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Ask Joy: Setting Boundaries or How To Say No Nicely

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By Maddison Dwyer
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Note from the Editor:
This article was kindly written for the SDC by retired psychologist/ member @Joy Straw. Before we jump in to today's story, I would like to thank Joy for writing this article. At the end of last week, I reached out to our SDC Rewards members and asked them how they set boundaries with their loved ones, after I was really struggling with how much I had on. I ended up getting quite sick over the weekend due to overwhelming myself. When I logged onto work on Monday, I had this article sitting in my inbox. Joy had written an 'Ask Joy' especially for me. I just wanted to take a moment to thank her for her time and for how thoughtful this article was, and also to all of our SDC Rewards members who offered their advice. We have such a wonderful online community that I am incredibly grateful for. I hope you enjoy this piece as much as I did!

For a lot of people setting a boundary can be difficult. Being asked to babysit, make meals, go on a committee, work extra hours or just say no because you’re tired of all these things and many more. This in turn creates anxiety, stress, anger, frustration and exhaustion in many of us. How can we learn to say no or set a boundary that works for us?

The first stage is to work out what is stopping us from forming a healthy boundary. This could be as simple as guilt because ‘its family’, shame because ‘we feel we should do more’, Anxiety because we ‘can’t work out what to do,’ or the big, one being a People Pleaser, amongst many other things. Or a combination of all of the above.


IMG_2502.jpeg
Are you good at setting boundaries? Maybe you can share your advice in the comments below! Image source: Shutterstock.


‘Those who get angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set boundaries for’ - J.S. Wolfe.



Types of boundaries
  • Emotional: Feelings, opinions, wishes and needs. What you share and how much. Accepting responsibility for your own emotional needs.
  • Time and energy: Self-care to allow time to replenish your energy. Who you choose and how much you choose to share yourself with?
  • Mental: Not allowing manipulation, coercion, bullying or gaslighting. Functioning at your very best. Freedom to have your own thoughts, values and opinions.
  • Physical: Take care of your physical self. Choose how much and with whom you choose to share your body. Remember No means No.
  • Material: Finances and possessions. Choose how much you want, or not want, to share and with whom.
  • Internal: Self regulation of energy to revitalise. Remember boundary setting is a ongoing process. Set boundaries for well-being, not as a way of controlling others.
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Maddison Dwyer said:
Note from the Editor:
This article was kindly written for the SDC by retired psychologist/ member @Joy Straw. Before we jump in to today's story, I would like to thank Joy for writing this article. At the end of last week, I reached out to our SDC Rewards members and asked them how they set boundaries with their loved ones, after I was really struggling with how much I had on. I ended up getting quite sick over the weekend due to overwhelming myself. When I logged onto work on Monday, I had this article sitting in my inbox. Joy had written an 'Ask Joy' especially for me. I just wanted to take a moment to thank her for her time and for how thoughtful this article was, and also to all of our SDC Rewards members who offered their advice. We have such a wonderful online community that I am incredibly grateful for. I hope you enjoy this piece as much as I did!

For a lot of people setting a boundary can be difficult. Being asked to babysit, make meals, go on a committee, work extra hours or just say no because you’re tired of all these things and many more. This in turn creates anxiety, stress, anger, frustration and exhaustion in many of us. How can we learn to say no or set a boundary that works for us?

The first stage is to work out what is stopping us from forming a healthy boundary. This could be as simple as guilt because ‘its family’, shame because ‘we feel we should do more’, Anxiety because we ‘can’t work out what to do,’ or the big, one being a People Pleaser, amongst many other things. Or a combination of all of the above.


View attachment 37287
Are you good at setting boundaries? Maybe you can share your advice in the comments below! Image source: Shutterstock.


‘Those who get angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set boundaries for’ - J.S. Wolfe.



Types of boundaries
  • Emotional: Feelings, opinions, wishes and needs. What you share and how much. Accepting responsibility for your own emotional needs.
  • Time and energy: Self-care to allow time to replenish your energy. Who you choose and how much you choose to share yourself with?
  • Mental: Not allowing manipulation, coercion, bullying or gaslighting. Functioning at your very best. Freedom to have your own thoughts, values and opinions.
  • Physical: Take care of your physical self. Choose how much and with whom you choose to share your body. Remember No means No.
  • Material: Finances and possessions. Choose how much you want, or not want, to share and with whom.
  • Internal: Self regulation of energy to revitalise. Remember boundary setting is a ongoing process. Set boundaries for well-being, not as a way of controlling others.
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