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I have terminal cancer and my biggest fear is leaving my daughter with my husband. Is there anything I can do?
Having to face your own mortality is never easy. This is especially true if you have young children or grandchildren at home who will be left behind when you're gone.
As a parent and grandparent, it's natural to want to make sure that your family is taken care of – both emotionally and financially – when you're no longer here. But, if you're facing terminal cancer and don't have much time left, this can feel like an impossible task.
If you find yourself in this situation, the most important thing you can do is to talk to your loved ones about your fears and concerns. It's also important to make sure that your legal and financial affairs are in order. This includes things like creating a will, appointing a guardian for any minors in your care, and setting up a trust, if possible.
But what happens when your partner in life, and parent to your child, doesn’t step up?
Unfortunately, that’s the position one Australian found herself in. She turned to the internet for advice.
The anonymous poster was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer three years ago – around the same time her only child, a daughter, turned eight. The cancer was discovered too late for a cure and she was initially given less than two years to live; however, she has defied doctors' predictions so far and is still living day-to-day.
In the post, she says, ‘I will probably die within the next few years – I was initially given less than two years to live but have bucked the prognosis for now. I am in a treatment that has very severe side effects, the key of which is extreme fatigue. Nonetheless, I try to make the best of it and exercise almost every day as a way to counteract the pain and fatigue.’
She says her husband refuses to take better care of himself or change his lifestyle in any way – even though he knows full well that his poor health is having a negative impact on their daughter's well-being too.
She goes into detail, explaining:
‘My issue is my husband. He drinks excessively and has never exercised. Since the diagnosis, these issues have gotten worse to the point where he quit his job and spends most of his days on the internet. He refuses to take better care of himself, although he has tried to quit drinking multiple times to no avail. He is grumpy, depressed and very unpleasant to be around, not to mention a very bad example for our daughter. He is often very impatient with her and very short-tempered. I am scared for her and any time I bring this up, he gets angry. Financially we are OK as I have a good disability plan and good insurance, but I worry for him and her future with him.’
It is awful that, on top of her own mortality, she is left to deal with difficult feelings of guilt, resentment and concern.
She concludes her post by asking:
‘If he is acting this way now, what will he do when my disease progresses to the point where I can’t function at such a high level (I currently do the majority of the household chores)? How do I get him to “grow up” and start taking better care of himself to ensure our daughter’s future?’
You never have to deal with burdens alone. Image Credit: Pexels
Eleanor, Advice Columnist for The Guardian, weighed in. Here’s what she had to say.
‘In answering your question, I wanted to speak to some grief counsellors to make sure you had their expertise. They said it sounds like your husband may be not processing his own grief terribly well – that alcohol, games or abandoning housework may be his way of retreating from the reality of your diagnosis.’
‘Many of us avoid thinking about death our whole lives because to do so risks total ruination; we pull away from friends who are bereaved or ill because we need the illusion of immortality to function.’
‘It may be that your husband’s slackness and irritability aren’t failures to realise what rests on his shoulders now but responses to realising it all too well. He may fear he’ll be crushed under its weight.’
Unfortunately, there is limited time to reach a solution. So what can she do?
In terms of how she can get her husband to ‘grow up’ Eleanor had this advice. ‘If his behaviour at the moment is a response to grief – depression or avoidance – then growing up may not be something you can make him do.’
‘You cannot lever him into the humility and commitment that real change requires.’ Let’s sit for a moment with this advice because it rings true for so many situations in life.
‘All you can do is bravely and candidly say what you have said to me – and it may be that as long as you don’t tell him this truth, he will not change. But this does not guarantee that he will change once you do.’
She then poses a necessary but difficult question. ‘What do you do if he doesn’t grow up?’
Only the original poster can answer this question and it's a cruel twist of fate that she has to.
‘Sometimes we ask for advice because we’re hoping that someone else will be able to see something in our situation that we haven’t; a concealed nook or passageway that gives us a way out without a painful conflict.’
‘But in this extraordinarily difficult situation, I think there’s no secret nook. The options are that he changes or that he doesn’t.’
No one knows how much time they have left on this earth. However, if you are facing terminal cancer, it's important to take steps now to ensure that your children will be taken care of when you're gone, even if it involves difficult conversations.
Eleanor goes on to ask whether he has earned her trust. Does he deserve the task of looking after her beloved daughter? Is he fit for the task?
If not, there are options she can pursue. She can legally formalise the role of godparents, siblings, or other trusted adults in her daughter’s life.
Ultimately, Eleanor suggests being prepared for the worst possibility rather than expending all energy on hoping the father will step up. We have to agree.
Members, what advice would you give to someone in this incredibly difficult situation?
