From the Experts: COERCIVE CONTROLLERS
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Note from the Editor:
This article was written for the SDC by psychologist and member @Jan A. Jan A. works part-time, taking on clients under the Medicare Mental Health Care Plans. She works with people of all ages, from children to seniors!
With so much in the news about coercive controllers, it is worth looking at their patterns of behaviour to help identify this kind of abusive dynamic and understand how the controllers exert their control over partners. While each situation will be different, coercive relationships have similar characteristic features.
Coercive controllers are jealous and possessive. Mental disorders may be present, such as Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Antisocial Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Alcoholism or drug addiction can be involved. In a relationship, the controller can be the male or the female. Their aim is to have their partners totally focused on them. They accuse partners of having affairs. They check on where the partners are and what they are doing. They might even come to the partner’s workplace to check that the partner is there and they are not flirting with coworkers or customers. They do not tolerate opposition or even differences of opinion from their partners or children. They can be violent. Leaving the relationship can be dangerous for the partners as the controller can be relentless in punishing the partner up to the point of stalking and murder. The same dynamic applies in gay relationships as well as in heterosexual relationships.
In a relationship, the controller will commonly:
- restrict contact with partner's family & friends,
- move to a house away from partner's family,
- dominate the finances and spending,
- abuse and dominate the children,
- threaten to take children from the partner.
Male and female controllers have the same aims but take different approaches to dominating their partners.
The abusive man abuses his partner by attacking her self-esteem, telling her nobody else would want her because she is unattractive, incompetent and stupid. He insists on her having children fairly soon after they start living together, knowing she will find it difficult to leave with children. If she works, he controls her income. If she does not work, he restricts her access to money. He may try to force her to give up her job or studies to keep her subservient. He abuses her verbally, physically or with silent sulking. He makes her feel ashamed of her situation. He demands to know where she is at all times. He isolates her from her friends and family. He may threaten to harm her family if she tries to leave him.
Physical abuse: Before living together, the abuser will be excessively attentive, overdoing gifts and messages, and wanting constant contact. During this time, the abuser may hit his partner once. He will apologise and promise her it will not happen again. This incident is to test whether she will stay when they start living together and he begins physically and sexually abusing her. If she does not break off the relationship at that point, he knows he can continue to abuse her when they are living together. Alcohol may be involved. He claims he was drunk when he abused her, so it wasn’t his fault. A point to remember is that there are only two types of men in the world: men who hit women and men who do not. If he hits her, he will continue to do so no matter what he says.
Self-esteem: Once together, he attacks the partner's self-esteem by saying she is inadequate, worthless, stupid and undesirable. He makes her believe that she cannot function in the world alone. He blames his partner for everything that goes wrong. Her self-esteem becomes eroded, she loses confidence, and she experiences shame. Eventually, she comes to feel helpless and afraid to leave. She responds by trying to please him, making her more subservient. He will have affairs, further lowering her self-esteem. He becomes more abusive if she confronts him about the affairs, blaming her for driving him to seek out other women.
Family: He declares that he does not like the partner’s family and that she is not to contact them or invite them to the home. If they turn up, he is rude and aggressive to them. He moves house to a location far away from her family and friends, cutting off her support network and her escape route. He keeps contact with his own family but refuses hers. Sometimes, he works on her family to persuade them that he is the good one in the relationship and she is the one at fault, making life hard for him because she is so helpless and hopeless. Some families are so rigid about not leaving a marriage that they will not help the abused female to escape, even if she is being physically abused. This type of family is a bonus for the controller because the partner has fewer options for escape.
Finances: He controls the money. He makes her resign from her job and gives her an allowance. He keeps his income secret and hides bank statements. Alternatively, he may resign from his job and live off her income without accounting for his spending. He may accrue large debts that he demands she pays. He may be addicted to gambling and/or drugs, using their money to fund his addictions.
Children: He controls the children, restricting their choices. He threatens the partner that she will never see the children again if she tries to leave (this threat is baseless, but the partner is so traumatised by this time she believes him). He ensures that she has no money to leave and take the children with her. As he has moved her away from her support network, she may need to travel a long way with the children to get any help, but she has no money to do so.
