[Athena E.]

AIBU 30.09.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/Constant-Story-1575:

Am I being for playing favourites with my grandkids and telling my daughter-in-law it's her fault?

'My son and his wife, Amy, have been married for about ten years and have two kids, aged 10 and 6. From the start, I tried to get along with Amy, but it wasn’t easy. She’s not very sociable and always prioritises her own mum over seeing our side of the family, especially when it comes to holidays and the kids.'

'For example, she always chooses to go to her mum’s for holidays, even if I offer to celebrate on a different day. When I offer to babysit, she usually says she’s asked her mum or just brushes me off. And on the rare occasions I do look after the kids, she criticises everything I do, comparing it to how her mum does things. At first, my son tried to help, but he eventually gave up, so now I mostly see him without Amy or the kids. I’ve even asked if I’ve done something wrong, but I never get an answer.'

'Eventually, I stopped trying so hard when my other son had kids. I get along much better with my other daughter-in-law, and I have a great relationship with their kids, Ava (9) and my grandson (4). I even gave Ava a special family necklace that belonged to my mother, and she wears it everywhere.'

'This is where the trouble started. Amy called me, upset that I gave Ava the necklace but not her daughter, who’s older. I told her I just wanted to give it to Ava. Amy got angry, accusing me of playing favourites. I didn’t deny it. I told her the truth—that yes, I do play favourites, and it’s because of her. I explained that I don’t really know her kids because she keeps them away, and because of that, they won’t be getting any family heirlooms from me.'

'We had a huge argument, and she called me a jerk, demanding that I give her daughter a necklace too. Now I’m wondering if I was in the wrong.'

 

[Celeste51]

Under the circumstances, what feels right to you is what is right for you, regardless of what anyone else thinks. If you want to gift a necklace to your other granddaughter it may be best to leave it until she leaves home,

 

[BellaB18]

I don't think you were wrong giving the necklace to your granddaughter. I don't think it's anyone's business. Sadly I don't know if it's your daughter in-law who has spoilt the relationship with your granddaughter or the child. There seems to be red flags towards the daughter in law. We must never have favourites in children. I don't like that at all. All kids are equal. Maybe as your granddaughter gets older she can make her own opinion of you. Just keep the communication open. Treat her the same as the other grandkids. Just accept her the way she is. Children are innocent it's what is put in their minds from others. Maybe you could ask your granddaughter. Do you have a problem with me have l hurt your feelings. Tell her you love her.
I would steer clear of the daughter in law.
Good luck.
Kind regards Vicki

 

[SandraD22]

I don't believe you are in the wrong. I had exactly the same relationship with my daughter-in-law who allowed her young children to stay overnight with any of her large family but never with my husband or me. Her excuse was extremely hurtful that you never knew who was a pedophile and that I spent more money on my other grandchildren, which was not accurate. I naturally became closer to my daughters' sons and when I broached the subject of her reluctance for us to have the grandchildren overnight and her argument with my daughter that I spent more time with her boys it resulted in my Son and grandkids having no contact with us anymore. She managed to separate my Son from most of his friends as well and convinced my Son to sell up and move interstate. My daughter advised me of the shift and neither of us were given a forwarding address. It broke my heart and still hurts 15 years later. On the grapevine I learnt that I now have a great granddaughter that I will probably never meet before I leave this planet for good.

 

[what]

Tell Amy to buy her own necklace and give it to her daughter. DO NOT allow Amy to put you down or tell you what to do. Amy chose her path with you now let her walk it.

 

[MickRob69]

My wife and I have three sons. They give us attention in varying degrees, hence their rewards will be in varying degrees. Our Grandchildren will suffer the same fate if they too show a varying level of interest in us. My wife and I have worked hard to achieve what we have. Both sets of our parents worked really hard to achieve their aims and as they passed on to their children that treated them well were provided for, those that didn't weren't provided for. Why should people benefit when they couldn't care less about you?

