[Athena E.]

'I don't want to move back home to take care of my grandmother... am I being unreasonable?'​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/Easy_Individual9019:

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to uproot my life and move home to care for my grandmother?

'My grandparents played a huge role in raising my brother and I, as well as my aunt’s two kids. Between her kids, me, and my brother, my grandparents' house was a revolving door of children being dropped off while our parents worked full-time.'

'As the oldest, I was expected to take on the most responsibility and became my grandmother’s "helper". My grandparents were verbally and emotionally abusive with no boundaries. I spent significant time in their home, constantly being ordered around and reminded how much I owed them. They lived in the house directly behind my dad’s, so there was no escaping it. If they needed something, they called. If they wanted something done, I was expected to do it.'

'At 22, I was exhausted and moved away. I’ve lived away from home for 8 years now and recently, I have been hearing about my grandparents' declining health. I was told my grandmother has dementia and my grandfather has limited time, but when I speak with them, they seem lucid. I’ve attempted to clarify their condition with my dad and brother, but I’ve been met with vague, passive-aggressive answers.'

'I was recently laid off and called my aunt, who has a strong professional network, to see if she knew of any job openings. Her reply was harsh- “I’ve got too much stuff going on here to worry about you." I didn’t ask her to worry about me- I asked if she knew anyone hiring. She then revealed the likely true reason she answered my call… My grandfather is in assisted living, and she, my brother, and cousins are juggling work and “caregiving” shifts for my grandmother, who apparently can't be left alone in the home anymore. This was news to me.'

'She praised my brother and her daughter, comparing me negatively to them as always, then demanded I move home and become my grandmother’s full-time caregiver because I’m currently unemployed. She said I had to “give some to get some.” When I politely declined, she blamed my refusal on my mother "not raising me right," despite my grandparents essentially raising us all.'

'My mother left when I was six, and my grandparents undermined both she and my dad completely. They controlled everything about my upbringing, so I was essentially raised by the same people who raised my aunt. Now, I feel like my aunt is trying the same manipulation with me. When I pointed out that I have no medical training and suggested they hire a nurse, she dismissed it, claiming that due to "short staffing," hiring a nurse wasn't an option.'

'I know exactly what will happen if I agree- I’ll be trapped indefinitely, sacrificing my life while everyone else continues normally. It’s a black hole I refuse to enter.'

'So, am I unreasonable for refusing to drop everything, move home, and become my grandmother’s unpaid caregiver?'

 

[deni67]

Oh you poor thing. I would hate to be put into that situation so I can imagine how you would feel. Stick to your guns, you've done your job, wonderfully by the sounds of it, it's time for someone else to take the reins.
In my opinion, she needs to be put into assisted living, a care home!
Good luck for your future.

 

[JKD]

Why not compromise and become a carer for say six months. I think your decision rests with how much you love your grandparents and appreciate all they did for you. Don't be swayed by others but remember, you will have to live with your conscience.

I became a full time carer to a friend who sadly passed away last year. Yes, it was time consuming and hard work 24/7 but when I saw the happiness he enjoyed in his remaining months, I knew I had made the right decision.

 

[kdzimm]

Some people are suited to this and some are not. I was in the care field for over 30 years. Its hard work. I am now caring for my elderly mother together with my sister. We look after Mum for 2-3 months each then swap over. I have to live with Mum in her home, where my sister has Mum at her home most of the time. I live interstate and drive the 1000 klms each way as my sister lives 45 minutes drive away from Mum's home. It is tiring 24/7. You are on constant duty and listening out for safety reasons. I am lucky as my Mother is a wonderful, kind, caring and very appreciative person. If she was abusive I would contact "My Aged Care" and ask for their advice. I have cared for people going into dementia, you need training for this or else you will end up going mad. Relatives can have THEIR opinions on what you should do, but remember its their opinions and not their life they are talking about. They appear to be getting exhausted and are trying to load all the responsibility onto you. If there is any hesitation, don't do it.