Threats: He may threaten to kill her and the children if she tries to leave. He may show her a gun or hold a knife to her throat, telling her this is how he will kill her. These threats have been made to seem more real by publicised instances of controlling men murdering their current or former partners. Some are guilty of murdering their children to punish partners who have left them. If the woman reports the threats to the police, they will tell her they can do nothing about it. They may speak to the abuser, who will deny everything and claim she is mentally unstable. Sometimes, the controller will go to the police first to claim she is abusing him and the children. When she goes to the police, she finds they think she is the problem. If the woman knows her partner is violent, she will be too afraid to try to leave, especially without help from family or friends.
The abusive woman dominates her partner. She has at least two children quickly after marriage or the start of living together to keep the man from leaving. She becomes abusive if he contacts his family. She may accuse him of having affairs. She controls what friends come to the home. She projects the image of the marriage as happy and herself as the perfect wife. She is very conscious of status and spends a lot of money to support her public image. These women often target men who have businesses, property, and/or social status.
Physical: Before they start living together, she will be very loving and overly attentive. She wants constant contact. Early in their relationship, she claims to be in love with him, and he believes her. After they get together, she will become increasingly demanding and may be violent towards him. He has to account for where he is at all times. He is too embarrassed and afraid of the opinion of others to admit he is being physically abused. He is fearful that, if he defends himself, she will claim he assaulted her, and she will be believed, putting him in danger of prison.
Self-esteem: He is increasingly oppressed but must appease her constantly to prevent her from further abusing him. He loses his self-esteem, knowing he is living a lie. He feels defeated and unhappy. He has nowhere to turn. To the outside world, she makes herself look like the ‘good one’, the superior one, with the happiest of families. He must support that image. She parades herself as an example of a good partner and mother while he becomes more depressed.
Family: She must be the sole object of his attention. She resents his parental family and stops him from contacting them. Her family is welcome, but his family is not. She makes him choose between his parental family and his children. She will move them far away from his parental family to isolate him. She might claim to be afraid of his family and take out AVOs against them. She cuts off his escape route and any support he may have by restricting his outside contacts. She stops him from seeing his friends, who might be able to show him that he needs to leave her. His friends can see what is happening, but they are unable to help him as he withdraws further from them because of her abuse.
Finances: She controls the finances. She takes all his earnings and gives him a small allowance. If she works, she keeps her own money and is secretive about what she earns. Alternatively, she ceases work and expects him to support her. She spends money to excess and demands he earns more, gets promoted, works another job, etc. Any attempt he makes to limit her spending is met with fury and threats. She is never satisfied with what he can give her.
Children: She has more than one child to ensure he stays with her. She controls everything about the children. She threatens he will never see his children again if he leaves or if she leaves him. He is terrified she will take his children away. He knows that if she takes them away, she will poison their minds against him, withhold access from him and tell the children he does not want them. Given the habit of the courts to favour the mother, he believes she will win custody.
Threats: She may threaten suicide if she does not get her own way. She will threaten to take the children away from her partner if he does not obey her every demand. She may threaten him with accusations of child abuse if he does not do what she says. She may confront any former partner of his, suspecting that he might go back to her and warn her to stay away from him.
Support:
The current public outcry about the rise in fatalities connected with domestic violence has spurred State governments into action to provide funds for support and prevention. The problem is not new. Recent highly publicised cases of murdered women have drawn attention to a long history of violent abuse. The funding support is a welcome move towards a larger solution to the problem.
Looking for immediate support? Here is a list of free mental health helplines.
Note from the Editor:
Want to read more from member @Jan A? Here are their other articles for easy reference:
Some Facts About Phobias
Can Dreams Predict the Future?
@Jan A’s Member Spotlight: ‘Be unpredictable: they hate that!’
We are only able to share this content because of the financial support of SDC Rewards members. If you'd like to see more of this (and a lot fewer ads!), please consider supporting us and signing up for SDC Rewards today—it starts at just 14 cents per day.
