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Funny One-Liners
funniest one-liners
I won $3 million in the lottery this weekend, so I decided to donate a quarter to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there; he said he couldn’t complain.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Call me playful but scaring men is so easy.
Time may be a great healer but it’s a lousy beautician.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
It’s easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My ideal woman is one who is too naïve to know she’s way out of my league.
She wanted a puppy, but I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
My husband is on the roof. Only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road!”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times, men avoided asking the way.
“Doctor, there’s a patient on Line 1 who says he’s invisible.” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
The deeper the pit you’re falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly
