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How one man’s sexual fantasies led to regret that nearly ruined his 20-year+ marriage
We’re all adults here so we can safely agree that sex is normal. Sexual fantasies are also normal for the majority of adults. But what happens when something normal perfectly spirals into something anxiety-inducing? Let’s talk about it.
After more than 20 years of marriage, one man confessed he still can’t stop thinking about all the sexual experiences he ‘missed out on’ when tying the knot.
After meeting his future wife and marrying her at a young age, the man felt he cut himself off from various life experiences that he felt everyone else was having. While he doesn’t regret marrying his wife, he does feel marriage restricts him. He states he’s ‘always had a nagging feeling that [he] missed out on certain experiences’.
In a bid for help, he turned to psychotherapist Pamela Stephenson Connolly.
Therapy can be a useful tool. Image Credit: Pexels
He shares, ‘I do enjoy my sex life but am sometimes overwrought by thoughts that I never “completed the album”, as it were.’ He provides examples ranging from having a threesome to engaging in a one-night stand.
‘I am starting to resent people who have had more experiences, as if it’s a competition, even when I know that other aspects of my life have turned out far better than theirs.’ At this point, it’s important to point out that many of his peers may not have had these experiences either. It’s easy to build up these ideas in your head when they may not even be true.
While he’s adamant he doesn’t want to venture outside the marital bed, he wants to know how to get rid of the overwhelming feeling that he missed out and that ‘there is a gap he will never be able to fill’.
If this sounds familiar, or you’re simply curious, here’s what Pamela suggested:
‘Try to see these thoughts as fantasies – wonderful expressions of healthy eroticism that can serve as a means of keeping you sexually alive – and even enhancing your sexual drive to be intimate with your wife.’ However, she was careful to note that this does not mean fantasising about someone else while being intimate with your partner.
In fact, fantasies are extremely normal and healthy. According to Pamela, ‘fantasies serve a purpose – either to facilitate arousal, masturbation, or a general sense of private pleasure and sexual vibrancy.’ If fantasies are a normal part of sexual health, why are they causing this man so much grief? Pamela has an answer for that too.
‘Unfortunately, you have connected these feelings with regret and a sense of longing, and you are not alone in that. Studies have shown that most people think about and fantasise about having sex with someone other than their spouse.’
Pamela insists that you should avoid giving in as fantasies are just that: fantasies. They are never worth jeopardising a life that you are otherwise happy with.
One study helps to explain why this husband feels so much regret. The results found that while women were more likely to regret partaking in casual sex, men, on the other hand, were more likely to regret missed opportunities or passing up sex. Interestingly, the study also found that this regret doesn’t generally lead to a change in behaviour. Creatures of habit, eh?
If you have concerns, you can see a therapist yourself or try couple counselling. Medicare rebates for sexual health concerns are handled under the GP Mental Health Treatment Plan (GPMHTP) or a referral from your psychiatrist. You can claim the Medicare rebate for up to 10 sessions per calendar year. Be sure to check with the psychologist or counsellor before your session as pricing varies from completely bulk-billed to 100 per cent upfront from the patient.
The good news is that, if you have sexual fantasies like this, you’re not alone and it’s perfectly normal. If you are struggling, whether it’s related to sexual health or not, we encourage you to seek help. No one needs to suffer alone.
Members, what do you think he should have done? Was this a conversation he should have had with his partner or was reaching out to a professional the right idea?
out professional help.