This article was written for the SDC by psychologist and member @Jan A. Jan A. works part-time, taking on clients under the Medicare Mental Health Care Plans. She works with people of all ages, from children to seniors!
With so much in the news about coercive controllers, it is worth looking at their patterns of behaviour to help identify this kind of abusive dynamic and understand how the controllers exert their control over partners. While each situation will be different, coercive relationships have similar characteristic features.
Coercive controllers are jealous and possessive. Mental disorders may be present, such as Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Antisocial Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Alcoholism or drug addiction can be involved. In a relationship, the controller can be the male or the female. Their aim is to have their partners totally focused on them. They accuse partners of having affairs. They check on where the partners are and what they are doing. They might even come to the partner’s workplace to check that the partner is there and they are not flirting with coworkers or customers. They do not tolerate opposition or even differences of opinion from their partners or children. They can be violent. Leaving the relationship can be dangerous for the partners as the controller can be relentless in punishing the partner up to the point of stalking and murder. The same dynamic applies in gay relationships as well as in heterosexual relationships.
In a relationship, the controller will commonly:
- restrict contact with partner's family & friends,
- move to a house away from partner's family,
- dominate the finances and spending,
- abuse and dominate the children,
- threaten to take children from the partner.
Male and female controllers have the same aims but take different approaches to dominating their partners.
Men can be the perpetrators and the victims. Image Credit: Shutterstock
The abusive man abuses his partner by attacking her self-esteem, telling her nobody else would want her because she is unattractive, incompetent and stupid. He insists on her having children fairly soon after they start living together, knowing she will find it difficult to leave with children. If she works, he controls her income. If she does not work, he restricts her access to money. He may try to force her to give up her job or studies to keep her subservient. He abuses her verbally, physically or with silent sulking. He makes her feel ashamed of her situation. He demands to know where she is at all times. He isolates her from her friends and family. He may threaten to harm her family if she tries to leave him.
Physical abuse: Before living together, the abuser will be excessively attentive, overdoing gifts and messages, and wanting constant contact. During this time, the abuser may hit his partner once. He will apologise and promise her it will not happen again. This incident is to test whether she will stay when they start living together and he begins physically and sexually abusing her. If she does not break off the relationship at that point, he knows he can continue to abuse her when they are living together. Alcohol may be involved. He claims he was drunk when he abused her, so it wasn’t his fault. A point to remember is that there are only two types of men in the world: men who hit women and men who do not. If he hits her, he will continue to do so no matter what he says.
Self-esteem: Once together, he attacks the partner's self-esteem by saying she is inadequate, worthless, stupid and undesirable. He makes her believe that she cannot function in the world alone. He blames his partner for everything that goes wrong. Her self-esteem becomes eroded, she loses confidence, and she experiences shame. Eventually, she comes to feel helpless and afraid to leave. She responds by trying to please him, making her more subservient. He will have affairs, further lowering her self-esteem. He becomes more abusive if she confronts him about the affairs, blaming her for driving him to seek out other women.
Family: He declares that he does not like the partner’s family and that she is not to contact them or invite them to the home. If they turn up, he is rude and aggressive to them. He moves house to a location far away from her family and friends, cutting off her support network and her escape route. He keeps contact with his own family but refuses hers. Sometimes, he works on her family to persuade them that he is the good one in the relationship and she is the one at fault, making life hard for him because she is so helpless and hopeless. Some families are so rigid about not leaving a marriage that they will not help the abused female to escape, even if she is being physically abused. This type of family is a bonus for the controller because the partner has fewer options for escape.
Finances: He controls the money. He makes her resign from her job and gives her an allowance. He keeps his income secret and hides bank statements. Alternatively, he may resign from his job and live off her income without accounting for his spending. He may accrue large debts that he demands she pays. He may be addicted to gambling and/or drugs, using their money to fund his addictions.
Children: He controls the children, restricting their choices. He threatens the partner that she will never see the children again if she tries to leave (this threat is baseless, but the partner is so traumatised by this time she believes him). He ensures that she has no money to leave and take the children with her. As he has moved her away from her support network, she may need to travel a long way with the children to get any help, but she has no money to do so.
