Are you sick of people who always complain? This therapist has the solution
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We all have our days where we have a big ol’ whinge to anyone who will listen. At the end of the day, venting often makes us feel better. But what if you know someone who chronically complains no matter what you do to try and cheer them up? Well, it turns out this is a rather common occurrence, and as we are sure many of you are well aware of, it’s extremely draining to deal with regularly.
So, what can you do if you have a chronic complainer in your life? According to licensed therapist and relationship expert, Nedra Glover Tawwab, the key is to understand that they may not even realise they're doing it.
‘People who are chronic complainers are not aware that they're chronic complainers – they think that they're just talking, she explains. ‘They may not realise they’re going on their third, fourth or fifth complaint in a row.’
What can you do about the chronic complainer in your life? Image source: Shutterstock.
And while you could try to make them aware of the issue in a nice way, Tawwab says they may still have difficulty filtering out complaints. ‘We're trying to teach them a new skill. Now we have to teach them to figure out what a complaint looks like, what it sounds like—because they may have the assumption that they're just talking about a problem.’ So instead of getting frustrated with them, try shifting the conversation – or being honest with them.
What to do about a chronic complainer
So, how does an expert like Tawwab recommend dealing with chronic complainers? For one thing, she explains that you have the opportunity to shift the conversation—or ideally, try to start the conversation on a positive note.
‘One wonderful thing we can do with chronic complainers is start the conversation in a way that you want it to go,’ she suggests. Make a mental list of the topics they often complain about and avoid mentioning them altogether. ‘There are topics NOT to ask these people about,’ she advises.’If you start talking about politics and then get drawn into their negativity vortex...well next time, just don't!’
Additionally, become more aware of how you think about setting boundaries with these people. Often when we think we're setting boundaries, we're actually just trying to change the other person – which rarely works. ‘You can determine how YOU listen,’ Tawwab notes.’You can determine what YOU do when THEY complain - but you CAN'T make them stop complaining.’
So, if you find yourself trying to set a boundary by attempting to ‘make’ them stop complaining, that may be a sign you should simply limit your interactions with them altogether.
So where do you go from here?
It’s definitely something we all want to avoid, being around someone who zaps the little energy we have purely because they complain incessantly. However, it’s important to understand what we can and cannot control about the situation. We may not be able to change a chronic complainer's way, but we can control how we respond to them, and more importantly, how we choose to engage with them, and their complaints.
Remember, members, you have to do what is best for yourself, this is an important lesson to learn whether you’re 8 or 80. You won’t be able to please everyone in your life, and if you’re constantly drained by a chronic complainer, it’s time to implement boundaries or maybe even cut ties. So what do you think? Do you have a chronic complainer in your life? Will you be implementing some of these tips when you see them next? Let us know in the comments below!
So, what can you do if you have a chronic complainer in your life? According to licensed therapist and relationship expert, Nedra Glover Tawwab, the key is to understand that they may not even realise they're doing it.
‘People who are chronic complainers are not aware that they're chronic complainers – they think that they're just talking, she explains. ‘They may not realise they’re going on their third, fourth or fifth complaint in a row.’
What can you do about the chronic complainer in your life? Image source: Shutterstock.
And while you could try to make them aware of the issue in a nice way, Tawwab says they may still have difficulty filtering out complaints. ‘We're trying to teach them a new skill. Now we have to teach them to figure out what a complaint looks like, what it sounds like—because they may have the assumption that they're just talking about a problem.’ So instead of getting frustrated with them, try shifting the conversation – or being honest with them.
What to do about a chronic complainer
So, how does an expert like Tawwab recommend dealing with chronic complainers? For one thing, she explains that you have the opportunity to shift the conversation—or ideally, try to start the conversation on a positive note.
‘One wonderful thing we can do with chronic complainers is start the conversation in a way that you want it to go,’ she suggests. Make a mental list of the topics they often complain about and avoid mentioning them altogether. ‘There are topics NOT to ask these people about,’ she advises.’If you start talking about politics and then get drawn into their negativity vortex...well next time, just don't!’
Additionally, become more aware of how you think about setting boundaries with these people. Often when we think we're setting boundaries, we're actually just trying to change the other person – which rarely works. ‘You can determine how YOU listen,’ Tawwab notes.’You can determine what YOU do when THEY complain - but you CAN'T make them stop complaining.’
So, if you find yourself trying to set a boundary by attempting to ‘make’ them stop complaining, that may be a sign you should simply limit your interactions with them altogether.
So where do you go from here?
It’s definitely something we all want to avoid, being around someone who zaps the little energy we have purely because they complain incessantly. However, it’s important to understand what we can and cannot control about the situation. We may not be able to change a chronic complainer's way, but we can control how we respond to them, and more importantly, how we choose to engage with them, and their complaints.
Remember, members, you have to do what is best for yourself, this is an important lesson to learn whether you’re 8 or 80. You won’t be able to please everyone in your life, and if you’re constantly drained by a chronic complainer, it’s time to implement boundaries or maybe even cut ties. So what do you think? Do you have a chronic complainer in your life? Will you be implementing some of these tips when you see them next? Let us know in the comments below!
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