 

[MickRob69]

I don't believe you are in the wrong. I had exactly the same relationship with my daughter-in-law who allowed her young children to stay overnight with any of her large family but never with my husband or me. Her excuse was extremely hurtful that you never knew who was a pedophile and that I spent more money on my other grandchildren, which was not accurate. I naturally became closer to my daughters' sons and when I broached the subject of her reluctance for us to have the grandchildren overnight and her argument with my daughter that I spent more time with her boys it resulted in my Son and grandkids having no contact with us anymore. She managed to separate my Son from most of his friends as well and convinced my Son to sell up and move interstate. My daughter advised me of the shift and neither of us were given a forwarding address. It broke my heart and still hurts 15 years later. On the grapevine I learnt that I now have a great granddaughter that I will probably never meet before I leave this planet for good.

 

[MickRob69]

My wife and I are in the same boat with our Daughter in law and our son and now a new grand daughter that we are not even supposed to know that she exists.

 

[Suzanne rose]

Firstly I think 4 years old is a bit young to give a family heirloom to.

I have 19 grandchildren and two more on the way

I love all my grandchildren equally but I do have a more special bond with them all except one of our sons two children but he has stepped away from the whole family.

I've always told my daughters to treat their inlaws how they treat us. Sadly a couple of my daughters have interfering inlaws who try to run their lives even though they are trying to build a relationship my daughters are now backing off.

I'm wondering if there is more to this story .

Were they close from they start ?

It's ones own choice as to what they give a grandchild but I try to give to each one equally .

Her problem is with the daughter inlaw not the granddaughter.

It sounds a bit of hostility on both sides

 

[DLHM]

I know someone like Amy (the daughter-in-law). She’s very controlling and wants everything her own way. The son (Amy’s husband), needs to be honest with his dad and let him know why Amy wishes to spend time with her family only. Maybe the son has been completely worn down by his wife’s dominance and just doesn’t care anymore.

 

[Luciemcm]

I had the same problem with my ex daughter I law. Not that they have divorced and my son has a new partner I get to see his children and hers and I am made to feel like one of the family. Love the new situation and so grateful of my son’s new partner. Love her ,Ike a daughter a d her kids treat me like their grandmother.

 

[MariaG]

You shouldn't be arguing the point with your daughter in law.
It should be your son who communicated with you, and then sort it out with his wife. You are under no obligation to explain yourself to her, however, your concerns must be voiced with your son.
We experienced a weird situation with our daughter in laws some years ago. Of all things it was over our grand childrens' swimming lessons. We were so excited to hear they was doing well at swimming, we decided to pop into the school just to have a look for ourselves. It wasn't a private lesson, just a whole bunch of kids learning to swim. We did nothing but watch with no interaction during the lesson.
We were shunned by the two mothers to the point it was down and out bleeding rude. They ignored us, refused to sit near us, and pretty well treated us as unwanted guests.
We found out that we were expected to phone to ask if we could go and watch first. We were ällowed"to see our grand kids only when the daughters in law deemed it allowable, and, on their own terms.
So, we spoke to both of our sons and told them the same rules will apply to us when they expect us to baby sit. On our terms, when we said we could, for how long and only by arrangement with our sons. It was sorted out because communication was quite open, and, our sons did not really know about the rules of management.
We get on quite well with both mums now, however, the grand kids are old enough to hop in the car and come and see us whenever they please. Things change with time and it hurts too much to dwell on them for too long, however, you have your own boundaries as well.

