When it comes to love, we’ve all heard the old clichés: 'The spark must never die!' or 'Keep the passion alive!' But what if the real secret to a lifelong, happy relationship has nothing to do with candlelit dinners or grand romantic gestures? According to Harvard professor and social scientist Arthur Brooks, who’s spent a quarter of a century studying the science of love, the answer is much simpler—and, perhaps, more attainable than you think.

The Real Glue: Friendship Over Fireworks

Appearing on The Drive podcast with Dr Peter Attia, Brooks revealed that the strongest predictor of a relationship that stands the test of time isn’t wild passion, but deep friendship. 'The goal of your marriage is not passion, it’s friendship,' Brooks explained. 'You must be close friends, ideally best friends, with your spouse.'

Relationship longevity was linked by a Harvard professor to treating a partner as a best friend rather than prioritising romantic passion. Credit: YouTube

He went on to say that the happiest couples he’s studied aren’t necessarily the ones who can’t keep their hands off each other, but those who genuinely enjoy each other’s company, confide in one another, and share a sense of camaraderie that outlasts the initial rush of romance. 'I’m going to be with my wife Ester until death do us part,' Brooks shared. 'That has to be the juice of the relationship where the love actually makes happiness, and love is truly the great secret to happiness.'

Why Passion Isn’t Everything

It’s normal—and even healthy—for the intensity of romantic passion to fade over time, Brooks says. In fact, he describes the decline in passion as 'advisable' because it’s more sustainable in the long run. 'Some people are very happy and don’t have that [intense passion]. What do they have in common? Very, very close personal lifelong friends.'

This is a comforting thought for many of us who have been with our partners for decades. The butterflies may have flown, but the deep, abiding friendship that remains is what truly matters.

The Dangers of Loneliness in Relationships

Brooks also warns of a major red flag: feeling lonely while together. He points to 'empty nest syndrome' as a classic example. When the kids move out, some couples realise they have little in common besides their children. 'The people who suffer the most from empty nest syndrome… it’s not the empty nest, it’s the fact that they are with one other bird and they don’t really like that bird,' Brooks quipped.

He stresses that couples who only share their children as a point of connection are at higher risk of drifting apart. 'One of the greatest predictors of divorce is partners who are lonely while living together and the only thing you have in common is your kids. When that one point of commonality disappears, you’re sitting across the table blinking at each other during dinner and not talking because you literally have nothing to talk about.'

How to Build—and Maintain—That Friendship

So, how do you ensure your relationship is built on more than just shared responsibilities or fleeting passion? Brooks suggests couples should actively cultivate shared interests and activities. Whether it’s reading the same book, playing a sport together, or even practicing the same faith, having things in common gives you something to talk about and enjoy together.

'They should develop philosophical interests in common, they’re talking about deep things,' Brooks said. 'There’s got to be something bigger than ‘Did you change his diaper?’ because that’s not going to be in common forever and you’re going to be lonely in your relationship.'

Don’t Forget Your Other Friendships

Interestingly, Brooks also highlights the importance of maintaining friendships outside your marriage. This is especially crucial for men, who, research shows, often struggle to keep up with mates as they age. 'You might, at some point, be left alone if you’re widowed. You don’t want to be alone under those circumstances. That is one of the reasons why men do so poorly when they lose their wives—because a lot of them don’t have real friendships.'

Red Flags: When to Worry

Relationship coach Paige Moyce adds her own list of warning signs that a relationship may be on the rocks:

1. Staying for the Wrong Reasons: If you’re together for the kids, fear of being alone, or not wanting to hurt your partner—but not for your own happiness—trouble may be brewing.
2. Communication Becomes Conflict: If every conversation turns into an argument, it’s a sign your needs aren’t being met.
3. Loneliness: Feeling more alone in a relationship than out of one is a major red flag.
4. Loss of Individuality: If you’ve put your partner first for so long that you’ve lost sight of your own wants and needs, it’s time to reassess.
5. Wishing for an Escape: If you’d take a magic wand to leave the relationship without pain or hassle, that’s a sign something’s not right.

The Takeaway for Over-60s: Friendship Is Forever

For our Seniors Discount Club community, these insights are especially relevant. Many of us are navigating the 'empty nest' years, retirement, or even the loss of a partner. The message is clear: nurture your friendship with your spouse, but also invest in your other friendships. Shared interests, open communication, and a sense of camaraderie are the real keys to lasting happiness.

Key Takeaways

• The secret to a lasting relationship, according to Harvard professor Arthur Brooks, is having your partner as your best friend, rather than focusing on romantic passion.
• Shared interests and maintaining close friendships are vital for marital happiness, especially as initial chemistry fades over time.
• One of the biggest predictors of relationship breakdown is feeling lonely within the relationship, particularly if the only thing a couple has in common is their children.
• Relationship expert Paige Moyce warns that staying together for reasons other than happiness, constant conflict, loneliness, loss of individuality, or wishing to leave if it was easy are all signs a relationship may be coming to an end.

Have you found that friendship is the secret ingredient in your relationship? Or have you experienced the challenges of growing apart after the kids have left home? We’d love to hear your stories, tips, and advice in the comments below—let’s keep the conversation going!

 

[deni67]

My partner and I are best friends, we do everything together and we have so much in common. We both like the same movies and tv shows and love to discuss the really good ones we watch after they have finished.
We both love documentaries and will spend hours digging into the whys and wherefores of a show.
With me being sick with terminal cancer and in and out of hospital it really affects him deeply so when i'm home he'll run around looking after me whenever I need it, I also try to do the same for him even if it's just getting the dishes done everyday.
We met on the internet 24 years ago and although it wasn't plain sailing in the beginning, after a year or so we'd come to realise there was no one else for either of us.