Threats: He may threaten to kill her and the children if she tries to leave. He may show her a gun or hold a knife to her throat, telling her this is how he will kill her. These threats have been made to seem more real by publicised instances of controlling men murdering their current or former partners. Some are guilty of murdering their children to punish partners who have left them. If the woman reports the threats to the police, they will tell her they can do nothing about it. They may speak to the abuser, who will deny everything and claim she is mentally unstable. Sometimes, the controller will go to the police first to claim she is abusing him and the children. When she goes to the police, she finds they think she is the problem. If the woman knows her partner is violent, she will be too afraid to try to leave, especially without help from family or friends.
Women can be the perpetrators and the victims. Image Credit: Shutterstock
The abusive woman dominates her partner. She has at least two children quickly after marriage or the start of living together to keep the man from leaving. She becomes abusive if he contacts his family. She may accuse him of having affairs. She controls what friends come to the home. She projects the image of the marriage as happy and herself as the perfect wife. She is very conscious of status and spends a lot of money to support her public image. These women often target men who have businesses, property, and/or social status.
Physical: Before they start living together, she will be very loving and overly attentive. She wants constant contact. Early in their relationship, she claims to be in love with him, and he believes her. After they get together, she will become increasingly demanding and may be violent towards him. He has to account for where he is at all times. He is too embarrassed and afraid of the opinion of others to admit he is being physically abused. He is fearful that, if he defends himself, she will claim he assaulted her, and she will be believed, putting him in danger of prison.
Self-esteem: He is increasingly oppressed but must appease her constantly to prevent her from further abusing him. He loses his self-esteem, knowing he is living a lie. He feels defeated and unhappy. He has nowhere to turn. To the outside world, she makes herself look like the ‘good one’, the superior one, with the happiest of families. He must support that image. She parades herself as an example of a good partner and mother while he becomes more depressed.
Family: She must be the sole object of his attention. She resents his parental family and stops him from contacting them. Her family is welcome, but his family is not. She makes him choose between his parental family and his children. She will move them far away from his parental family to isolate him. She might claim to be afraid of his family and take out AVOs against them. She cuts off his escape route and any support he may have by restricting his outside contacts. She stops him from seeing his friends, who might be able to show him that he needs to leave her. His friends can see what is happening, but they are unable to help him as he withdraws further from them because of her abuse.
Finances: She controls the finances. She takes all his earnings and gives him a small allowance. If she works, she keeps her own money and is secretive about what she earns. Alternatively, she ceases work and expects him to support her. She spends money to excess and demands he earns more, gets promoted, works another job, etc. Any attempt he makes to limit her spending is met with fury and threats. She is never satisfied with what he can give her.
Children: She has more than one child to ensure he stays with her. She controls everything about the children. She threatens he will never see his children again if he leaves or if she leaves him. He is terrified she will take his children away. He knows that if she takes them away, she will poison their minds against him, withhold access from him and tell the children he does not want them. Given the habit of the courts to favour the mother, he believes she will win custody.
Threats: She may threaten suicide if she does not get her own way. She will threaten to take the children away from her partner if he does not obey her every demand. She may threaten him with accusations of child abuse if he does not do what she says. She may confront any former partner of his, suspecting that he might go back to her and warn her to stay away from him.
Support:
The current public outcry about the rise in fatalities connected with domestic violence has spurred State governments into action to provide funds for support and prevention. The problem is not new. Recent highly publicised cases of murdered women have drawn attention to a long history of violent abuse. The funding support is a welcome move towards a larger solution to the problem.
Looking for immediate support? Here is a list of free mental health helplines.
Note from the Editor:
Want to read more from member @Jan A? Here are their other articles for easy reference:
Some Facts About Phobias
Can Dreams Predict the Future?
@Jan A’s Member Spotlight: ‘Be unpredictable: they hate that!’
We are only able to share this content because of the financial support of SDC Rewards members. If you'd like to see more of this (and a lot fewer ads!), please consider supporting us and signing up for SDC Rewards today—it starts at just 14 cents per day.
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