[Danielle G.]

AIBU 29.11.2024​

AIBU, which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', is the perfect platform for sharing your thoughts and opinions! So, for today's AIBU discussion, we have this story from Reddit/[deleted]:

Am I being unreasonable for telling my husband I won't pay his debts anymore?

'I (33F) have been married to my husband (36M) for six years. When we got married, I knew he had some financial issues—mostly credit card debt and a few personal loans. Despite my concerns, we agreed we’d tackle his debts together as a team. The plan was simple: stick to a strict budget, avoid unnecessary expenses, and gradually pay everything off. At first, it seemed like a challenge we could overcome together, and I was happy to support him.'

'For the first few years, I handled most of the finances while he adjusted to the budgeting process. However, things started to feel off about a year ago. I noticed he was buying items we hadn’t discussed—expensive gadgets, nights out with friends, and even some surprise gifts for me. While I appreciated the gestures, I couldn’t ignore that these expenses were setting us back. When I brought it up, he brushed it off, saying he needed "small joys" to get through the stress of debt repayment.'

'It got worse a few months ago when I discovered he had opened a new credit card without telling me. This was a huge betrayal of our agreement. When I confronted him, he admitted it but tried to justify it by saying he didn’t want to burden me with more stress. I was furious. We’d spent years sacrificing to pay off his old debts, and now he was starting the cycle all over again.'

'After several heated arguments and broken promises, I finally told him I was done. I said I wouldn’t pay another cent toward his debts unless he showed real commitment to changing his habits. He accused me of abandoning him and going back on my word, saying that marriage is about supporting each other through everything. While I agree, I also feel like he’s taking advantage of my support.'

'Now, he’s sulking and telling me I’ve made him feel alone in his struggles. I’ve been questioning whether I’m being too harsh, but I also can’t keep enabling this behavior. So, am I being unreasonable for refusing to help him pay his debts anymore?'

 

[Pommyoz]

No, if he isn’t man enough to co-operate, I wouldn’t pay anymore. I would open a separate bank account, your signature only, and save. He sounds irresponsible and childish to expect you or “mummy” to keep him.

 

[Willfish]

Some people are just irresponsible with money and debts. Sounds like you married one. Marriage is a partnership, but you should not be a doormat. He promised that he would work with you to manage the debt, and I assume, he also promised not to run up any further debts. Sounds like he broke his promise, so the deal is off. Marriage is a deal, not a jail sentence. If you keep propping him up, nothing will change. Just make sure you are legally protected from his debts, then tell him he is financially on his own, and keep your money seperate so he cant pilfer that also.

 

[Witty]

This man needs to have some counselling ASAP. Do you each have a small amount of money each week/fortnight to do what you wish to do? Everyone needs to have some cash of their own - even on a budget. How is he going to pay for this credit card. Open a separate bank account for yourself - your running away money. No, you will not support him and his new credit card. He's on his own.

 

[Drew62]

You are very justified in what you are doing so stick to your guns and open a seperate account for yourself, He sounds very childish going back on His word back in the day a Man's Word Meant everything nowadays people don't care good for you and make sure you are protected from all His debts as well all the best to you

 

[DiBoz]

For his debts to be still getting paid off after 6 years of marriage they must have been substantial. He is taking advantage of you. No I would not be paying one cent more. Open your own account and look after your self. Time he grew up. If he goes to the wall don’t let him take you with him.

 

[Nozmo]

No you’re not being unreasonable. He is being selfish and self centered.
Look after yourself.

 

[Parrot]

He is being deceitful and selfish stick to your guns let him take responsibility of his own doings.

 

[IAN3005]

Kick him to the cub..... fast..... move on.....

 

[MariaG]

A line has to be drawn somewhere.
Better now, before it is too late.
This man's behaviour smacks of all the earmarks of someone who may be dealing with a compulsion, addiction, or both. This can result in massive issues that eventually will become too difficult to solve.
Now, the only way that things can be dealt with is to train the man the meaning of NO means NO.
Sometimes one has to hit the lowest of the low to realise things have to change. I think this is very close.
My feeling would be it's time to get the nest egg ready for the time that things will hit the fan. You are not his mummy. Partnership is a two way street, not a one way cop-out.

 

[margaretritchie48]

get rid of the B---ARD

 

[magpie1]

Funny/NOT.....I had a wife who did the same thing. Credit cards can be a dangerous thing in the wrong hands. Shame that many will overspend again this Christmas and will be hit with big amounts owing in the New Year when their Card Statements arrive. BUYER BEWARE !!.

 

[Charlotte59]

Wow, i hate to say it, but i would be closing a joint bank account and starting up one in my name only. When there is enough funds, i'd be walking out the door on this loser of a husband, which i actually did do in the 1990's. I had 5 children to think of and all he wanted was to be over our heads in debt. I had to go back to work to support his habit and provide for myself and the children. In fact, one time, close to Christmas he bought home a new boat, that just like the one he traded in, would see more water over it than under it. The next day when he was at work, i hooked that thing up to the car and towed it back to where he got from, told them to tear up the paperwork, they told me i couldn't do that, my reply was "i just did". A few short months later i left him with my kids. I would get phone calls from debt collectors however, after explaining my situation to them i never received anymore calls. Sadly, the next woman he got involved ended up having to sell her house to pay his way out of debt. These type of people don't change, they expect everyone else to cater to them.

 

[Janice McKay]

Definitely not. He is the one not holding up to your agreement. Tell him to cancel this new card or you will no longer be helping him pay off his debt. If he refuses, I am sorry to say that things will not get better. He has proven he can't be trusted and you must decide if you need to take out a letter to all your creditors that you are no longer responsible for his debts. Tough Love.

 

[Towing]

Make sure he hasn't got any accounts with your name on them. Any accounts in your name only notify the companies and they can stop him some charging anything on them. I know of cases where this has been done very successfully and it was listed in every dept. of one business.

 

[novezar]

Sounds as though you didn't make a frugal good financial choice in the 1st place.

 

[Towing]

I don't where the person who wrote the article lives. In Aust. my understanding is that you can put a notice in the Public Notice section of the newspapers stating your name and that you will not be responsible for (his name) debts. I'm not 100% certain of the exact wording you need to use.