t paid for your college education, they should be able to pay for their own medical expenses. If they can’t, they should apply for government assistance.

 

[Nelbert]

No you are not. Both of u are trying to give your children the life you didn't. Growing up in a happy home is so important. They treated you with contempt and I feel they would not be nice to their grandchildren and I'm sure even worse to your husband. I have seen many older people whinging that their children do not come and visit, but in reality if you throw vinegar at your children rather than honey that's what you get in return when you suddenly need them. Hold your head high you are doing nothing wrong. My late husband used to say when you marry you break the mould and have a happier life

 

[andaz]

Demand 1. Introduce the kids but set boundaries.
Demand 2 . Centrelink pension and social housing with rental subsidy is available.
Demand 3. Medicare and public health services are there and available.
Are they physically capable of looking after themselves? Social services are available to assist where needed.
Family seems dysfunctional. You need to discuss why. I am not judging. or taking sides.
Good luck.

 

[Mummanew]

Demand 1. Introduce the kids but set boundaries.
Demand 2 . Centrelink pension and social housing with rental subsidy is available.
Demand 3. Medicare and public health services are there and available.
Are they physically capable of looking after themselves? Social services are available to assist where needed.
Family seems dysfunctional. You need to discuss why. I am not judging. or taking sides.
Good luck.

Centrelink, Medicare etc aren't relevant as this is in the USA. These stories are cut and pasted from Reddit (usually Sub Reddit AITA....Am I the a**hole?). Sadly seniors in the USA aren't taken care of by the Government as well as we are here.

 

[DiBoz]

Your parents chose to have you. Therefore must provide food care etc until you are of working age. There is no “owing” any one anything for that care. They chose not to help you as a student. Would I turn my life upside down now for them. NO. I certainly would not. I do agree they should get to know their grandchildren. I find it strange that they have not already had a relationship of some sort with them , but don’t know the full story so can’t comment more on that.

 

[Bullwinkle]

You own them nothing…exactly what they provided for you when you need their help..
Get on with your life and enjoy

 

[magpie1]

No extended comment.......YOUR family, YOUR problem. YOU sort it out.!!

 

[MIZMAC]

The only demand I would try and come at would be have them meet their grandkids but, on your terms. Possibly only when you and/or hubby are present.

 

[Veggiepatch]

No mention of siblings?

Let the old fogies rot in misery.

 

[Iggydi]

First off they are only 66 and 69. Unless they have major health issues they can take care of themselves. Secondly demanding things doesn’t get one very far in this world. You obviously have had nothing much to do with your parents for many years. Toxic people aren’t happy unless they poison everyone around them. So you are not being unreasonable. If they weren’t related to you, you wouldn’t give them the time of day just because they’re related doesn’t mean anything
They should have been nicer to you

 

[Towing]

Centrelink, Medicare etc aren't relevant as this is in the USA. These stories are cut and pasted from Reddit (usually Sub Reddit AITA....Am I the a**hole?). Sadly seniors in the USA aren't taken care of by the Government as well as we are here.

Centrelink, Medicare etc aren't relevant as this is in the USA. These stories are cut and pasted from Reddit (usually Sub Reddit AITA....Am I the a**hole?). Sadly seniors in the USA aren't taken care of by the Government as well as we are here.

SDC can we stick to Australian articles please??? In USA my understanding is that legally a % of your pay is automatically deducted as compulsory health cover.

 

[Dynamo]

First off they are only 66 and 69. Unless they have major health issues they can take care of themselves. Secondly demanding things doesn’t get one very far in this world. You obviously have had nothing much to do with your parents for many years. Toxic people aren’t happy unless they poison everyone around them. So you are not being unreasonable. If they weren’t related to you, you wouldn’t give them the time of day just because they’re related doesn’t mean anything
They should have been nicer to you

Well said

 

[Hathi]

You don't need their toxisity aroung your children, they didn't support your career.

 

[Jo Piper3]

The parents are probably younger than us

 

[Veggiepatch]

The parents are probably younger than us

But older than me.

Only just....

 

[Nicnat]

No one is responsible for their parents rent and healthcare. If they haven’t got super they can access the pension. It would be nice for your kids to know their grandparents but not if said grandparents were going to be negative.

 

[HelenFB]

I have 5 siblings so growing up in the 50’s & 60’s was hard for us as our mother was on her own until she met our stepfather when I was 8. Clothes were always hand-me-downs, we never went for holidays & often we only had 2 meals a day. We all thought that that’s how life is. At the time we took no notice of our mother smoking or drinking. When she married our stepfather it was like living in a concentration camp. Things went from bad to worse for us kids. Our stepfather physically abused us while our mother stood by him & said we deserved it as we were all “little bastards”. Anyway, they have both passed on, & to this day, I am still unsure about how I feel about them. They asked me (& my husband) for held a few times and we gave it to them. All us siblings have “normal” happy lives, own our own houses, & had good jobs…with no thanks to either of our parents. We had to work for everything. Today, I often reflect on my childhood. Yes, it was hard, but I think it made me a better person. I have no guilt feelings as I always treat people how I would like to be treated. And I still had respect for my parents. I have done the right thing in life. If anyone should be guilty, it should have been them because of the way they treated us.
Just thought I would share this with all of you.
I don’t believe in carrying grudges as it makes you unhappy & miserable.
Just enjoy your life & be happy

 

[Kevin. A.]

It is always hard when you are confronted with these choices. However, as you have pointed out your parents forced you to stand on your own two feet when you asked for their help. As your parents I assume they have retired then they should be living off their hard-earned retirement nest egg and not be trying to get you to support their lifestyle. You have your own children and husband to take care of now. Your parents made their choices, and it is up to them to have put enough money away (superannuation) to help fund those choices.