 

[maxtyson]

Oh you poor thing. I would hate to be put into that situation so I can imagine how you would feel. Stick to your guns, you've done your job, wonderfully by the sounds of it, it's time for someone else to take the reins.
In my opinion, she needs to be put into assisted living, a care home!
Good luck for your future.

Please dont go into that black hole.You have certainly given it plenty of thought.Stay strong and say enough is enough I am not willing the play there games.If you were here I would give you a hug.

 

[Bullwinkle]

My answer to you is No!!
You are Not being unreasonable, you have made a life for yourself..
Have your grandmother shifted into assisted care… end of story!!

My mum and I had this discussion many years before she passed away….
I worked hard in my career to get to were I am today.
My mum understood this, and together we had everything in place for her to go into assisted living if required…unfortunately she passed away suddenly when she was 80 years of age, so our plans were never needed

 

[Rosi Gordon]

Why not compromise and become a carer for say six months. I think your decision rests with how much you love your grandparents and appreciate all they did for you. Don't be swayed by others but remember, you will have to live with your conscience.

I became a full time carer to a friend who sadly passed away last year. Yes, it was time consuming and hard work 24/7 but when I saw the happiness he enjoyed in his remaining months, I knew I had made the right decision.

Sounds like her family won't give her a chance to get away after 6 months and she will stuck there forever.

 

[Rosi Gordon]

Don't do it. You are being used by your family so they don't have bother. I always thought I'd look after my mum as she was such a kind lady but illness turned her into a very nasty woman but she passed before I could honour my promise as I don't know how I would've coped being with her 24/7 . If your grandmother can't live on her own then it's time she joined her husband in care. So sorry you were put in this situation and hope you have a happy life.

 

[Kinchar]

Don't do it.

 

[natalielocket]

I agree with putting your Mother into Care. I too have worked in Age Care, both Residential and Community. It is hard work, but I could walk away at the end of the shift. Sounds like your Family don`t want to put your Grandmother into care as it cost. If they own the house, it is sold to help pay for both Grandparents care. Probably that`s the reason they want you to come home. They want the house to sell when convenient for them to have the proceeds.

 

[Bridgit]

Run and don't look back!
You have your life and none of them will be there for you - it is obvious.

 

[Joydie]

Absolutely not! Taking care of the elderly is bloody hard, and it sounds as though your grandparents and other family members are entitled and demanding.

If those living in the same town as the grandparents can't be bothered caring for them, don't let them manipulate you into uprooting your life and moving, effectively ruining any chance you have of becoming employed again and leading your own life.

You could suggest to your aunt that all family members chip in to pay for care for your grandmother at home. Tell her you'll be happy to help financially when you have another job, but not bear the lion's share. I don't believe for one minute that its impossible to find a carer. Stick to your guns!

 

[Mindygirl12022]

I don't think so. Not seeing the way they treat you. Just say NO!

 

[starrysnan]

There are not many jobs where you are working/on call 24/7. A live in carer is just that. If you have any doubts don't do it. You have a right to your own life too.

 

[Benny's Light]

Your grandfather is in assisted living and I think this makes it easier for your grandmother to go into assisted living too. The precedent is set here. My parents went into assisted living as we could not provide for their needs 24/7. We as a family would visit and spend hours with them each day on a roster basis, take them out and establish routines, we did this for some years. Your family should be sharing the responsibility and not fall to one person. In care, the care workers work on shift (of maybe 8 hours a day) meaning they also have a life. If you do this you will have no life, as it will be 24/7. My advice, your grandparents should be in care but with full family involvement that is shared, so they are not alone. Don't do it - your family are taking advantage of you!

 

[Luckyus]

I'd never allow a parent to go into a home if she didn't want to go, she would come and live with me as I told her it was like going into hospital, you leave your dignity at the door. She looked after you in your hour of need, you can return the favour. I see that a member here one Deni67 appears to be angry with my post about looking after a parent, well all I can say to this is.Go fuck yourself jn bastard spages.