 

[DLHM]

You shouldn't be arguing the point with your daughter in law.
It should be your son who communicated with you, and then sort it out with his wife. You are under no obligation to explain yourself to her, however, your concerns must be voiced with your son.
We experienced a weird situation with our daughter in laws some years ago. Of all things it was over our grand childrens' swimming lessons. We were so excited to hear they was doing well at swimming, we decided to pop into the school just to have a look for ourselves. It wasn't a private lesson, just a whole bunch of kids learning to swim. We did nothing but watch with no interaction during the lesson.
We were shunned by the two mothers to the point it was down and out bleeding rude. They ignored us, refused to sit near us, and pretty well treated us as unwanted guests.
We found out that we were expected to phone to ask if we could go and watch first. We were ällowed"to see our grand kids only when the daughters in law deemed it allowable, and, on their own terms.
So, we spoke to both of our sons and told them the same rules will apply to us when they expect us to baby sit. On our terms, when we said we could, for how long and only by arrangement with our sons. It was sorted out because communication was quite open, and, our sons did not really know about the rules of management.
We get on quite well with both mums now, however, the grand kids are old enough to hop in the car and come and see us whenever they please. Things change with time and it hurts too much to dwell on them for too long, however, you have your own boundaries as well.

I’ve always maintained that communication is key. I know I’ve mentioned it before in SDC.

If the communication breaks down or stops altogether, there’s no hope of resolution.

But you already knew that @MariaG. Am happy it all worked out for you and your family.

 

[BellaB18]

I don't believe you are in the wrong. I had exactly the same relationship with my daughter-in-law who allowed her young children to stay overnight with any of her large family but never with my husband or me. Her excuse was extremely hurtful that you never knew who was a pedophile and that I spent more money on my other grandchildren, which was not accurate. I naturally became closer to my daughters' sons and when I broached the subject of her reluctance for us to have the grandchildren overnight and her argument with my daughter that I spent more time with her boys it resulted in my Son and grandkids having no contact with us anymore. She managed to separate my Son from most of his friends as well and convinced my Son to sell up and move interstate. My daughter advised me of the shift and neither of us were given a forwarding address. It broke my heart and still hurts 15 years later. On the grapevine I learnt that I now have a great granddaughter that I will probably never meet before I leave this planet for good.

Your situation is dreadfully sad. I am so sorry this has happened to you and your family.
I have had a different relationship with my daughter in law too.
I have learnt to go with the flow. When my daughter in law tries to upset me l just say something like. Ok darling if you think that is best l will respect that. I know it is backing down but l cannot be bothered with her power trips. Things go quiet until, oh hi mum the kids want to have a sleepover. Ok that is fine. I would never take out the crap on the kids.
My mother disagrees, l am to worn out for the BS.
I am truly sorry for the position you are in. Maybe put all your your love into your daughters children. And be blessed with those children.
An older friend told me. You have a daughter you always have a daughter. You have a son he has a wife. Sadly in some cases it seems to be true.
Take care darling.
Love Vicki

 

[Hollingworthlake]

Sounds an awful situation and from what you say I can’t blame you for being close to the grandchildren you have more positive access to. So try to ignore her winging and don’t buy into her demands. I don’t think you are being unreasonable because individual differences can have quite an impact on behaviour. Just try to consider the affect on the child

 

[Cerise Warren]

I donthink you are in the wrong I have a similar situation with one of my sons so he now brings the grandchildren over to see me without her

 

[Kevin. A.]

No, I do not think you are being totally unreasonable. However, it is not the grandchildren's fault that your daughter in law wishes to play favorites with her parents, and you hardly ever see her or the grandchildren. I know there will always be an excuse not to bring them around to see you. Perhaps the best way to tackle this is to show her that you are above the petty rivalry and give her daughter something quietly suggests that perhaps if you saw them a little more often, then their daughter would not miss out in the future. Leave the ball in their court to make changes.

 

[Kevin. A.]

Sounds an awful situation and from what you say I can’t blame you for being close to the grandchildren you have more positive access to. So try to ignore her winging and don’t buy into her demands. I don’t think you are being unreasonable because individual differences can have quite an impact on behavior. Just try to consider the affect on the child

Yes. I agree it is not the grandchildren's fault they have a mother who favors her own family (parents).

 

[GrannyJA!]

Not your fault that she has withheld the kids so that you don't get to know them. I guess I'm lucky, having only one granddaughter and 3 grandsons. Naturally I can have a favourite granddaughter.