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Amusing One-Liners
As a skill, sign language is quite handy.
We have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
Try running behind a car and you’ll only get exhausted.
If I had a DeLorean, I’d only drive it from time to time.
Elvis, my pet mouse has died. He was caught in a trap.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
I’ve got a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
If towels could tell jokes, would they have a dry sense of humor?
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
Live, love and laugh. If that doesn’t work then load, aim and fire.
Why was it so hot at the SCG after the game? All the fans left.
I switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was a game-changer.
The perfect solution for keeping Biscuits fresh? Eat them all in one sitting.
My wife would’ve looked for her missing watch but she couldn’t find the time.
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren’t anything to look at either.
I explained to my carpenter that I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
When I was a kid, I thought Sunday School was where you learned to make ice cream.
I went into a pub and ate a Ploughman’s lunch. The ploughman really wasn’t happy about it.
Replace your chocolate bar with grapefruit as a snack and you can lose 90% of the joy of living.
I arranged for a Russian driver to take me to the airport. His name was Pikkup Andropov.
Police were called to the old folks’ home because an elderly lady was resisting a rest.
My friend is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store because he couldn’t remember the prices.
A man was arrested after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it. He’s now been bailed.
The jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
My wife said suddenly, “You weren’t listening to me.” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.”
I don’t mind coming to work each day. It’s the eight-hour wait before I can go home that I’m not keen on.
A guy has been stealing shirts at the Shopping Mall in order of size. Apparently, he’s still at large.
My wife’s been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. She says it’s all about raisin awareness.
There was a time when cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I asked the librarian where I could find books on Paranoia. She leaned in towards me and whispered quietly, “They’re right behind you!”
A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can fly spray. “Is this good for wasps,” he asks. “No, it kills them,” the cashier responded.
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Whereas married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
